Just to give a brief history of my endeavours so far, by way of providing a "back story" to this blog - in 1999, after two years working in an electronics factory and a lifetime of not being good with people, I decided that to throw myself into creative practice was the best way of escaping that world and bring me out of myself. The basic idea was that in forcing myself to be with other people in an environment where interpersonal interaction was structured and directed (by some text or other), that this would naturally result in me becoming more sociable and better at being around other people.
This was not as drastic as it sounds, for the previous 6 months, I had been part of a local amateur dramatics group and had secured the joint lead role in only my second production there, something I am still quite proud of. I also enjoyed Drama at school, before teenage stuff got in the way and made me doubt myself. So this seemed like not only a viable "career" path, but also something that could teach me to be a "better" person somehow. I must say that at this point for me, being an introvert was something of a cultural no-no. Quiet loners were often "wierdos" and possibly, in the national press at least, criminals. So this was something to be avoided or transcended at all costs.
Anyway, college beckoned and was engaged with, enjoyably at first and with some progress - I found out that I seemed to perform much better socially with people who were more outgoing, essentially taking their lead. With people that were shy or introverted, I tended to struggle more to initiate conversations and would generally feel more ill at ease. This, I would say, is a pattern that has persisted. I am a much better responder than I am an initiator, socially speaking. I also got into my first actual relationship, the fall-out from which unfortunately lasted longer than the relationship itself and poisoned the first two years of my degree to some extent as I'd lost all the confidence I'd built up in the first year of college.
This was also the time when I first seriously began to wonder about my mental health and the difficulty I seemed to have just being around other people and my preference for being alone or at best with one other person. I discovered Social Anxiety as a diagnosis and began to seek some kind of medical intervention. The doctor at the time was only too eager to prescribe me Seroxat, which did strange things to my sensorium and did nothing to alleviate the SA. My degree course was something of a compromise, the content decided by my persistent interest in the arts and the location by my ex - with whom I was still hopeful of some kind of reconciliation.
During the final year of University, I got a job at a local supermarket, a job I still have although I have since moved to a different part of the country. So in the seven years since I graduated from University with a first class degree, I have had one attempt at a Masters degree and a couple of application attempts since then, all thwarted by distinct lack of money, ideas and focus. It's hard to find the motivation I once had for the subject at hand since all my engagements seem so temporary and transitory.
It must be said however, that for nearly six years now I have been in a very strong relationship. We met at that same University and fell in love instantly and have lived together since then. Our bond is very strong and I don't think I could have got through the past six years without her support.
So this is now, and I have embarked once again on an undergraduate course that is part-time and, crucially, affordable. I do have a clearer view of what I want to do when I complete the course now, although I do sometimes lose sight of this, the most important thing is that I use the course to rebuild my confidence in myself and my interest/passion in the subject matter.
This turned out to be a bit longer than I had hoped, but if you've made it this far - thank you for reading!
Byron
This was not as drastic as it sounds, for the previous 6 months, I had been part of a local amateur dramatics group and had secured the joint lead role in only my second production there, something I am still quite proud of. I also enjoyed Drama at school, before teenage stuff got in the way and made me doubt myself. So this seemed like not only a viable "career" path, but also something that could teach me to be a "better" person somehow. I must say that at this point for me, being an introvert was something of a cultural no-no. Quiet loners were often "wierdos" and possibly, in the national press at least, criminals. So this was something to be avoided or transcended at all costs.
Anyway, college beckoned and was engaged with, enjoyably at first and with some progress - I found out that I seemed to perform much better socially with people who were more outgoing, essentially taking their lead. With people that were shy or introverted, I tended to struggle more to initiate conversations and would generally feel more ill at ease. This, I would say, is a pattern that has persisted. I am a much better responder than I am an initiator, socially speaking. I also got into my first actual relationship, the fall-out from which unfortunately lasted longer than the relationship itself and poisoned the first two years of my degree to some extent as I'd lost all the confidence I'd built up in the first year of college.
This was also the time when I first seriously began to wonder about my mental health and the difficulty I seemed to have just being around other people and my preference for being alone or at best with one other person. I discovered Social Anxiety as a diagnosis and began to seek some kind of medical intervention. The doctor at the time was only too eager to prescribe me Seroxat, which did strange things to my sensorium and did nothing to alleviate the SA. My degree course was something of a compromise, the content decided by my persistent interest in the arts and the location by my ex - with whom I was still hopeful of some kind of reconciliation.
During the final year of University, I got a job at a local supermarket, a job I still have although I have since moved to a different part of the country. So in the seven years since I graduated from University with a first class degree, I have had one attempt at a Masters degree and a couple of application attempts since then, all thwarted by distinct lack of money, ideas and focus. It's hard to find the motivation I once had for the subject at hand since all my engagements seem so temporary and transitory.
It must be said however, that for nearly six years now I have been in a very strong relationship. We met at that same University and fell in love instantly and have lived together since then. Our bond is very strong and I don't think I could have got through the past six years without her support.
So this is now, and I have embarked once again on an undergraduate course that is part-time and, crucially, affordable. I do have a clearer view of what I want to do when I complete the course now, although I do sometimes lose sight of this, the most important thing is that I use the course to rebuild my confidence in myself and my interest/passion in the subject matter.
This turned out to be a bit longer than I had hoped, but if you've made it this far - thank you for reading!
Byron