I realised I am a result of my circumstances. I can only be as good as what I am, as well as how I deal with expectations in changing environments.
Since I am living in an Eastern society, where family and clan are important, we are benchmarked against a clan, no?
In my clan, made up of my grandparents' branch, we have 6 granddaughters and 8 grandsons. And we place a high priority on sons, like most other patriarchal families.
Out of the 6 daughters, the eldest one was tasked to take care of her family as she is not married (and doesn't want to settle down) and her younger brother having some health issues. So well, other than her, the rest of the daughters all got university degrees from local universities, including 2 engineers (1 on scholarship to read engineering in Britain), 2 medical doctors and 1 business school graduate. All 5 have jobs related to their careers.
Now, out of the 8 males... The eldest one has some health issues, so he can't work. I am the second eldest by seniority (Dad being the second son of my granddad) yet I am the second youngest by age, so I am schoolmates with the son of the my youngest uncle (we are about the same age), and we two have the same common friends. My story will follow later. Then I have 5 other cousins, 4 elder than me in age, 1 younger than I do.
Out of those 4, 3 enrolled in university (my current one, a private university), but dropped out later. The 4th one currently studies accounting, just like me, but he is poised to work in the media industry where his accounting skills may not be needed. He'll have a brighter future than me anyway... (I'll keep my story to the last)
Now, for the 3 youngest cousins I have, 1 is my classmate, and he did well enough to go on to University to be an engineer. He does okay in his field, and I am also happy to be both his 'friend's friend' and, perhaps most important of all, his cousin. Then my youngest cousin is doing okay in his studies, and is poised for Uni.
As for me... Well, I got all the pressures to be a doctor or something, because I am relatively smart (despite my autism, or maybe, because of it), or, even better in Singapore context, a scholarship to study overseas and to be the cream of the top. Whereas my younger cousin did and so did one of my ex-classmates, I failed to match their expectations. And because of so much expectations on me, the other male cousins, who already have laid-back personalities, did not do well in studies, where they needed more encouragement. So males as a whole did worse than females - where 4 out of 6 females got into government-funded college places, and 1 is in line for a BSc/MEng combined engineering degree; only 2 out of 8, at most maybe 3, got government-funded college places. And 1 of the males may drop out at any time. So effectively, there could be only 1 recognised university placing, and he'll work for his father's (my uncle's) engineering firm as a government board-recognised engineer, good on him. So he will shoulder the clan's responsibility, and not me. Fine with me, less pressure on me, no more nagging of grades, yipppeee. Still...
My mother knows my family dynamics so well, she screamed out of frustration, 'you men are useless as compared to women, so this is the best your father's genetic pool can manage, females better than males?'
I tried to study hard. If I am the first PhD of a government-recognised university somewhere, I can prove that the males can do what the females can't - pursuit of a higher dream. But what is the use of that dream to me, to my family, to my clan, etc.? In the end, let us be practical, that schoolmate who happens to be my cousin who does engineering gets a job, dropouts all get nice jobs... Given how disconnected many degrees and jobs are, however, how can I continue to reconcile my realities with my distorted dream? And are my dreams my real dreams???
Ah.
Since I am living in an Eastern society, where family and clan are important, we are benchmarked against a clan, no?
In my clan, made up of my grandparents' branch, we have 6 granddaughters and 8 grandsons. And we place a high priority on sons, like most other patriarchal families.
Out of the 6 daughters, the eldest one was tasked to take care of her family as she is not married (and doesn't want to settle down) and her younger brother having some health issues. So well, other than her, the rest of the daughters all got university degrees from local universities, including 2 engineers (1 on scholarship to read engineering in Britain), 2 medical doctors and 1 business school graduate. All 5 have jobs related to their careers.
Now, out of the 8 males... The eldest one has some health issues, so he can't work. I am the second eldest by seniority (Dad being the second son of my granddad) yet I am the second youngest by age, so I am schoolmates with the son of the my youngest uncle (we are about the same age), and we two have the same common friends. My story will follow later. Then I have 5 other cousins, 4 elder than me in age, 1 younger than I do.
Out of those 4, 3 enrolled in university (my current one, a private university), but dropped out later. The 4th one currently studies accounting, just like me, but he is poised to work in the media industry where his accounting skills may not be needed. He'll have a brighter future than me anyway... (I'll keep my story to the last)
Now, for the 3 youngest cousins I have, 1 is my classmate, and he did well enough to go on to University to be an engineer. He does okay in his field, and I am also happy to be both his 'friend's friend' and, perhaps most important of all, his cousin. Then my youngest cousin is doing okay in his studies, and is poised for Uni.
As for me... Well, I got all the pressures to be a doctor or something, because I am relatively smart (despite my autism, or maybe, because of it), or, even better in Singapore context, a scholarship to study overseas and to be the cream of the top. Whereas my younger cousin did and so did one of my ex-classmates, I failed to match their expectations. And because of so much expectations on me, the other male cousins, who already have laid-back personalities, did not do well in studies, where they needed more encouragement. So males as a whole did worse than females - where 4 out of 6 females got into government-funded college places, and 1 is in line for a BSc/MEng combined engineering degree; only 2 out of 8, at most maybe 3, got government-funded college places. And 1 of the males may drop out at any time. So effectively, there could be only 1 recognised university placing, and he'll work for his father's (my uncle's) engineering firm as a government board-recognised engineer, good on him. So he will shoulder the clan's responsibility, and not me. Fine with me, less pressure on me, no more nagging of grades, yipppeee. Still...
My mother knows my family dynamics so well, she screamed out of frustration, 'you men are useless as compared to women, so this is the best your father's genetic pool can manage, females better than males?'
I tried to study hard. If I am the first PhD of a government-recognised university somewhere, I can prove that the males can do what the females can't - pursuit of a higher dream. But what is the use of that dream to me, to my family, to my clan, etc.? In the end, let us be practical, that schoolmate who happens to be my cousin who does engineering gets a job, dropouts all get nice jobs... Given how disconnected many degrees and jobs are, however, how can I continue to reconcile my realities with my distorted dream? And are my dreams my real dreams???
Ah.
