"I see my friends, they all get to pursue higher education, all their goals, pretty much, they can have kids, or not. They can pursue careers, or not. They can move, they can hop in their cars.
They have so many choices and take them for granted. I have very little choice in my life.
...I feel cheated.
My lived experience is a just a whole bunch of bull****. Most of the time. But I try to just deal with it the best that I can. I try to not hold grudges, be thoughtful in how I deal with other people and even myself. I try to keep pushing, keep planning, keep working on things.
I literally am the f***ing embodiment of tenacity."
---
That's an excerpt from a letter I wrote my mother. A while ago. It was a response to the overwhelming pressure I was getting from her and my father- but mostly my father. This vast sense that if I only "try harder", they wouldn't be so disappointed in me. My mother hadn't been so bad about it, but she kept making excuses for how badly my father treated me.
Part of the letter brought up the point that this part glosses over: "What about MY disappointment?"
There are a lot of complications with my father and as of now- he doesn't speak to me. So, that's... something. I don't really understand it. Much of it has to do with the fact that I confronted him on how he treats me and he doesn't look after his health. I guess he can't take criticism. Now I am just not worthy of having a father I guess.
He won't speak to me but snuck in a card with my mother's things when she came for Christmas [they are married, but he won't speak to me and my mother is mad at him for that, so came down and spent Christmas with me]. The card was supposedly from "one of Santa's Reindeer" and had a good deal of money in it.
But, am I supposed to call him and thank him for it? He literally doesn't pick up the phone if he sees I am calling. But I didn't thank him because it's pretty awful to have him accidentally pick up the phone and say nothing. Literally. Nothing. To his daughter.
Um... so anyway. I don't know where I'm going with this. My health is not great. I'm having trouble getting to the bottom of it- partially because people won't listen. Meanwhile stuff like, I lose feeling in my arm. I'm worried I'm going to lose the independence I have worked very hard for. I'm having a lot of problems with my landlord and my father is a landlord and i could REALLY use his advice. But, oh well.
None of this seems to matter to most of the people who know me because... I'm "so resilient". I've always been "so resilient". ...apparently that's a never-faltering thing?
The trouble with being fairly resilient [psych-wise] is that when you say "hi I'm in trouble" people tend to say "you're fine. you always do fine".
Right.
I'm really frustrated in general. I try every day to change what is going on but I'm really just tired of everything. I'm so so tired. Not just physically. Just spiritually, I guess. I've had chronic pain to the point where it's inhibiting my functioning for going on two years without adequate treatment. Things work a little bit, or for a short time, or we can't get the dose up safely to where it would be actually effective coverage, or the side efrects are entirely too much. So, literally I've had a total of like three weeks, maybe four in the past 20 months or so where I didn't feel like my life has been drastically altered by this pain... so yeah I'm tired.
I can't talk to most people about this really. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free. I have no idea anymore. I can't even paint now.
They have so many choices and take them for granted. I have very little choice in my life.
...I feel cheated.
My lived experience is a just a whole bunch of bull****. Most of the time. But I try to just deal with it the best that I can. I try to not hold grudges, be thoughtful in how I deal with other people and even myself. I try to keep pushing, keep planning, keep working on things.
I literally am the f***ing embodiment of tenacity."
---
That's an excerpt from a letter I wrote my mother. A while ago. It was a response to the overwhelming pressure I was getting from her and my father- but mostly my father. This vast sense that if I only "try harder", they wouldn't be so disappointed in me. My mother hadn't been so bad about it, but she kept making excuses for how badly my father treated me.
Part of the letter brought up the point that this part glosses over: "What about MY disappointment?"
There are a lot of complications with my father and as of now- he doesn't speak to me. So, that's... something. I don't really understand it. Much of it has to do with the fact that I confronted him on how he treats me and he doesn't look after his health. I guess he can't take criticism. Now I am just not worthy of having a father I guess.
He won't speak to me but snuck in a card with my mother's things when she came for Christmas [they are married, but he won't speak to me and my mother is mad at him for that, so came down and spent Christmas with me]. The card was supposedly from "one of Santa's Reindeer" and had a good deal of money in it.
But, am I supposed to call him and thank him for it? He literally doesn't pick up the phone if he sees I am calling. But I didn't thank him because it's pretty awful to have him accidentally pick up the phone and say nothing. Literally. Nothing. To his daughter.
Um... so anyway. I don't know where I'm going with this. My health is not great. I'm having trouble getting to the bottom of it- partially because people won't listen. Meanwhile stuff like, I lose feeling in my arm. I'm worried I'm going to lose the independence I have worked very hard for. I'm having a lot of problems with my landlord and my father is a landlord and i could REALLY use his advice. But, oh well.
None of this seems to matter to most of the people who know me because... I'm "so resilient". I've always been "so resilient". ...apparently that's a never-faltering thing?
The trouble with being fairly resilient [psych-wise] is that when you say "hi I'm in trouble" people tend to say "you're fine. you always do fine".
Right.
I'm really frustrated in general. I try every day to change what is going on but I'm really just tired of everything. I'm so so tired. Not just physically. Just spiritually, I guess. I've had chronic pain to the point where it's inhibiting my functioning for going on two years without adequate treatment. Things work a little bit, or for a short time, or we can't get the dose up safely to where it would be actually effective coverage, or the side efrects are entirely too much. So, literally I've had a total of like three weeks, maybe four in the past 20 months or so where I didn't feel like my life has been drastically altered by this pain... so yeah I'm tired.
I can't talk to most people about this really. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free. I have no idea anymore. I can't even paint now.
