Is it me? or is it them? small question is stature, but not in the insurmountable amount of facts gathered on both sides. Too much in order to make a proper conclusion without it being grey. I guess that is just what life is, never a singular answer, always murky unknowing grey.
Is it me, or them?
I am sorry, I have a strong us vs them mentality. No, I have to admit, I don't run the diagnosis to the singular sympotom, but I can firmly admit that I am Narcisitic as an explanitory. Sterytypical, not the reall stuff.
I do have a feeling of differentness, and superiority to others. I know how fu- stupid this world is, how stupid the people on this world are, how destructive people are, how flawed people are, how flawed the system is, how flawed we are as a species. I feel special because I am ashamed to be human. I can see their imperfections to the core, and no one is doing work to fix the true problems at hand. Not just in politics, but for ourself and eachother. I know I thinkI know, this might just all be in my head, I don't know. I have never put this is type.
I live by these flaws though. I knowingly do them, I knowingly partake in what I hate in others. I do it because i don't care. I don't care about self improvement, I don't care about hope I don't care about anything anymore. Except my dog. Being suicidal has it's perks. The ability to truely not care about anything is somthing like no else.
The happiest moment in my life I can pinpoint with certainty and describe in way to much detail. It was When I last serriously ODed. My mind in those times are off to say the least, but I am so tempted by the end, I don't care to much for second guese or anything of tyhe sort. What is that NIke slogan "Just Do it™"
All the pressure, all the anxiety, all the depression, all the meltdowns, all the schoo, all the work, all the everything. Every danm worry, regret, anything. Gone. The released pressure from my chest let me breath for the first time in most of my life. All that pressure gone. Knowing, Knowing that it was finally the end to all of this sh- stuff.
I wasn't happy. It wasn't an estatic feeling, one with overwhelming joy. I was depressed, I knew the consequence. The consequences of my actions broke me down to nothingness just after I took the pills. All of my potential life, gone. No more skiing, biking, living in a van, all that stuff gone. This was a knee jerk reaction. A primal fear away from death away from the unknown. A fear programmed into us from millions in not billions of year of evaluation. The will to live.
It was weak, I broke at first, but I regained my footing and looked towards the unknown, accepting of only one thing for certain, change, I'm not much of a gambler, but I am willing to bet my soul to eternal damnation if christianity is right to escape this hell I was in.
The pressure off my chest, reminded me that life shouldn't feel as painful as it does for me. I found out what it is like to actually feel relief to this degree. It was pure euphoria. It doesn't matter who won the war, I was happy the war is just done.
That memory is rather an inspiration, or the most debilitating flashback I can think of. When I am doing good, fighting to keep afloat. That memory pops up. The thing is, it isn't a negative experiance, or negative emotions. This is something that felt good. Like a shot of heroin, it destroy my body, mind, and soul, but I will do nothing to get that rush.
Me, or them?
they are all fu- ... Stupid. every single one of them are stupid in some way. I am not excluded. At least I know. I accept my ignorance.
I'm not in a mood for debating to myself. I am in a mood of ranting what I know.
Except I don' know what else to write about.
I found something to write about.
I have a feeling I should write this.
Dear, Staff
I am sorry for my outburst approximately 1 minute ago in chat. I didn't mean it. Yes I did. I am sorry, Sometimes I feel getting stuff off my chest is more important than the rules on an internet forum based around mentally challanged people (face it, many of us know it is true)
I stand by my actions.
Sincerely, Voltaic.
Is it me, or them?
I am sorry, I have a strong us vs them mentality. No, I have to admit, I don't run the diagnosis to the singular sympotom, but I can firmly admit that I am Narcisitic as an explanitory. Sterytypical, not the reall stuff.
I do have a feeling of differentness, and superiority to others. I know how fu- stupid this world is, how stupid the people on this world are, how destructive people are, how flawed people are, how flawed the system is, how flawed we are as a species. I feel special because I am ashamed to be human. I can see their imperfections to the core, and no one is doing work to fix the true problems at hand. Not just in politics, but for ourself and eachother. I know I thinkI know, this might just all be in my head, I don't know. I have never put this is type.
I live by these flaws though. I knowingly do them, I knowingly partake in what I hate in others. I do it because i don't care. I don't care about self improvement, I don't care about hope I don't care about anything anymore. Except my dog. Being suicidal has it's perks. The ability to truely not care about anything is somthing like no else.
The happiest moment in my life I can pinpoint with certainty and describe in way to much detail. It was When I last serriously ODed. My mind in those times are off to say the least, but I am so tempted by the end, I don't care to much for second guese or anything of tyhe sort. What is that NIke slogan "Just Do it™"
All the pressure, all the anxiety, all the depression, all the meltdowns, all the schoo, all the work, all the everything. Every danm worry, regret, anything. Gone. The released pressure from my chest let me breath for the first time in most of my life. All that pressure gone. Knowing, Knowing that it was finally the end to all of this sh- stuff.
I wasn't happy. It wasn't an estatic feeling, one with overwhelming joy. I was depressed, I knew the consequence. The consequences of my actions broke me down to nothingness just after I took the pills. All of my potential life, gone. No more skiing, biking, living in a van, all that stuff gone. This was a knee jerk reaction. A primal fear away from death away from the unknown. A fear programmed into us from millions in not billions of year of evaluation. The will to live.
It was weak, I broke at first, but I regained my footing and looked towards the unknown, accepting of only one thing for certain, change, I'm not much of a gambler, but I am willing to bet my soul to eternal damnation if christianity is right to escape this hell I was in.
The pressure off my chest, reminded me that life shouldn't feel as painful as it does for me. I found out what it is like to actually feel relief to this degree. It was pure euphoria. It doesn't matter who won the war, I was happy the war is just done.
That memory is rather an inspiration, or the most debilitating flashback I can think of. When I am doing good, fighting to keep afloat. That memory pops up. The thing is, it isn't a negative experiance, or negative emotions. This is something that felt good. Like a shot of heroin, it destroy my body, mind, and soul, but I will do nothing to get that rush.
Me, or them?
they are all fu- ... Stupid. every single one of them are stupid in some way. I am not excluded. At least I know. I accept my ignorance.
I'm not in a mood for debating to myself. I am in a mood of ranting what I know.
Except I don' know what else to write about.
I found something to write about.
I have a feeling I should write this.
Dear, Staff
I am sorry for my outburst approximately 1 minute ago in chat. I didn't mean it. Yes I did. I am sorry, Sometimes I feel getting stuff off my chest is more important than the rules on an internet forum based around mentally challanged people (face it, many of us know it is true)
I stand by my actions.
Sincerely, Voltaic.
