What a night. crazy, crazy night. As you may have guessed, It wasn't a good type of night. my mind was in a pretty bad spot, and I got set off by something incredibly little. I wasn't doing good for the past two weeks, and all of that building emotional energy came collapsing in as the damn of my psyche cracked, then collapsed. Small triggers can be anything. That night was a blur so your guess is as good as mine, but I remember the descent into that mindset.
Bringing up that one point, I now remember it started in chat, someone said something that let me vent about some bad aspect of my life. Writing about the bad side of my life is a huge trigger. Maybe it is the cycle of negativity, feeding into my writing, then back into my head as I put it into words, maybe it is looking at what I perceive as the truth at that time, maybe... maybe I just don't know.
I like having answers to everything. Not knowing can scare me. it started out as a small feeling, and I fed it, knowing full well what it would do to me. I was already in meltdown at that point, and even before it, an urge to commit suicide was in the back of my head, so I wasn't afraid to jump down that rabbit hole.
That is the thing though, I have been living with these thoughts and impulses for so long, suicide doesn't scare me. Of course there is a primordial factor that makes me scared, one can not really get rid of it, but it can easily be overcome with time. Suicide these days is something good in my mind. The descent into depression that I must partake in to commit suicide is not. it is pain, but I think of it as an investment. I put pain a large amount of short term pain into the system to get rid of it long term. I can't trust myself with any commitments though. I know full well if I say I will do it tomorrow morning that it is extremely unlikyely it would happen, emotions pass, and I need the strong negative emotions to push me to do 'it'.
after writing my last blog, I did go to the garage. It took me a few minutes to get out of bed, I kind of sat on the side of it, just waiting. I stood up and walked up the stairs to the garage, I was shaking, my body was in full fight or flight mode, and I found it difficult to really rationalize the full extent of what I was doing in the moment. I knew what I was doing, there was no mistake in that, but there were areas of thought around the whole act that I wasn't partaking in. I threw the rope over the rafters after a couple of tries and tied it up strongly. The end of the rope hanging down had a heavy carabiner. I used this rope last to tow a car. The note was so tight, that I couldn't untie it, so the neck loop had to be made with it.
it was a mild winter night, only about ten under, but my hand where cold, I could see my breath, and the thick steal clip used with the rope around my neck burned with coldness. I just sat on top of my car, waiting for something to happen. enough motivation to just drop. Even now, I wish I did. i'm not suicidal at the moment, but I can still wish I was dead. the moment I was waiting for did not come. I sat there, just waiting, not moving, not crying, barely thinking, just waiting. I had the chance to do what I have been wanting to do for most of my life. I had tried it before, but swallowing a bottle of pills was much different than strangling myself. I heard it was a nasty way to die, and the fact that I didn't even have a noose would probably make it worse. I don't think it was fear that stopped me, it was something else. I don't know, I really don't know. After maybe ten minutes of sitting there, I took it off my neck and went back inside.
I had a memory gap. I have no idea why, it has never happened to me before. The whole night is hard to piece the events together, but I remember noticing. I waited inside for a bit in my room, and went back out to try again, the same thing happened and I wen't back inside after taking the rope down. I just went to my room and lied down. That is the last thing I remember before I realized I forgot something. The lights where still on and I wanted to get some sleep, so I got up and turned to turn them off. I knew I didn't wake up, It was just a feeling that I was conscious before I thought to turn the light off. I noticed a few of my things where trashed, I don't remember doing it. There was some blood on my pillow, I gouged a deep hole in my forehead, picking at a scab, I don't remember that either.
I didn't really care at that point. I tried to go to sleep but my mind was racing. I thought about what would happen if I failed an attempt again and had to go back to the hospital, I kept thinking about that. All the bad things that would happen, and soon, all the good things that would happen. Something clicked, whatever the feeling was, I thought it was long gone five minutes before hand. I was committed to die, but apparently not. I made the decision I am going to the hospital. I don't know what made me switch from one extreme to the stark opposite, but something was there. I sat on the choice talking to one of the users here on chat for a bit before going upstairs to wake my parents. I stopped twice before reaching their door, I was hesitant, but not because I was second guessing, I knew it was a big choice and I was scared of it. I also knew it was the right choice.
I am tired of being scared of myself, tired of being scared of when I was going to break next, tired of being scared of what I think of at nights, tired of having death looming over me ready to drop at any moment, tired of accepting it as my fate, throwing out what I know what would be a good life. I woke my parents and we went to the hospital. This isn't our first rodeo, and They knew I wasn't doing good at all, so it didn't surprise them, in fact it made them feel good that I was taking care of myself. we got there, and the wait time for emerge was 4 to 7 hours. (got to love Canada) we went home after getting hot chocolate. Normally I am not a large drinks guy, but I made an exception for the night. got home, and rented a movie that I have been wanting to watch for a long time, Spaceballs. you know those movies that are so bad, they are good? this movie was on the edge of just being plain horrible, and so bad it is good. It made for an amazing experience. I am guessing my mental instability and lack of sleep was making it better.
Our plan was to wait until my doctor was working, then talk to him. He wasn't in that day, so I got scheduled to go to a few therapy classes, then talk to one of the other doctors. Slept through the first class which was gym, no way was I lifting a finger. second class was a group therapy. I slipped back into a bad state of mind after I fell asleep for the nap, and barely talked, looking at nothing for the whole class. The other guys noticed and tried to loop me into the conversation, but I would just brush them off. I got to see the doctor and talked to him alone for a good two and a half hours. I left feeling a bit better with some answers to my problems, and now I am here. I basically slept all of yesterday after all that, and slept for most of today.
I see my actual doctor is four or so days. I don't know what is going to happen in between there. I feel normal right now, but I know it is unstable and could change any second. I am not getting much deeper into this, I am afraid of triggering myself.
Bringing up that one point, I now remember it started in chat, someone said something that let me vent about some bad aspect of my life. Writing about the bad side of my life is a huge trigger. Maybe it is the cycle of negativity, feeding into my writing, then back into my head as I put it into words, maybe it is looking at what I perceive as the truth at that time, maybe... maybe I just don't know.
I like having answers to everything. Not knowing can scare me. it started out as a small feeling, and I fed it, knowing full well what it would do to me. I was already in meltdown at that point, and even before it, an urge to commit suicide was in the back of my head, so I wasn't afraid to jump down that rabbit hole.
That is the thing though, I have been living with these thoughts and impulses for so long, suicide doesn't scare me. Of course there is a primordial factor that makes me scared, one can not really get rid of it, but it can easily be overcome with time. Suicide these days is something good in my mind. The descent into depression that I must partake in to commit suicide is not. it is pain, but I think of it as an investment. I put pain a large amount of short term pain into the system to get rid of it long term. I can't trust myself with any commitments though. I know full well if I say I will do it tomorrow morning that it is extremely unlikyely it would happen, emotions pass, and I need the strong negative emotions to push me to do 'it'.
after writing my last blog, I did go to the garage. It took me a few minutes to get out of bed, I kind of sat on the side of it, just waiting. I stood up and walked up the stairs to the garage, I was shaking, my body was in full fight or flight mode, and I found it difficult to really rationalize the full extent of what I was doing in the moment. I knew what I was doing, there was no mistake in that, but there were areas of thought around the whole act that I wasn't partaking in. I threw the rope over the rafters after a couple of tries and tied it up strongly. The end of the rope hanging down had a heavy carabiner. I used this rope last to tow a car. The note was so tight, that I couldn't untie it, so the neck loop had to be made with it.
it was a mild winter night, only about ten under, but my hand where cold, I could see my breath, and the thick steal clip used with the rope around my neck burned with coldness. I just sat on top of my car, waiting for something to happen. enough motivation to just drop. Even now, I wish I did. i'm not suicidal at the moment, but I can still wish I was dead. the moment I was waiting for did not come. I sat there, just waiting, not moving, not crying, barely thinking, just waiting. I had the chance to do what I have been wanting to do for most of my life. I had tried it before, but swallowing a bottle of pills was much different than strangling myself. I heard it was a nasty way to die, and the fact that I didn't even have a noose would probably make it worse. I don't think it was fear that stopped me, it was something else. I don't know, I really don't know. After maybe ten minutes of sitting there, I took it off my neck and went back inside.
I had a memory gap. I have no idea why, it has never happened to me before. The whole night is hard to piece the events together, but I remember noticing. I waited inside for a bit in my room, and went back out to try again, the same thing happened and I wen't back inside after taking the rope down. I just went to my room and lied down. That is the last thing I remember before I realized I forgot something. The lights where still on and I wanted to get some sleep, so I got up and turned to turn them off. I knew I didn't wake up, It was just a feeling that I was conscious before I thought to turn the light off. I noticed a few of my things where trashed, I don't remember doing it. There was some blood on my pillow, I gouged a deep hole in my forehead, picking at a scab, I don't remember that either.
I didn't really care at that point. I tried to go to sleep but my mind was racing. I thought about what would happen if I failed an attempt again and had to go back to the hospital, I kept thinking about that. All the bad things that would happen, and soon, all the good things that would happen. Something clicked, whatever the feeling was, I thought it was long gone five minutes before hand. I was committed to die, but apparently not. I made the decision I am going to the hospital. I don't know what made me switch from one extreme to the stark opposite, but something was there. I sat on the choice talking to one of the users here on chat for a bit before going upstairs to wake my parents. I stopped twice before reaching their door, I was hesitant, but not because I was second guessing, I knew it was a big choice and I was scared of it. I also knew it was the right choice.
I am tired of being scared of myself, tired of being scared of when I was going to break next, tired of being scared of what I think of at nights, tired of having death looming over me ready to drop at any moment, tired of accepting it as my fate, throwing out what I know what would be a good life. I woke my parents and we went to the hospital. This isn't our first rodeo, and They knew I wasn't doing good at all, so it didn't surprise them, in fact it made them feel good that I was taking care of myself. we got there, and the wait time for emerge was 4 to 7 hours. (got to love Canada) we went home after getting hot chocolate. Normally I am not a large drinks guy, but I made an exception for the night. got home, and rented a movie that I have been wanting to watch for a long time, Spaceballs. you know those movies that are so bad, they are good? this movie was on the edge of just being plain horrible, and so bad it is good. It made for an amazing experience. I am guessing my mental instability and lack of sleep was making it better.
Our plan was to wait until my doctor was working, then talk to him. He wasn't in that day, so I got scheduled to go to a few therapy classes, then talk to one of the other doctors. Slept through the first class which was gym, no way was I lifting a finger. second class was a group therapy. I slipped back into a bad state of mind after I fell asleep for the nap, and barely talked, looking at nothing for the whole class. The other guys noticed and tried to loop me into the conversation, but I would just brush them off. I got to see the doctor and talked to him alone for a good two and a half hours. I left feeling a bit better with some answers to my problems, and now I am here. I basically slept all of yesterday after all that, and slept for most of today.
I see my actual doctor is four or so days. I don't know what is going to happen in between there. I feel normal right now, but I know it is unstable and could change any second. I am not getting much deeper into this, I am afraid of triggering myself.
