Sometimes I wonder if the reason people find themselves in dysfunctional or stressful relationships is because they don't do their homework. Think about it, the average person probably does more research when it comes to buying consumer goods like electronic equipment, cars, appliances, and even homes than they do in evaluating a prospective partner. It's almost like that is not considered romantic.
While no relationship is perfect, there are things that are red flags and tons of ink have been spilled and forests cut down discussing them so I am not going to go into that. But there is one area I think that has been overlooked, and that is religion.
Religious differences, if great enough, can make or break a relationship. And that includes the family surrounding the person you are interested in. "Brideshead Revisited" is a classic example. While I doubt that there are too many people out there like Lady Marchmain, it is very instructive to see how she uses her Catholicism to control not only her children but their would-be partners. Yet, even though she is not a very likeable character, nothing that she says about God and what He demands of us is counter to traditional, pre-Vatican II Catholic teaching! On the contrary, her attitudes can be traced far, far back in church history. There was a mother of a saint, I believe it may have been St. John Vianney, who told her children that she would rather see them dead than to see them commit a single mortal sin. And this statement has been repeated with approval down through the centuries. So this is where Lady Marchmain is coming from, and once you understand that you can understand her and why she says and acts as she does. She is not coming up with this stuff on her own.
The first thing you need to find out, if you and your partner do not share the same faith, is how does his or her faith view relationships with outsiders. This is a biggie. There are some churches and some religions that are more open to intermarriage than others. If the person you are interested in comes from a religious background that discourages interfaith relationships, even if he or she does not go along with what their religion teaches, what about the rest of his or her family? And how much interaction will the two of you have with them?
That doesn't mean that interfaith relationships can't work, but you need to know the potential problems going in. These are some of the areas of concern that I am aware of regarding different churches and religions. This is not to put down any of them, but just to highlight things that may end up being deal-breakers.
First, the religion I know best: Catholicism. I come from two generations of mixed marriages (Catholic and Protestant) so it is interesting to see how the Catholic church has changed in regards to mixed marriages. When my grandparents married, they were not allowed to get married in the church building but had to be married in the priest's residence and to say that the church tried its best to discourage this marriage is an understatement. By the time my parents married, they were allowed to get married in the church entrance but not at the altar. And, as with my grandparents, there were all kinds of concessions that the non-Catholic partner had to make, the biggest being that the non-Catholic partner had to sign a paper saying he or she would not interfere with the Catholic partner practicing his or her faith and that all children had to be raised Catholic. No ifs ands or buts. You didn't agree with that, the priest would not marry you. Period. Now I understand that this requirement has been relaxed and that mixed couples can get married up at the altar and even Protestant ministers can preside alongside the priest. However, as far as I know, for a marriage to be considered valid in the Catholic church, the couple MUST be married by a priest. If they are not, then the marriage is not valid and they are considered to be living in serious sin, and the Catholic partner cannot receive Communion. To a devout Catholic this is a very big deal. Again, there are some priests who will sort of look the other way, but there are some who will not, and the priest has the power, through the knowledge he gains from what is being confessed in the sacrament of Reconciliation (as they call it now) to withhold absolution and the right to take Communion. I'm just letting you know up front.
Secondly, the Catholic church does not allow remarriage after divorce, unless the first marriage is annulled which means it basically never existed. The church makes that decision and it does not have to have the consent of both parties. An annulment is also required of divorced Protestants seeking to marry Catholics. Not surprisingly when a former spouse learns that his or her marriage (which may have lasted several decades) never really existed, never really was a marriage, there is often a lot of hurt feelings, especially if children are involved. Annulment politics can be complex and ugly. The United States has one of the highest rates of annulment which the current Pope has spoken repeatedly about, and if he has his way, there will be a crackdown in that area. Considering that the divorce rate in the US is somewhere around 50%, this could have a very negative effect concerning who is eligible to get married in the Catholic church and receive the sacraments.
Thirdly, the Catholic Church does not allow the use of any type of birth control for any reason, and even natural family planning is not really encouraged. It is to be practiced only when there is grave reason to limit/space out births. By the way, if you go into a Catholic marriage deliberately intending not to have children, if that marriage later dissolves, that is one of the grounds for annulment. Again, in practice this varies from parish to parish and priest to priest. What I am stating here is the official teaching of the church. Contraception is a sin which needs to be confessed to the priest, and again he can decide to withhold Communion based on this knowledge. So, you can see where a Catholic in a mixed relationship may find him or herself having to choose between the church and that relationship, which is more important. And how the non-Catholic partner can find him or herself being bound to the rules of a church he or she does not believe in. Personally, I do not think Catholic/non-Catholic relationships should be entered into lightly and ALL of these issues I have described need to be discussed, starting with "how important is your faith to you."
Ok, that is Catholicism. Next I will discuss some other religions.
While no relationship is perfect, there are things that are red flags and tons of ink have been spilled and forests cut down discussing them so I am not going to go into that. But there is one area I think that has been overlooked, and that is religion.
Religious differences, if great enough, can make or break a relationship. And that includes the family surrounding the person you are interested in. "Brideshead Revisited" is a classic example. While I doubt that there are too many people out there like Lady Marchmain, it is very instructive to see how she uses her Catholicism to control not only her children but their would-be partners. Yet, even though she is not a very likeable character, nothing that she says about God and what He demands of us is counter to traditional, pre-Vatican II Catholic teaching! On the contrary, her attitudes can be traced far, far back in church history. There was a mother of a saint, I believe it may have been St. John Vianney, who told her children that she would rather see them dead than to see them commit a single mortal sin. And this statement has been repeated with approval down through the centuries. So this is where Lady Marchmain is coming from, and once you understand that you can understand her and why she says and acts as she does. She is not coming up with this stuff on her own.
The first thing you need to find out, if you and your partner do not share the same faith, is how does his or her faith view relationships with outsiders. This is a biggie. There are some churches and some religions that are more open to intermarriage than others. If the person you are interested in comes from a religious background that discourages interfaith relationships, even if he or she does not go along with what their religion teaches, what about the rest of his or her family? And how much interaction will the two of you have with them?
That doesn't mean that interfaith relationships can't work, but you need to know the potential problems going in. These are some of the areas of concern that I am aware of regarding different churches and religions. This is not to put down any of them, but just to highlight things that may end up being deal-breakers.
First, the religion I know best: Catholicism. I come from two generations of mixed marriages (Catholic and Protestant) so it is interesting to see how the Catholic church has changed in regards to mixed marriages. When my grandparents married, they were not allowed to get married in the church building but had to be married in the priest's residence and to say that the church tried its best to discourage this marriage is an understatement. By the time my parents married, they were allowed to get married in the church entrance but not at the altar. And, as with my grandparents, there were all kinds of concessions that the non-Catholic partner had to make, the biggest being that the non-Catholic partner had to sign a paper saying he or she would not interfere with the Catholic partner practicing his or her faith and that all children had to be raised Catholic. No ifs ands or buts. You didn't agree with that, the priest would not marry you. Period. Now I understand that this requirement has been relaxed and that mixed couples can get married up at the altar and even Protestant ministers can preside alongside the priest. However, as far as I know, for a marriage to be considered valid in the Catholic church, the couple MUST be married by a priest. If they are not, then the marriage is not valid and they are considered to be living in serious sin, and the Catholic partner cannot receive Communion. To a devout Catholic this is a very big deal. Again, there are some priests who will sort of look the other way, but there are some who will not, and the priest has the power, through the knowledge he gains from what is being confessed in the sacrament of Reconciliation (as they call it now) to withhold absolution and the right to take Communion. I'm just letting you know up front.
Secondly, the Catholic church does not allow remarriage after divorce, unless the first marriage is annulled which means it basically never existed. The church makes that decision and it does not have to have the consent of both parties. An annulment is also required of divorced Protestants seeking to marry Catholics. Not surprisingly when a former spouse learns that his or her marriage (which may have lasted several decades) never really existed, never really was a marriage, there is often a lot of hurt feelings, especially if children are involved. Annulment politics can be complex and ugly. The United States has one of the highest rates of annulment which the current Pope has spoken repeatedly about, and if he has his way, there will be a crackdown in that area. Considering that the divorce rate in the US is somewhere around 50%, this could have a very negative effect concerning who is eligible to get married in the Catholic church and receive the sacraments.
Thirdly, the Catholic Church does not allow the use of any type of birth control for any reason, and even natural family planning is not really encouraged. It is to be practiced only when there is grave reason to limit/space out births. By the way, if you go into a Catholic marriage deliberately intending not to have children, if that marriage later dissolves, that is one of the grounds for annulment. Again, in practice this varies from parish to parish and priest to priest. What I am stating here is the official teaching of the church. Contraception is a sin which needs to be confessed to the priest, and again he can decide to withhold Communion based on this knowledge. So, you can see where a Catholic in a mixed relationship may find him or herself having to choose between the church and that relationship, which is more important. And how the non-Catholic partner can find him or herself being bound to the rules of a church he or she does not believe in. Personally, I do not think Catholic/non-Catholic relationships should be entered into lightly and ALL of these issues I have described need to be discussed, starting with "how important is your faith to you."
Ok, that is Catholicism. Next I will discuss some other religions.
