Just a thought. I need to feel suicidal to function. That doesn't make sense does it, well I am not a person of sense. I gave it some thought though, I think since then, I got a sense of what normally doesn't make sense.
If I think I am going to die in the next month, there are no consequences for my actions, because nothing really matters. I can't live with there being consequences for my actions anymore. I have been suicidal for so long, and using it as a defender mechanism, that I now have a dependency on it.
To make the choice to care is a hard one. To make the choice to live is giving up that defence mechanism. So far, that hasn't turned out well in the past, so I choose not to care.
I am scared to care. I am scared of something I call 'the fall' it is the point in which I loose hope, and get suicidal again, it normally comes with a heavy meltdown, and depending on how bad, possibly an attempt, and or self destructive tendencies.
These crashes are big. The longer I have been doing good, the worse the crash. I get fearful of it when I am doing good. It isn't a question of 'if' but 'when.' Sometimes I can rebound the next mourning and continue on, other times it sets a depressive episode into play that takes time to get out of.
Stress plays a huge part in this. I don't call on this defence mechanism to come and help me. Most of the times, they are intrusive thoughts. When I am working, or being forced to do something that I do not want to do, the thoughts are repeating themselves, 'if your dead, you never have to feel this way again' my brain just doesn't like to work
Most of the time, the thought can be scrubbed off. It doesn't feel nice at all having my brain telling to to kill myself all the time, so it feeds into the moment being a negative experience, making what my thoughts are telling me more appealing, turning this whole thing into a positive feedback loop that negatively spirals me downwards into an episode.
All the factors seemed lined up to make this as hard as possible to deal with :/
Thinking more in depth on this, I now get the scale of my dependency on this coping mechanism. God damn, I calm myself down at the end of a hard day by repeatedly telling myself that none of this matters. I feel like taking that mechanism away is going to make me catastophicaly collapse, as it is one of the few supports still holding me up.
Maybe the answer isn't getting rid of it, and trying to balance all this weight on one leg, maybe I shouldn't get rid of it for now. I survived for two months with no breakdowns, and considerable progress using this coping mechanism. I just told myself I will kill myself in January when school comes back, I made that promise to myself. And despite nothing really meaning any significance to me, I tried. I gave an effort. I got pretty far until things went sour again. Maybe it is living like I did, then removing that coping mechanism when the time is right. It is easier to say I care when I have a something to care about, instead of right now where I am practically bottom of the bucket.
Huh, that sounds like an idea. I will survive by willingly wanting to die.
Hey, it does sound stupid, but if you have a better idea, speak up.
Or maybe I might just die, but that is hard, I am used to people doing things for me, and I haven't met anyone yet that want to kill me, for me.
Where is Al Qaeda or Isis when you need them >:/
Despite the dark subject matter, I am feeling good. I would rate my mood a 6/10, ehhh, I am actually more feeling 3/5,
No,
No.
12/20
48/80
Hah. Math.
If I think I am going to die in the next month, there are no consequences for my actions, because nothing really matters. I can't live with there being consequences for my actions anymore. I have been suicidal for so long, and using it as a defender mechanism, that I now have a dependency on it.
To make the choice to care is a hard one. To make the choice to live is giving up that defence mechanism. So far, that hasn't turned out well in the past, so I choose not to care.
I am scared to care. I am scared of something I call 'the fall' it is the point in which I loose hope, and get suicidal again, it normally comes with a heavy meltdown, and depending on how bad, possibly an attempt, and or self destructive tendencies.
These crashes are big. The longer I have been doing good, the worse the crash. I get fearful of it when I am doing good. It isn't a question of 'if' but 'when.' Sometimes I can rebound the next mourning and continue on, other times it sets a depressive episode into play that takes time to get out of.
Stress plays a huge part in this. I don't call on this defence mechanism to come and help me. Most of the times, they are intrusive thoughts. When I am working, or being forced to do something that I do not want to do, the thoughts are repeating themselves, 'if your dead, you never have to feel this way again' my brain just doesn't like to work
Most of the time, the thought can be scrubbed off. It doesn't feel nice at all having my brain telling to to kill myself all the time, so it feeds into the moment being a negative experience, making what my thoughts are telling me more appealing, turning this whole thing into a positive feedback loop that negatively spirals me downwards into an episode.
All the factors seemed lined up to make this as hard as possible to deal with :/
Thinking more in depth on this, I now get the scale of my dependency on this coping mechanism. God damn, I calm myself down at the end of a hard day by repeatedly telling myself that none of this matters. I feel like taking that mechanism away is going to make me catastophicaly collapse, as it is one of the few supports still holding me up.
Maybe the answer isn't getting rid of it, and trying to balance all this weight on one leg, maybe I shouldn't get rid of it for now. I survived for two months with no breakdowns, and considerable progress using this coping mechanism. I just told myself I will kill myself in January when school comes back, I made that promise to myself. And despite nothing really meaning any significance to me, I tried. I gave an effort. I got pretty far until things went sour again. Maybe it is living like I did, then removing that coping mechanism when the time is right. It is easier to say I care when I have a something to care about, instead of right now where I am practically bottom of the bucket.
Huh, that sounds like an idea. I will survive by willingly wanting to die.
Hey, it does sound stupid, but if you have a better idea, speak up.
Or maybe I might just die, but that is hard, I am used to people doing things for me, and I haven't met anyone yet that want to kill me, for me.
Where is Al Qaeda or Isis when you need them >:/
Despite the dark subject matter, I am feeling good. I would rate my mood a 6/10, ehhh, I am actually more feeling 3/5,
No,
No.
12/20
48/80
Hah. Math.
