Hi.
Today gave me the chance to experience a very satisfying morning that I wish it would always be this calm and relaxing.
As always, I went to class, taking the bus. Surprisingly, it was cooling outside due to yesterday's storms, so I felt my body slightly shivering. Once inside, the sunlight through the window warmed my cold arms while my headphones were on, listening to my favourite songs during the fifteen minutes trip.
I walked across the path, surrounded by nature and animals, until I reached the psychiatric complex I'm studying at. I had to greet two of my classmates who were smoking outside, and as always, I had to focus where to exactly say hello. Is it too soon? Is it too late? Where should I look before reaching the precise position to greet? I carry on my detailed analyse before waving my hand. One of them said hello back, but the other one didn't and left me wondering if she's still mad at me. For a second, deeply guilt stroke my stomach strongly.
Avoiding any type of negative thought since morning, I entered the main building and said hello to everyone who passed by me. That's the social rule to be respectful, so did I.
After, it was just quick as always. Teacher came. Classmates came. Then, a lot of people talked loudly at the same time. I kept quiet. Just observed what was in front of me to forget how my ears hurt when they laughed innecessarily exaggerated. Finally, the movie we were watching together was on, so were my headphones. They always protect my ears from loud, disturbing noises. And the teacher allows me.
The movie was "I Am Sam". Cried several times. Found myself reflected so many times as well. I really recommend it.
Once it finished, we could go back home because today was special. Though, I had no idea where to go as I'm not used to return that early. Suddenly, a few classmates asked if we should go to have a coffee. I agreed, yet my anxiety stroke badly as it was a new experience I hadn't controlled before, my script didn't tell me which steps or lines should I follow and say.
Still, I went with them.
First, I had to get into an unknown car, triggering my panic with cars. Luckily, I chose wisely the sweetest person, kind of praying she would drive smoothly, otherwise I would desire to vomit from dizziness. I was relieved she was a great driver and we were parking in no time.
The five of us went to a cafeteria, then, choosing a table outside because it was already hot. I took the chance to go to the bathroom, triggering my anxiety regarding public toilets. It would be fine as long as it'd be merely clean. I wasn't too luckily because it was old and not so clean. However, I proceeded to carry on my ritual and could pee without any strong anxiety. Still, when I washed my hands, I had to dry them with paper from inside and my hands felt dirty yet. Even more when I had to open the doors. That's why I searched for a hands desinfectant outside. I don't think it was in good state as it wasn't completely liquid, what felt extremely upsetting and even dirtier. My skin didn't even dry it, so I had to rub them against my clothes. Believe me when I say this was absolutely disgusting. But had no other choice. I forgot tissues at home.
Trying to forget this challenging outcome, I helped to bring our coffees to our table and we removed the masks. I could only do so thanks to being outside, still I tried to be as far as possible. Breathing the same air as other humans can somehow become a torture for my brain these days.
Thankfully, the ambient took an amazing vibe. The trees shadowed us, the sun still warmed the whole avenue. The cars and people walked by, but it wasn't hectic, rather just enjoying a Spring morning. We talked quietly, one by one, listening to each other about our lives, our problems, about a future job and our families too. It wasn't just a chit-chat about weather or how boring classes could be as the rest of classmates, it was a coversation where we could know us a bit more, we could support and understand us as well.
I must say there was a moment where they all said their ages and they all doubled mine. So once again I confirmed I feel more social around people who have stable, independent lives with responsibilities, jobs, families and bills, than with people of my age who are just worried about what they're going to drink in tonight's party or how cool they are for having made out with someone last night.
If I had to just point out something negative from that hour we spent relaxing there, it should be when one of them smoke a cigarrette and its smell drowned me a bit. Still, I didn't say anything and prayed the wind would blow against me so I could breathe.
Back to the matter, once we were done, I took a bus back home, wearing my headphones again so I wouldn't lose my good mood.
Now, having a retrospective analyse, I'm proud of myself for having controlled all the sensory triggers that usually worsen my experiences in life. Years back, I would have just left class without saying even goodbye and would have missed an incredible chance that is only lived once.
I must also thank the tiny paper plane I did with the bus ticket, which helped me to stim through the whole morning, movie and trips included. In the past, I would have just thrown it away, but today I let my brain find its unique utility.
And I'm happy to be brave to stim in public.
Thank you for reading.
Ikarus 13.05.2022 10:50 PM
Today gave me the chance to experience a very satisfying morning that I wish it would always be this calm and relaxing.
As always, I went to class, taking the bus. Surprisingly, it was cooling outside due to yesterday's storms, so I felt my body slightly shivering. Once inside, the sunlight through the window warmed my cold arms while my headphones were on, listening to my favourite songs during the fifteen minutes trip.
I walked across the path, surrounded by nature and animals, until I reached the psychiatric complex I'm studying at. I had to greet two of my classmates who were smoking outside, and as always, I had to focus where to exactly say hello. Is it too soon? Is it too late? Where should I look before reaching the precise position to greet? I carry on my detailed analyse before waving my hand. One of them said hello back, but the other one didn't and left me wondering if she's still mad at me. For a second, deeply guilt stroke my stomach strongly.
Avoiding any type of negative thought since morning, I entered the main building and said hello to everyone who passed by me. That's the social rule to be respectful, so did I.
After, it was just quick as always. Teacher came. Classmates came. Then, a lot of people talked loudly at the same time. I kept quiet. Just observed what was in front of me to forget how my ears hurt when they laughed innecessarily exaggerated. Finally, the movie we were watching together was on, so were my headphones. They always protect my ears from loud, disturbing noises. And the teacher allows me.
The movie was "I Am Sam". Cried several times. Found myself reflected so many times as well. I really recommend it.
Once it finished, we could go back home because today was special. Though, I had no idea where to go as I'm not used to return that early. Suddenly, a few classmates asked if we should go to have a coffee. I agreed, yet my anxiety stroke badly as it was a new experience I hadn't controlled before, my script didn't tell me which steps or lines should I follow and say.
Still, I went with them.
First, I had to get into an unknown car, triggering my panic with cars. Luckily, I chose wisely the sweetest person, kind of praying she would drive smoothly, otherwise I would desire to vomit from dizziness. I was relieved she was a great driver and we were parking in no time.
The five of us went to a cafeteria, then, choosing a table outside because it was already hot. I took the chance to go to the bathroom, triggering my anxiety regarding public toilets. It would be fine as long as it'd be merely clean. I wasn't too luckily because it was old and not so clean. However, I proceeded to carry on my ritual and could pee without any strong anxiety. Still, when I washed my hands, I had to dry them with paper from inside and my hands felt dirty yet. Even more when I had to open the doors. That's why I searched for a hands desinfectant outside. I don't think it was in good state as it wasn't completely liquid, what felt extremely upsetting and even dirtier. My skin didn't even dry it, so I had to rub them against my clothes. Believe me when I say this was absolutely disgusting. But had no other choice. I forgot tissues at home.
Trying to forget this challenging outcome, I helped to bring our coffees to our table and we removed the masks. I could only do so thanks to being outside, still I tried to be as far as possible. Breathing the same air as other humans can somehow become a torture for my brain these days.
Thankfully, the ambient took an amazing vibe. The trees shadowed us, the sun still warmed the whole avenue. The cars and people walked by, but it wasn't hectic, rather just enjoying a Spring morning. We talked quietly, one by one, listening to each other about our lives, our problems, about a future job and our families too. It wasn't just a chit-chat about weather or how boring classes could be as the rest of classmates, it was a coversation where we could know us a bit more, we could support and understand us as well.
I must say there was a moment where they all said their ages and they all doubled mine. So once again I confirmed I feel more social around people who have stable, independent lives with responsibilities, jobs, families and bills, than with people of my age who are just worried about what they're going to drink in tonight's party or how cool they are for having made out with someone last night.
If I had to just point out something negative from that hour we spent relaxing there, it should be when one of them smoke a cigarrette and its smell drowned me a bit. Still, I didn't say anything and prayed the wind would blow against me so I could breathe.
Back to the matter, once we were done, I took a bus back home, wearing my headphones again so I wouldn't lose my good mood.
Now, having a retrospective analyse, I'm proud of myself for having controlled all the sensory triggers that usually worsen my experiences in life. Years back, I would have just left class without saying even goodbye and would have missed an incredible chance that is only lived once.
I must also thank the tiny paper plane I did with the bus ticket, which helped me to stim through the whole morning, movie and trips included. In the past, I would have just thrown it away, but today I let my brain find its unique utility.
And I'm happy to be brave to stim in public.
Thank you for reading.
Ikarus 13.05.2022 10:50 PM
