OK, I am going to warn you. I am going to step on toes again.
I was following an exchange between two AC members, one that I did not take part in, just stood on the sidelines and watched while it deteriorated into an exchange of four-letter words ending with the original poster (OP) telling the respondent to F** off or something of that nature.
The gist of the "conversation" was that the OP was having trouble understanding others. This has been a frequent recurring theme, and I won't say that there isn't some legitimacy to that claim. That is why autism is such a difficult thing to live with. It affects how we interact socially, and in a highly social species such as ourselves, that is a real problem.
However, I also see a pattern to these exchanges, which makes me think that there is something else going on other than a real, honest need to understand. I can say this because I used to be the same way, with the same results.
What is happening is that there is a game being played. It's called Victim, also known as Nobody Understands Me. It's a deadly game, and as long as it is being played, the person playing it has no chance of ever succeeding socially. The idea behind Victim is not to get advice or help, but to display one's superiority towards others. I'm more intelligent than them, that's why nobody understands me. Like any drug it makes one feel better for a time.
How is Victim played? How does one recognize it? Someone asks a question, supposedly seeking help with a problem. Another person replies. Maybe it is not the answer the questioner wants to hear. Maybe the answerer doesn't understand what the questioner wants and replies with a question seeking to clarify the matter. For example, if it is about an interaction with a third party, describe the interaction. Who said what.
Now here's the clue as to whether you are being sucked into a game of Victim or not, by the way the original questioner responds. Anytime there is sarcasm, anger, insults, defensiveness--that person is playing Victim and wants you to go along.
The goal of Victim is to win at all costs. No one else can win because no one else can be right. The goal of Victim is to feel vindicated at other people's expense. It never dawns on the Victim that other people really don't like playing that game. It becomes a vicious circle. The Victim is unhappy because he or she is alone only to lash out at those who would seek to help him or her. He or she ends up being even more alone and unhappy.
The only cure for Victim is humility and maturity. It takes a lot, especially for those of us who consider ourselves more intelligent, to humble ourselves and admit that maybe those dimmer lightbulbs just might be right about something. To drop the mask of abrasiveness. That is very hard to do. But it is the only way.
I was following an exchange between two AC members, one that I did not take part in, just stood on the sidelines and watched while it deteriorated into an exchange of four-letter words ending with the original poster (OP) telling the respondent to F** off or something of that nature.
The gist of the "conversation" was that the OP was having trouble understanding others. This has been a frequent recurring theme, and I won't say that there isn't some legitimacy to that claim. That is why autism is such a difficult thing to live with. It affects how we interact socially, and in a highly social species such as ourselves, that is a real problem.
However, I also see a pattern to these exchanges, which makes me think that there is something else going on other than a real, honest need to understand. I can say this because I used to be the same way, with the same results.
What is happening is that there is a game being played. It's called Victim, also known as Nobody Understands Me. It's a deadly game, and as long as it is being played, the person playing it has no chance of ever succeeding socially. The idea behind Victim is not to get advice or help, but to display one's superiority towards others. I'm more intelligent than them, that's why nobody understands me. Like any drug it makes one feel better for a time.
How is Victim played? How does one recognize it? Someone asks a question, supposedly seeking help with a problem. Another person replies. Maybe it is not the answer the questioner wants to hear. Maybe the answerer doesn't understand what the questioner wants and replies with a question seeking to clarify the matter. For example, if it is about an interaction with a third party, describe the interaction. Who said what.
Now here's the clue as to whether you are being sucked into a game of Victim or not, by the way the original questioner responds. Anytime there is sarcasm, anger, insults, defensiveness--that person is playing Victim and wants you to go along.
The goal of Victim is to win at all costs. No one else can win because no one else can be right. The goal of Victim is to feel vindicated at other people's expense. It never dawns on the Victim that other people really don't like playing that game. It becomes a vicious circle. The Victim is unhappy because he or she is alone only to lash out at those who would seek to help him or her. He or she ends up being even more alone and unhappy.
The only cure for Victim is humility and maturity. It takes a lot, especially for those of us who consider ourselves more intelligent, to humble ourselves and admit that maybe those dimmer lightbulbs just might be right about something. To drop the mask of abrasiveness. That is very hard to do. But it is the only way.
