This play I am doing has really got me thinking. It really makes me wonder about memories and choices and even though my character says to her son that it really isn't about the women that his father slept with back in his college days, it's about something, a story or an event that makes you feel like you are somebody even when you are losing everything else mentally, (and I have seen that happen in my own family, so I understand where she is coming from when she says someday it could all slip away), I still can't help thinking about sex.
I was brought up, like all Catholic girls of that time and place, to save myself for marriage. At the time I didn't question what I was being taught, I thought it was all so romantic. It smacked of fairytales and the prince's awakening kiss. I was so innocent I knew nothing at all about what those stories were really about. Innocent. Ignorant. Is there any difference? Yes, I was innocent and naive and ignorant. But along with all the romantic stuff, there was another message I was being taught, and that was that Good Catholic Girls/Good Christian Girls did not have sex drives. We were to be pure, like the Virgin Mary. We were not to show too much of our bodies. Our bodies had the power to lead boys and men into serious sin, the Go-Straight-To-Hell type sin. We were told to be modest and avoid sins of the flesh. And also impure thoughts. All this had something to do with the area between our legs, the area that felt so delicious to the touch, but was to be ignored except on occasions of hygiene. We were told about St. Maria Goretti, who died at age 12 from being stabbed to death by a neighbor boy when she refused his advances: "It is a sin," she told him over and over. So he took the knife to her instead of his penis and she became a saint and martyr. We were told that the Virgin Mary told the children at Fatima in 1917 that "most people go to hell for sins of the flesh." We were taught, at least in my house, to look down on women who were sexually active outside of marriage. Getting pregnant out of wedlock was the absolute worst thing one could do. Only white trash did that and we were not white trash. My mother hammered that into our heads so often that now I wonder, was there some dirty dark secret in her family line? It didn't stop my youngest sister from taking the pregnancy gamble and losing. She found out then that Mom wasn't kidding--before she knew it she was being forced to sign adoption papers. My grandparents went to their graves never knowing about their first granddaughter.
And armed with that knowledge, we were tossed out into the world like lambs to the slaughter. I was forcibly French-kissed and groped on my first date by a boy I knew from school, a boy who thrust my hand down his pants and then said, I have a hard-on, do you want to see it? This was at a movie. This was NOT supposed to happen. Not to girls like me. What did I do wrong?
Far from being applauded, I found myself mocked by both sexes for my stand. I was told it was not realistic. I was called all kinds of names. All I ever wanted was a "normal" dating life. Maybe it would have been different if love, affection had been allowed to grow and develop before all the physical stuff started, but it did not. I learned quickly that if a man showed interest in me it was not a good thing.
Meanwhile, the abstinence movement was just getting started, and I went to some of their meetings hoping to get answers. But they had no answers. And the reason why they did not have any answers is that quite frankly, most of the people leading the abstinence movement don't know what the hell they are talking about. They are telling impressionistic young women that it is possible to have your cake and eat it too. They are not saying that if you decide to wait for marriage you may end up waiting forever. They do not know what they are talking about because they themselves do not practice it. If abstinence were all that great, why are most of its advocates married and presumably sexually active?
I can tell you about abstinence. I live abstinence. I practice abstinence. Partly because I never really found anyone I wanted to go to bed with that much, the terms under which sex was offered to me did not appeal to me. Whether through nature or training (possibly both), I never had much of a sex drive. I just don't understand those that do. I don't understand a drive so strong that it would lead one to force him or herself on another. I just don't think that way. I would no more do that than I would go through someone's wallet or purse. It's totally alien to me. If that's what having a sex drive does to people, then maybe I am better off without it.
Do I believe that abstinence should be offered as a choice? Yes--but tell the truth. Living a life of abstinence is a bit like becoming a vegan or following a kosher diet. It will affect your life, who you socialize with, how you socialize. It is not to be entered into lightly. Neither is sex. I realize some will not like what I have to say, but I feel that if you are going to practice abstinence first and foremost you must realize that unless you live in a community where there are opportunities to meet like-minded people, and especially if you are a woman, you are decreasing your chances of ever getting married. That's something the abstinence folks won't tell you. Therefore, if you want to choose this, be prepared for the possibility that waiting means forever, and that you'd better be prepared to earn a good living on your own. That's another thing they won't tell you. Because damn few guys buy into this waiting till marriage bit. You've got a lot of competition out there; if you won't give in they will find someone else. Am I the only one who thinks that magazines like Cosmopolitan and Redbook sound a little frantic with all their explicit articles on how to have good sex--if you don't satisfy him, someone else will? Well, I'm out of the competition so I don't care.
There's another dirty little secret the abstinence crowd won't tell you. I am going to tell you something that very few people know about me. Since I am not writing under my own name I don't have to worry about it being broadcast all over. But I have something called vaginismus. Basically, what it is is I couldn't have sex if I wanted to. My body will not allow it. What happens is the muscle at the entrance of the vagina locks up and it is a very powerful muscle. Nothing can get in if the vagina locks up. I have trouble getting pap smears due to vaginismus. And do you know what one of the main causes of vaginismus is? Having a repressive religious upbringing! Sexual abuse is another. Combine the two, and wow! And vaginismus is extremely difficult to treat. Let's just say the success rates are not encouraging.
I don't regret not having had sex, but I can't help but feel that somehow I was cheated out of something very important, something very special, because of the ******** I was taught. The abstinence movement means well, but it needs to start facing reality.
I was brought up, like all Catholic girls of that time and place, to save myself for marriage. At the time I didn't question what I was being taught, I thought it was all so romantic. It smacked of fairytales and the prince's awakening kiss. I was so innocent I knew nothing at all about what those stories were really about. Innocent. Ignorant. Is there any difference? Yes, I was innocent and naive and ignorant. But along with all the romantic stuff, there was another message I was being taught, and that was that Good Catholic Girls/Good Christian Girls did not have sex drives. We were to be pure, like the Virgin Mary. We were not to show too much of our bodies. Our bodies had the power to lead boys and men into serious sin, the Go-Straight-To-Hell type sin. We were told to be modest and avoid sins of the flesh. And also impure thoughts. All this had something to do with the area between our legs, the area that felt so delicious to the touch, but was to be ignored except on occasions of hygiene. We were told about St. Maria Goretti, who died at age 12 from being stabbed to death by a neighbor boy when she refused his advances: "It is a sin," she told him over and over. So he took the knife to her instead of his penis and she became a saint and martyr. We were told that the Virgin Mary told the children at Fatima in 1917 that "most people go to hell for sins of the flesh." We were taught, at least in my house, to look down on women who were sexually active outside of marriage. Getting pregnant out of wedlock was the absolute worst thing one could do. Only white trash did that and we were not white trash. My mother hammered that into our heads so often that now I wonder, was there some dirty dark secret in her family line? It didn't stop my youngest sister from taking the pregnancy gamble and losing. She found out then that Mom wasn't kidding--before she knew it she was being forced to sign adoption papers. My grandparents went to their graves never knowing about their first granddaughter.
And armed with that knowledge, we were tossed out into the world like lambs to the slaughter. I was forcibly French-kissed and groped on my first date by a boy I knew from school, a boy who thrust my hand down his pants and then said, I have a hard-on, do you want to see it? This was at a movie. This was NOT supposed to happen. Not to girls like me. What did I do wrong?
Far from being applauded, I found myself mocked by both sexes for my stand. I was told it was not realistic. I was called all kinds of names. All I ever wanted was a "normal" dating life. Maybe it would have been different if love, affection had been allowed to grow and develop before all the physical stuff started, but it did not. I learned quickly that if a man showed interest in me it was not a good thing.
Meanwhile, the abstinence movement was just getting started, and I went to some of their meetings hoping to get answers. But they had no answers. And the reason why they did not have any answers is that quite frankly, most of the people leading the abstinence movement don't know what the hell they are talking about. They are telling impressionistic young women that it is possible to have your cake and eat it too. They are not saying that if you decide to wait for marriage you may end up waiting forever. They do not know what they are talking about because they themselves do not practice it. If abstinence were all that great, why are most of its advocates married and presumably sexually active?
I can tell you about abstinence. I live abstinence. I practice abstinence. Partly because I never really found anyone I wanted to go to bed with that much, the terms under which sex was offered to me did not appeal to me. Whether through nature or training (possibly both), I never had much of a sex drive. I just don't understand those that do. I don't understand a drive so strong that it would lead one to force him or herself on another. I just don't think that way. I would no more do that than I would go through someone's wallet or purse. It's totally alien to me. If that's what having a sex drive does to people, then maybe I am better off without it.
Do I believe that abstinence should be offered as a choice? Yes--but tell the truth. Living a life of abstinence is a bit like becoming a vegan or following a kosher diet. It will affect your life, who you socialize with, how you socialize. It is not to be entered into lightly. Neither is sex. I realize some will not like what I have to say, but I feel that if you are going to practice abstinence first and foremost you must realize that unless you live in a community where there are opportunities to meet like-minded people, and especially if you are a woman, you are decreasing your chances of ever getting married. That's something the abstinence folks won't tell you. Therefore, if you want to choose this, be prepared for the possibility that waiting means forever, and that you'd better be prepared to earn a good living on your own. That's another thing they won't tell you. Because damn few guys buy into this waiting till marriage bit. You've got a lot of competition out there; if you won't give in they will find someone else. Am I the only one who thinks that magazines like Cosmopolitan and Redbook sound a little frantic with all their explicit articles on how to have good sex--if you don't satisfy him, someone else will? Well, I'm out of the competition so I don't care.
There's another dirty little secret the abstinence crowd won't tell you. I am going to tell you something that very few people know about me. Since I am not writing under my own name I don't have to worry about it being broadcast all over. But I have something called vaginismus. Basically, what it is is I couldn't have sex if I wanted to. My body will not allow it. What happens is the muscle at the entrance of the vagina locks up and it is a very powerful muscle. Nothing can get in if the vagina locks up. I have trouble getting pap smears due to vaginismus. And do you know what one of the main causes of vaginismus is? Having a repressive religious upbringing! Sexual abuse is another. Combine the two, and wow! And vaginismus is extremely difficult to treat. Let's just say the success rates are not encouraging.
I don't regret not having had sex, but I can't help but feel that somehow I was cheated out of something very important, something very special, because of the ******** I was taught. The abstinence movement means well, but it needs to start facing reality.
