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I'm quite lonely...

  • Author Author Ovrthkr817
  • Create date Create date
  • Blog entry read time Blog entry read time 2 min read
My closest friend is my sister. We've always been close, but many times she has mentioned that she only put up with me because I'm her sister, and if we weren't related we probably wouldn't be friends. I admit, I complain a lot, and I'm incapable of reading in between the lines, I don't listen and I interrupt quite frequently. Since I've self diagnosed myself with Aspergers all she's said is "You definitely have it. Now that you know what your problem is, fix it. Figure out what you have trouble with and work on it". If it were only so simple. We actually got into an argument a few weeks ago where I publicly yelled at her and said "It is difficult", then I walked away from her to cool off. She was telling me how it's not that hard to change my habits. This was before I self diagnosed myself.

I have another so called friend whom I've been questioning for the past 3 years whether or not he wants to be more than friends. But for the fact that I'm convinced her refuses to be seen in public with me, I doubt he wants more. He randomly calls me cute, or says things I do is cute, but he occasionally brings up my annoying quicks. According to him I don't listen, interrupt frequently and ramble on and on when he asks me a simple yes or no question, without actually answering his question. A couple of years ago he always used to tell me "Read between the lines". I'd ask him what he's talking about, then he would randomly start singing love songs. I feel like I'm reading too much into everything he does and that I over think everything, but I can't help it.

My sister lives in another province and the guy only talks to me on the phone. This means I don't get out much. Unless I'm going to work or going to see my grandmother. I don't talk to people online, because I never know what to say. So all the people on my Facebook, if I deleted my account, they probably wouldn't notice, they are not friends.

My problem is, I know what I want. I want friends, I want a boyfriend, I want to have regular contact with other people, but I don't know how to do it. And when people do start to get close, I often push them away or avoid them all together. No one really knows who I am. I've been teased by those closest to me and I push away anyone that tries to get close to me. I still live with my mom, and as much as I talk about moving out, I don't know how I would cope. I sometimes cry when I think about how alone I am and when she goes out on saturday nights and I'm home alone... I hate it.

Comments

B
Hello,
First I wanna start out by saying that even though you're feeling alone, you're not.
Secondly, I don't believe that what your sister said about not being friends if you weren't related is true. Deep down, she will hold some strong loving feelings towards you. My sister and I often fight. She's 3 years younger than I, and at 14 she is some ways more mature and grown up. She often says how selfish I am, and that I'm a cold-hearted person, but after that we make up and she tells me she loves me still. Perhaps suggesting to your sister that she joins this site might help her understand you a little more, because from the sounds of it she does what to understand.

Now, do you like the guy is the main thing. If you have feelings toward him, and are attracted to him then maybe you should start to show it. To read between the lines means to look outside the box. To look further than is being shown.
This guy sounds quite confusing if you ask me.

As for having little friends, perhaps you should start to go places where there might be more people like you. If your interests are in books, join a book club or take visits to the library. If you love films, go to a film club.

Just get out, and walk with an air of confidence. Push your shoulders back, hold your head high and smile. That way people will be physically attracted to you. People are more likely to want to meet you if you look friendly. Looking hostile will scare them away.

Think about visiting this site Autism Society - Homepage
It might hold some unanswered questions for you.

Good luck!
 
O
Thanks for the response.

I highly doubt that my sister would join this site to get a better understanding. I don't think she's ever really been supportive of me. She loves me, I do believe that, and she does tell me from time to time, but most of the time I don't feel like she does. I think she just uses me, talks to me when it's convenient for her, because whenever I need something from her, she fails to even try to deliver. I feel as though anything I want or need is irrelevant to her because she comes first. I've tried to tell her how I've felt many times, but I can never get the words out right, and if I do somehow manage to get it right, she easily turns it back on me as if I'm the selfish one.

About the guy. My feelings have been up and down with him over the years. But it think it has more to do with the attention I get from him since i don't get it from anyone else. I think he knows how easy it is to play with my emotions and that's what he's doing. I doubt he likes me though. The other day when I came back from vacation I asked him if he missed me. He replied "Hell nooooooooooooo! I didn't even know you were gone". Usually when he's rude to me or makes fun, he says he's just joking. But I think all he's been doing is making me feel worse about myself and allowing me to feel that I'm worthless. I've spoken to him about this before and he says that he does it to make me stronger. At times he's a really good friend, and I do feel like he's trying to make me more confident and get out more, but there are times when I feel the complete oposite from him.

I've thought about joining some sort of activity groups to meet people, but because of my work schedule being so inconsistant it's very difficult for me. I've been telling people since January that I've been looking for a new job, but truth is I'm terrified to work in my field. Terrified of failure that I've just stuck to what I know.

Throughout my life I haven't had any encouragement in anything and I've pretty much given up. I wouldn't call myself depressed, but I am frequently sad when I think about it. Some days I do feel good, and I do hold my shoulders high and smile, and when I smile, I do get more positive responses from people. I've actually been told by many people that I should smile more. I've always had a very serious face. Almost as if my face has been stuck that way. If I don't feel confident, I'm actually scared to smile because I think I look ridiculous.
 

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Ovrthkr817
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