Today I took a break from my regular church and went to visit the competition down the road. To my surprise they seem to be more open to women in leadership roles (the youth pastor is a woman). However, I did have problems with the general noise level. They are remodeling a store and oh, did it ever echo. That didn't stop them from having the music up full blast. I did say to the youth pastor that as a person with Aspergers I was noise sensitive. She suggested earplugs. But why does the music have to be so frigging LOUD? The funny thing is she said they had a couple of children with Aspergers in the congregation--so they do understand about sensory overload. But apparently it hasn't really sunk in. I feel sorry for those kids.
Anyway she and her husband (the pastor) was telling me and a couple of other guests about the structure of the church and what kinds of programs they have to offer. They pride themselves on being open to everyone, but when I asked about older singles they said yes, they had a few. Not surprisingly they were all women. What about men? Blank look.
So right now they don't have a singles ministry (neither does my church). But if they ever do get enough singles to have a ministry they plan to segregate by gender. And here's where the elephant in the room comes in.
The elephant is homosexuality. It is the one thing that churches like this do not like to talk about. Oh, they like to talk about it in general terms--but all the homosexuals that they are concerned about are OUTSIDE. They do not like to talk about the potential for homosexuality IN THEIR MIDST.
Now I believe that no one wakes up one morning and says "Gee, I'd like to be gay." I do believe for the most part it is something you are born with and therefore not a choice as such. But as I am getting older I am learning that human sexuality is not always black and white. I believe that there are life conditions that can nudge one into homosexuality--and being isolated from the opposite sex can be one. The nuns who ran convents were well aware of this inclination and in their writings you find repeated warnings about "particular friendships." Meaning "don't get too close to any one individual or your vocation may well be in danger." So they knew. Chastity comes hard for many people and temptation isn't always the opposite sex.
The problem is that there aren't many 40-year-old virgins (or older) that are speaking about what prolonged "involuntary" celibacy can do to those of us who aren't asexual. Is it really healthy for women to associate only with women and men only with men? I think the ongoing scandals in the Catholic church with clerical child abuse gives an answer. If the only men in my life are those who are not available then what happens to my human need for love of a physical kind? What happens if I should strike up a close friendship with another single woman in my church and then both of us finding that somehow it is turning into something else out of need and loneliness? What about the woman or man who is struggling with same-sex attraction in an environment that does not acknowledge that it can happen IN THEIR MIDST?
One thing in life I have learned is to never say never. As far as I am consciously aware, I am not sexually attracted to women. But I am more comfortable around women than I am around men and it is possible, I am afraid, that someday "it" could happen--that I could fall in love, and NOT with a man. Despite all my best intentions and wishes. Despite everything. Because love will not be denied. Maybe it won't happen. Maybe it "can't" happen. But it's a pretty sobering thought considering that most older singles in the church ARE female. The men simply aren't there. Instead of segregating us maybe they should think of ways to integrate us.
Anyway she and her husband (the pastor) was telling me and a couple of other guests about the structure of the church and what kinds of programs they have to offer. They pride themselves on being open to everyone, but when I asked about older singles they said yes, they had a few. Not surprisingly they were all women. What about men? Blank look.
So right now they don't have a singles ministry (neither does my church). But if they ever do get enough singles to have a ministry they plan to segregate by gender. And here's where the elephant in the room comes in.
The elephant is homosexuality. It is the one thing that churches like this do not like to talk about. Oh, they like to talk about it in general terms--but all the homosexuals that they are concerned about are OUTSIDE. They do not like to talk about the potential for homosexuality IN THEIR MIDST.
Now I believe that no one wakes up one morning and says "Gee, I'd like to be gay." I do believe for the most part it is something you are born with and therefore not a choice as such. But as I am getting older I am learning that human sexuality is not always black and white. I believe that there are life conditions that can nudge one into homosexuality--and being isolated from the opposite sex can be one. The nuns who ran convents were well aware of this inclination and in their writings you find repeated warnings about "particular friendships." Meaning "don't get too close to any one individual or your vocation may well be in danger." So they knew. Chastity comes hard for many people and temptation isn't always the opposite sex.
The problem is that there aren't many 40-year-old virgins (or older) that are speaking about what prolonged "involuntary" celibacy can do to those of us who aren't asexual. Is it really healthy for women to associate only with women and men only with men? I think the ongoing scandals in the Catholic church with clerical child abuse gives an answer. If the only men in my life are those who are not available then what happens to my human need for love of a physical kind? What happens if I should strike up a close friendship with another single woman in my church and then both of us finding that somehow it is turning into something else out of need and loneliness? What about the woman or man who is struggling with same-sex attraction in an environment that does not acknowledge that it can happen IN THEIR MIDST?
One thing in life I have learned is to never say never. As far as I am consciously aware, I am not sexually attracted to women. But I am more comfortable around women than I am around men and it is possible, I am afraid, that someday "it" could happen--that I could fall in love, and NOT with a man. Despite all my best intentions and wishes. Despite everything. Because love will not be denied. Maybe it won't happen. Maybe it "can't" happen. But it's a pretty sobering thought considering that most older singles in the church ARE female. The men simply aren't there. Instead of segregating us maybe they should think of ways to integrate us.
