tired of trying to make friends, but tired of being lonely

[cosmicfox]

this is mostly just a vent, im srry if im unable to respond, im just that socially anxious and worn out.

it might be skill regression, all the social confidence i built up during highschool and up until maybe 23 yrs old, all went out the window for the past 3 yrs. im 26 now.
now i have very little friends that i dont even feel very close to, because i struggle with talking to them. sometimes it feels like im expending my energy to try to get them to have a conversation with me. they dont really talk to me unless i talk to them first.

theyre not mean or anything. i think maybe...people are just not communicating as effectively anymore, myself included. i know i should ask if they could talk to me more or something, but i feel like ill sound needy. also im not sure how to phrase it. or if it would be worth it. its hard to know what to say to anyone and what to talk about. it doesnt help that im mostly a shut-in. im trying rly hard to get over my stubbornness and fear of others. i mean, i did before. why is it so hard now? social rules are confusing to me now.

i guess its just now im an adult and all my friends are busy with work and such. i struggle to even talk to people in a MMORPG i play.

i really value friendship,, well it feels like i use to. now people get on my nerves and i dont "get" people. i feel like i became more mean, not in a sense i bully people, but im so agitated by everyone that i refuse to interact with them most of the time. im sure its because of cptsd and being a people pleaser my whole life, but i dont want to feel mad and alone all the time. my brain goes to extremes of "i should never talk to anyone about my problems bc ill be a burden" and "i need people to like me so i have to like what they like and never express discomfort"

i feel like an angry person all the time and i dont want to burden my friends with that. i feel like a kid wanting to burst into tears and break stuff. i have tried purposefully avoiding interaction to refill my social energy. it works sometimes, but im mostly isolated and no one to talk to and feel close to, besides my dad. so i just vent to my dad and therapist. i miss having fun with friends and feeling like i belong somewhere. im sure its my mindset. and im trying so hard to change it, but it feels worse everyday. im finding people untrustworthy. i dont want to feel that way.

maybe theres something im doing wrong. maybe its me thinking too much. at the same time, i feel like i have nothing to say to people. how am i supposed to make friends if i dont have much to say? im too scared to talk to people. but im so tired of being scared.

 

[ManuelXX]

I understand you, sometimes I'm in a situation which is a little similar to your. I must recognise that I have a not bad number of friends, and I have also a girlfriend (I'm 20). But there are some days/moments during my free times when I would like to spend time with someone but at the same time I find difficult to call a friend and tell "let's do something". I know that this have no sense, but it happens.

 

[jsilver256]

Do you want friends, or do you feel like you should want them?

 

[VictorR]

i guess its just now im an adult and all my friends are busy with work and such

Anytime we go through life changes, whether it's leaving school, leaving a job, being with a partner, having kids, moving to a new place, etc., we will go through a social upheaval and with new responsibilities and challenges, one might not be in contact with older friends and acquaintances as much. Sometimes we also "drift apart" - and that's natural and not anyone's fault.

But with changes there also comes forth the possibility of new friends and acquaintances.

Are you currently doing any work, volunteering, internships or school?
If so, have you tried connecting with anyone in those networks?
If not, is that something you may be willing to consider?

 

[thejuice]

I think I also need practice at being uncomfortable being around people, I feel like a goof most of the time with nothing to say. Maybe a little at a time.

 

[Ghostinthemachine]

I struggle to form friendships and I found that the "friends" I attracted only wanted to tell me their problems but were never interested in hearing mine amd just wanted me to sort their issues so I gave up.life is so much easier when you refuse to take on others problems.if there is willing to be a reciprocal relationship in s friendship that's different but when it's all one way your better off alone

 

[Aspychata]

Think thru being uncomfortable initially with others, l honed my skill to be funny. As a result, l ended up finding out that people suffer exactly alot of the same issues l do. That help me feel more connected in life. If you focus less on feeling uncomfortable and perhaps more on what's happening with others, you may find life isn't that hard. Are people less trustworthy in general? I might agree with you there. I notice certain areas seem to have more predatory people then other areas. It does seem to be a way of life more.

 

[Seladon]

OP, at 30-flurf your worries strike a chord with me, too. If you spend long enough out of the circuit, you get ring-rust. Or you lose your taste for the mat. Sometimes I fear I might be turning into an asocial agoraphobe, the way my daddy and grandma did.

How @Aspychata spoke about trust & predation is another factor. Some ASD people have either very broken trust from years of trauma, or too much social naivete. Or both. And this makes us vulnerable targets in social arenas. Might this be playing on your mind? (it does mine).

Wish I had a good answer and solution. Hopefully there's a way back.

 

[Hypnalis]

@cosmicfox

Welcome to adulthood. Things change after education. You have to figure out that change and accept it.
The underlying cause is that the number of casual personal interactions drops precipitously. You have to start working on it yourself rather than waiting as social contacts occur randomly.

Venting, even therapy, may not be good for you. "Talk therapy" can (easily) make things worse for some people in some situations.

If most of what you're doing is reliving bad experiences, and then doing it again with your father, you should at the very least review your situation carefully.