I feel tired. It is a bit unordinary considering it is only one in the morning. Maybe I might get some good sleep. I just got up to turn off the light, letting the dim lamp at the end of the room light my way. Hopefuly the low amount of light can kick my circadian rhythm back into line. Hopefully. I am at my grandmas house for a little while. I don't have any internet, so I am just typing this out on my computer, getting it ready to be posted when I find some internet. My cousin lives here. She just got a new place for the first time, and I actually like hanging out with her. She defiantly has a personality. I say that with no negativity. As both of us say, normal is boring, and we live up to our words. It is nice being with someone where I feel not pressured to be someone I am not, I can just be myself. I haven't really had that with anyone recently. My friendships I made in the past was based off of that, but over time they started to integrate into normalness. I don't like it. I said it, I don't like being normal or acting like NTs. That is the thing, it is acting. I have to hold back on a lot of the stuff I wan't to say and talk about because it 'isn't normal' or socially acceptable. It doesn't feel like I am being me. I am not doingthe stuff that I wan't to do, I am doing the stuff that others wan't me to do and get little to no say in the matter. Lately I have been trying to integrate myself into my social persona. After all my life of people telling me I am 'different' and on top of that 'special,' it has really gotten to my head. I truly do believe I am different in a lot of ways that are better than normal people, so I don't wan't to integrate back into being social as just another someone. I wan't to be that someone Not really the centre of attention, but someone who stands out. I talked about this in the chat with Nitro. I don't really like rules. They are limitations. I get they are needed, the forum works the ways it does with because of the rules. And to be honest, I wouldn't wan't @tree anywhere near me if she had a bad day, and didn't have the ban hammer to use on innocent souls to unwind. Socaily though, there are a lot of rules. too many to count, and way to many to keep a track of to avoid when talking. There are rules that are fine where they are, and shouldn't be pushed, but a lot of them are just there for no reason, or for other peoples personal feelings, even if they are getting in the way of something positive. I wan't to push, and break those rules. I wan't to find out which ones I can push and which ones I can completely blow over. I wan't to find the right rules to break in order to stand out, and stand out positively. I don't wan't to be just another person.
Those where a lot of 'want's' I am someone who strives for perfection, but in all honesty. I don't think I am going to get what I want. maybe I am doomed to be like this for the rest of my life. Maybe, but maybe not.
I am at my ganders place. Last time I was here, I came because I wasn't feeling good at all, and barely clinging on. When I got back home, I almost had to go to the hospital a week later. I don't really know If I am feeling better. I have just been kind of ignoring it, clinging onto the hope that I am going to be able to keep a hold. It is hard to tell, things could go sour very fast, and something in the back of my mind tells me it is not a 'if' thing, but instead a 'when'. I wen't to my mental health clinic the mourning after that really bad night. I talked to one of the doctors for a good two hours. One of the things we talked in depth about was a therapy called mindfulness. The best way I could describe it is separating your emotions and your reactions to the emotions. You can feel sad, depressed, angry, but you know that they are only emotions, and you accept them, and let them pass. I think i did a pretty bad job describing it, so just look it up.
I have heard this therapy before, and I didn't buy into it. This time I did, but I have some problems with it. the emotions by themselves are just hard to deal with. Stress is a huge trigger. There is always that one though in the back of my head telling me If I kill my self, I won't have to deal with the stress, and even those thoughts ever again. It is a constant barrage, and picks away at me until it devours me. Then, I am in my emotions control. I kind of think I practice mindfulness already. I can resist and not give into these thoughts, but with time, I can't keep it up. It is kind of scary in the sense that the more I fight it, the stronger the negative emotions and my mindset become when it takes over. I become self destructive, and can do a lot of damage to my life in an episode.
I have to stop myself from writing more about this, my mood adheres to what I am writing about. So lets write about happy things. Skiing is awesome. Biking is awesome. When I get older, I wan't to base my life around those two things. People get so caught up in the mindset that they need the most expensive things. Most expensive and fast car, biggest house, newest phone, and all that. It takes money, and when you get all that stuff, it isn't actually going to make you happy. I Don't need a good job with a high pay, I just need something that can keep me living in a small cheap apartment, with a working cheap car, to take me to the mountains. Live mobile. Stay in a town for a year, get board, and find somewhere else to live the next year. I wan't to hit up the best skiing spots in the world. Go heli skiing in alaska, hit the whilstler backcountry powder, fly off cliffs and land on my back in the soft snow from a 150 foot cliff, hit the largest jumps that I can find on my bike. Live by the way of gravity and adrenaline. Why not? it makes me happy, why not devote my life to it.
Those where a lot of 'want's' I am someone who strives for perfection, but in all honesty. I don't think I am going to get what I want. maybe I am doomed to be like this for the rest of my life. Maybe, but maybe not.
I am at my ganders place. Last time I was here, I came because I wasn't feeling good at all, and barely clinging on. When I got back home, I almost had to go to the hospital a week later. I don't really know If I am feeling better. I have just been kind of ignoring it, clinging onto the hope that I am going to be able to keep a hold. It is hard to tell, things could go sour very fast, and something in the back of my mind tells me it is not a 'if' thing, but instead a 'when'. I wen't to my mental health clinic the mourning after that really bad night. I talked to one of the doctors for a good two hours. One of the things we talked in depth about was a therapy called mindfulness. The best way I could describe it is separating your emotions and your reactions to the emotions. You can feel sad, depressed, angry, but you know that they are only emotions, and you accept them, and let them pass. I think i did a pretty bad job describing it, so just look it up.
I have heard this therapy before, and I didn't buy into it. This time I did, but I have some problems with it. the emotions by themselves are just hard to deal with. Stress is a huge trigger. There is always that one though in the back of my head telling me If I kill my self, I won't have to deal with the stress, and even those thoughts ever again. It is a constant barrage, and picks away at me until it devours me. Then, I am in my emotions control. I kind of think I practice mindfulness already. I can resist and not give into these thoughts, but with time, I can't keep it up. It is kind of scary in the sense that the more I fight it, the stronger the negative emotions and my mindset become when it takes over. I become self destructive, and can do a lot of damage to my life in an episode.
I have to stop myself from writing more about this, my mood adheres to what I am writing about. So lets write about happy things. Skiing is awesome. Biking is awesome. When I get older, I wan't to base my life around those two things. People get so caught up in the mindset that they need the most expensive things. Most expensive and fast car, biggest house, newest phone, and all that. It takes money, and when you get all that stuff, it isn't actually going to make you happy. I Don't need a good job with a high pay, I just need something that can keep me living in a small cheap apartment, with a working cheap car, to take me to the mountains. Live mobile. Stay in a town for a year, get board, and find somewhere else to live the next year. I wan't to hit up the best skiing spots in the world. Go heli skiing in alaska, hit the whilstler backcountry powder, fly off cliffs and land on my back in the soft snow from a 150 foot cliff, hit the largest jumps that I can find on my bike. Live by the way of gravity and adrenaline. Why not? it makes me happy, why not devote my life to it.
