An issue I face in Pathlight School is the issue of names.
I don't like to be called by my real name. When people do a Google search on my name, we get a statement stating I have Autism. My parents are not really willing to expose my conditions to the world. I know the limits autism pose on me, and frankly speaking, I do not like what I am today, even though I surely did my best to cope with my limitations.
So as a coping mechanism, I try different names just to avoid the use of my real name. I even have to lie because I do not want to use my real name. I hate it, but I hate it even more when I cannot lead a life I want just because I wrote online 'I have autism'. If I get exposed, though, it will be really disastrous. So I make up even more fake names. Negative reinforcing cycle. But well.
I spoke to Ms Denise Phua, Pathlight School's superintendent and a vocal backbencher MP, during lunch yesterday. She said, 'I heard you used the name (X) here (in Pathlight)...' Many teachers and students say the same thing. Perhaps, to many Pathlight School students and teachers, it could be good if I open up my conditions, my name etc.. - so long as I do well in whatever I am doing. I find it hard to. While Pathlight students, as I see, are doing reasonably good in ITEs and Polytechnics, I have a worse portfolio than them when I completed secondary school exams. Look at their art pieces, their incredible CCA achievements, their character, their commitment to their work, blah blah blah, and what about me? I joined many CCAs, and in the end, I feel that I had not made a mark, other than writing a few Economics articles and one really awesome session in Mental Health Awareness. My grades are way below expectations. And I foresee, given my physical and mental limitations due to previous depression issues, this is the little I can do in SIM, and I feel disappointed in myself. So how can I reveal that I have autism, since autism makes me more limited than proud of, in that I can say, I have autism?
Note: (X) is a name I use in Pathlight School. CCAs are extra-curricular activities we do outside school.
I am lucky, in a sense, I spent a few hours to consolidate my thoughts on working in Pathlight and share with you, and only you. I don't dare to share with others, especially my parents, who are judgemental enough to say (and had said), 'STOP GOING TO PATHLIGHT'. And I am considering this, though this is a sad abrupt end to a mostly positive experience, given my internal but subdued inner struggle between total self-acceptance and going with the social flow.
Otherwise, I enjoyed working in Pathlight, and gained an invaluable network there that I hope to bring to SIM.
I don't like to be called by my real name. When people do a Google search on my name, we get a statement stating I have Autism. My parents are not really willing to expose my conditions to the world. I know the limits autism pose on me, and frankly speaking, I do not like what I am today, even though I surely did my best to cope with my limitations.
So as a coping mechanism, I try different names just to avoid the use of my real name. I even have to lie because I do not want to use my real name. I hate it, but I hate it even more when I cannot lead a life I want just because I wrote online 'I have autism'. If I get exposed, though, it will be really disastrous. So I make up even more fake names. Negative reinforcing cycle. But well.
I spoke to Ms Denise Phua, Pathlight School's superintendent and a vocal backbencher MP, during lunch yesterday. She said, 'I heard you used the name (X) here (in Pathlight)...' Many teachers and students say the same thing. Perhaps, to many Pathlight School students and teachers, it could be good if I open up my conditions, my name etc.. - so long as I do well in whatever I am doing. I find it hard to. While Pathlight students, as I see, are doing reasonably good in ITEs and Polytechnics, I have a worse portfolio than them when I completed secondary school exams. Look at their art pieces, their incredible CCA achievements, their character, their commitment to their work, blah blah blah, and what about me? I joined many CCAs, and in the end, I feel that I had not made a mark, other than writing a few Economics articles and one really awesome session in Mental Health Awareness. My grades are way below expectations. And I foresee, given my physical and mental limitations due to previous depression issues, this is the little I can do in SIM, and I feel disappointed in myself. So how can I reveal that I have autism, since autism makes me more limited than proud of, in that I can say, I have autism?
Note: (X) is a name I use in Pathlight School. CCAs are extra-curricular activities we do outside school.
I am lucky, in a sense, I spent a few hours to consolidate my thoughts on working in Pathlight and share with you, and only you. I don't dare to share with others, especially my parents, who are judgemental enough to say (and had said), 'STOP GOING TO PATHLIGHT'. And I am considering this, though this is a sad abrupt end to a mostly positive experience, given my internal but subdued inner struggle between total self-acceptance and going with the social flow.
Otherwise, I enjoyed working in Pathlight, and gained an invaluable network there that I hope to bring to SIM.
