Aspie boyfriend left me...

[On the Inside]

I always am interested in these NT/Aspie relationship threads. They help me to see things from the other side in a much clearer way than actual interactive experience.

My ex worked pretty hard to maintain a relationship with me after we split. Trying to bend and tweak, connect in a different way. Years later, I finally wrote her a letter requesting that she no longer contact me for any reason whatsoever.

Her continued involvement, even as little that we had, created a lot of difficulty in my subsequent relationship, and I really didn't see the point of it any longer. I don't know if she wished we'd stayed together, if she wanted me back, or if she really did just want to be friends, but it just didn't work as a friendship.

 

[twilightzone76]

I always am interested in these NT/Aspie relationship threads. They help me to see things from the other side in a much clearer way than actual interactive experience.

My ex worked pretty hard to maintain a relationship with me after we split. Trying to bend and tweak, connect in a different way. Years later, I finally wrote her a letter requesting that she no longer contact me for any reason whatsoever.

Her continued involvement, even as little that we had, created a lot of difficulty in my subsequent relationship, and I really didn't see the point of it any longer. I don't know if she wished we'd stayed together, if she wanted me back, or if she really did just want to be friends, but it just didn't work as a friendship.

In your opinion and your own experience, do Aspies have the capability to miss an ex? I've heard they usually just move on and don't experience feelings of wanting someone back...not sure if that's true or not...

 

[On the Inside]

For me, yes, but in a nostalgic way, if that is the right word. I think back to particular things fondly, or with desire, but I move on. I don't want someone back. I have too much bandwidth taken up by people I've longed for but never connected with to spend much on missing someone I actually had a relationship with. Besides, there is a reason a relationship ends, I don't know that those things can be reconciled.

So, at least for me it is true.

 

[Bolletje]

In your opinion and your own experience, do Aspies have the capability to miss an ex? I've heard they usually just move on and don't experience feelings of wanting someone back...not sure if that's true or not...

It's not true in my case. When I broke up with my last boyfriend I had to keep reminding myself of the reasons I broke it off, because I kept reminiscing about the good times. I missed him, but it was for selfish reasons. I didn't want him back, I just wanted him to be available when I felt like talking/sex.

 

[Kept in the dark]

I can't say for certain that he will be back, but by the sound of it he's just burnt out from the pressures of everyday life. Plus there's his personal issues, which he may want to deal with himself; however, make it known to him that he can rely on you for help if he needs it. Still, the best thing to do for this sort of situation is to let him have his space. If he does love you as much as you say he does, he just needs time to relax and sort out his issues before he can comfortably be in a relationship.
If you do get back together, remember this; We aspies greatly value our alone time. We need time alone with our own thoughts, in peace and quiet to simply relax. This doesn't mean we don't enjoy the company of others, we just can't handle constant interaction. It mentally exhausts us and makes us very stressed.

You just answered more questions for me - he likes his "ALONE" time. Mine has never been affectionate though - unlike the woman you are responding too.

 

[Kept in the dark]

We're talking. I don't know if it's good or bad...We're just talking about stuff, not about us. I don't even think it's a good idea now but I'd like to do that too. We should discuss the "us" part too, but without him feeling pressured.
I am twisted by so many feelings right now, on the one hand I got a better grasp of him and his oddities, his social/romantic impairment, but on the other hand I am so angry and sad that he rejected me so brutally.
Sorry, I just had to vent it.

"I am an NT and I can relate to everything you are saying. It hurts and gets frustrating, I just pray a lot and God gives me much strength and brings people to me to keep my Faith up. I will not give up on my guy."

 

[Kept in the dark]

So I decided to just let him be for a couple of weeks. I miss him enormously, but he needs alone time.
I will then try to build up a companionship of some kind, and discuss logically and rationally about how to improve our connection - his needs, my needs. The first time resulted in failure because there was no strategy involved. There were emotions running about everywhere. So maybe if we think of something more like a "contract", he will feel more safe and not be so worried because he's not "normal" enough for me. I don't like normal. I like him.

"You sound so much like me. I told my guy I didn't care if he was impotent and that sex was not a deal breaker. I told him I had no desire to clip his wings or try to control him. I love my guy with my whole heart and soul and I think even though he said he is okay with being alone that he really doesn't want to be and I really think his mother (whom he does not livie with) is a very big influence over him) She will not give me the time of day and I have bought this woman flowers a number of times and sent her cards and she will not even have me over for dinner when she has him over."

 

[Verdandi]

You just answered more questions for me - he likes his "ALONE" time. Mine has never been affectionate though - unlike the woman you are responding too.

Some days ago we accidentally met on the cycling lane. We talked for like 2 minutes and then he was gone. Full speed. He texted me telling me he didn't know what to say to me. I have never felt a heartbreak like this my entire life.

 

[paloftoon]

In your opinion and your own experience, do Aspies have the capability to miss an ex? I've heard they usually just move on and don't experience feelings of wanting someone back...not sure if that's true or not...

It depends on the aspie. Some will miss their ex, likely miss him/her too much, and others will be so dense about it. To find a good balance, probably exists, but harder for aspies to learn/maintain such a balance generally speaking.

i.e. When I ruined a good connection, I have a tendency to miss that person too much. Even though I have reasons, it's to the point where I have to move on with my own life solely.

 

[Keigan]

While you were with him, did he express himself with statements like “I think the Apple is red” or with statements like “I feel the warmth and the glow of the Apple”.

The difference being the intellectual rationalization and the second being empathic.

Based upon your original post, I would suspect that he is not empathic.

More to follow.

 

[Ragnahawk]

Some days ago we accidentally met on the cycling lane. We talked for like 2 minutes and then he was gone. Full speed. He texted me telling me he didn't know what to say to me. I have never felt a heartbreak like this my entire life.

I'm aspy. Be forward. Show him these posts. Relinquish your security, and ask for honesty. Maybe smell is bothering him, or maybe he was upset with your choice of words. Maybe he feels that he is hurting you by being with you.

If your not going to be honest w him. I can tell you I don't like that about people. Honesty is my bread and butter. That's why I so easily offend other people.

Another thing to look at in a relationship is compromising. Divorce is a easy thing by today's standards.

One other possibility I can think of is pride. You called him intelligent. A mistake. Now he has to self-validate because of the title placed onto him. I think all people should accept their weakness. For example, this text is dirty. It has no format, and most of my words are simple. I am a poor writer. I leave a lot of holes in my arguments. I often use vague words.

 

[Mattymatt]

In your opinion and your own experience, do Aspies have the capability to miss an ex? I've heard they usually just move on and don't experience feelings of wanting someone back...not sure if that's true or not...

I miss my two exes quite deeply. Still do after all these years. It takes so much effort for me to build intimate relationships so when one is successful, I guess I made it my world. Hardly does a week go by where I do not think or even wonder. I think it really depends on the where the person lies on the spectrum. I am very capable of being empathetic and good at it but I often suck at interpreting needs of others.

I was told that I have some charm, humor, and wit and that I am a very loving and lovable person but the two relationships that I've had in my life lasted 6 months or less. I do not understand why and I've nothing further to gain from trying to analyze them so I move on. At least in my present state I am not really relationship material so I don't often think of dating - mostly I think of love lost. I am 6'4", 366 pounds, and living on disability. I do not present well physically and emotionally so I've got a bit of an upward battle to fight.

 

[VioletsAreBlue]

So what happened?

 

[AO1501]

In your opinion and your own experience, do Aspies have the capability to miss an ex? I've heard they usually just move on and don't experience feelings of wanting someone back...not sure if that's true or not...

An old thread and so pointless, but I saw this and was appalled. My first WTF moment for a long time!

I'm an Aspie, I'm not emotionally dead. The mechanism is far from uncommon, when someone walks out of my life and hurts me, I am hurt. It is a real hurt, not some piss-ant inconvenience. The only way I can protect myself from being totally broken is to walk away and move on. It is self-defence, the only protection I have, it is what many, many people do.

I get that sometimes it is hard to work out what other people want and need, but seriously. Seriously, If I have loved someone I have loved them. It isn't fake, it isn't because I'm bored and this might be a nice way to spend a month or two. If they break me and I walk away, it doesn't mean I would not have them back. I might not, but like anyone, it would depend on why I could and whether it feels right that I should.

Rarely have I read something so disgracefully ignorant.

 

[Geirlaug]

You're not alone. I'm experiencing the same thing now. My boyfriend has been so loving travelling long distances for me, but now he's in a depression and says that he misses me but is not feeling well and needs to be alone. That I should find someone better. I'm going through the same aweful thing. I've told him I respect his time for healing and that I am here when he feels better. It's hard.

 

[dasilvay]

Hello, I've been through similiar experience right now.
First of all, sorry for my bad english. I am a NT and i was in relationship with asperg, he wasn't that extremist kind of asperg, but he was on the spectrum. First 6 months were wonderfull, we had lovely relationship and I wanted to be with that person till death. But it all has changed just for no reason. He just started to ignore me even that he said he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me week ago after the ignor. He didn't send any message for 1.5 months even that I was waiting... I was really in love, never had such an experience. We returned to ourselves after 1.5 months, when he writed me that he doesn't have anyone even not friends and that he misses me. It was probably biggest mistake for me to give him an another chance, but I was in love. Now it's 2 months after this return, 1 month after he whispered to my ear how much he loves me and now he started to ignore again. I had to ask him many times what happened and when he finally asnswered he just said he doesn't know if he wants me right now. Well, it all has ended and I was in depression again...
Luckily, I am ok now. I loved that person because he was diffrenet, I gave him his space, I did slow moves, but all my effort seems to be for nothing. I don't know what happened, how he can once say "I love you" and then say "I don't know" not even few weeks after. I don't want to be evil on ppl with this diagnoses, I know they going through difficult life, but THAT IGNORANCE, absolutely ignorance about my feelins, was just enough. I hope everyones will be happy once and maybe we will met as a friends one day.

 

[Karis Thain]

Agree with what others say about giving space, but add that it may not guarantee reconciliation, or if it does, a change in the relationship that is to your liking/meet your needs.
5
I have been in this situation, I am Aspie male, she was NT, and rather than breaking up, which would have been the best for both, I stuck it out and tried to ignore the bells going off that I wasn't able to be in a relationship, either at that time, or with that person. I have a very deep distrust of/blindness to that inner voice that councels us regarding our needs and wants as they pertain to relstionships.

Anyways, for me, sticking it out just made things worse, but she kept on wanting to work on it, in spite of my growing indifference. Not the best behavior on my part, and I am deeply ashamed by it, but I guess she hoped I would change back to the way I was early on.

I couldn't really see it clearly, or articulate it, but there were some events between us that caused a lack of trust, not of the honesty sort, but of the sense this person wasn't seeing me, but what she wanted me to be. I don't really see that until it hits me hard, and then I feel manipulated.

Can't say that this is at all analogous to your situation, just my experience in a similar case.

I’m learning so much here that makes sense of my recent relationship and it’s break down. My aspie bf started off falling over himself to be affectionate, generous, sweet, and after three months it fell apart. I’m realising that perhaps he was trying to show a side he thought I wanted, but couldn’t sustain. I was surprised by how quickly he became indifferent to me, that really hurt considering he’d done the chasing in the first place.

Maybe I just have a lot to learn about Aspergers

You say you can feel manipulated, I can see that, but for someone on the other foot we can also feel that way too- If you are trying to be someone you’re not and showing a side that’s not really being yourself it’s hard for the other person to know what’s really you and what’s the act- and feeling like someone was affectionate as an act is tough too!

 

[Jessie Jane]

Hello - new member here - and a sad one My Aspie BF (undiagnosed) ended our 2 year relationship 2 weeks ago and I am still struggling. I loved him. We had what I thought was a beautiful relationship. As soon as i figured out he was an Aspie I gave him space when he needed it. He didn't even have to ask - I could tell when he needed space and it would only last a week - if that. He told me after the first year he did not love me - but I was very special to him and he wanted to continue the relationship. The last three months of our relationship were amazing. We spent a month together in the countryside - everything seemed to be fine. One week after we came back he ended it. His words "I do not love you, I do not believe I will ever love you, therefore we are not a match and we will not work long term". There was nothing I could say or do to convince him that it was ok that he wasn't in love with me - sometimes these things take time - but his mind was made up and we are over.

Just wanted to post this to say to all the other heartbroken ones, you are not alone xx

 

[Jessie Jane]

Some days ago we accidentally met on the cycling lane. We talked for like 2 minutes and then he was gone. Full speed. He texted me telling me he didn't know what to say to me. I have never felt a heartbreak like this my entire life.

Just wanted to see how you were going Verdandi? 2 years has passed. I hope you got your strength back and are smiling.