I'm anxious today. My short holiday is coming to an end, and tomorrow marks the day I'll be starting my final internship before graduating med school. I've been very excited about this, but ever so insidiously, The Fear started creeping in over the past few days. Maybe it's because I've been inside the house for too long. Maybe it's because I got ridiculously drunk last week. Maybe it's because I'm still not sure whether I should disclose my Aspergers to my colleagues. Whatever the reason, I'm filled with fatalistic thoughts today.
One of the main reasons is that I've been at this department before, for the same type of internship, but crashed and burned at the time. I was a depressed mess, called in sick all the time because of it, was anxious when I did show up because I figured people thought I was a mess too. I was unable to graduate at that time, and the department did not want to offer me a redo on account of how much of a mess I was. That was three years ago.
I wondered if it would be wise to go back to this very same department again, but it so happens to be the place I would like to work in the future. I figured I'm a different person now. More mature, more mentally stable, more sociable. On my application I was very honest about dropping out three years ago due to depression, and asked if they would welcome me back. The person that answered my application this time wasn't there the last time around, but told me it was no problem. And now, these last few days, I keep having recurring fears. What if the people who were there three years ago decide I'm still a hot mess? What if they remember me and decide I'm not worth their effort? What if I'm not actually as well as I thought? For the first time since I finished CBT last year, I find myself repeating the exercise they taught me.
These thoughts are not helpful. I have no reason to believe these thoughts.
I have been doing extremely well this year. I am a good doctor. People like me as a person.
I know all of this to be true. Now I'll just repeat it to myself until I feel it too. And then just take the plunge tomorrow. Because there's no reason not to.
One of the main reasons is that I've been at this department before, for the same type of internship, but crashed and burned at the time. I was a depressed mess, called in sick all the time because of it, was anxious when I did show up because I figured people thought I was a mess too. I was unable to graduate at that time, and the department did not want to offer me a redo on account of how much of a mess I was. That was three years ago.
I wondered if it would be wise to go back to this very same department again, but it so happens to be the place I would like to work in the future. I figured I'm a different person now. More mature, more mentally stable, more sociable. On my application I was very honest about dropping out three years ago due to depression, and asked if they would welcome me back. The person that answered my application this time wasn't there the last time around, but told me it was no problem. And now, these last few days, I keep having recurring fears. What if the people who were there three years ago decide I'm still a hot mess? What if they remember me and decide I'm not worth their effort? What if I'm not actually as well as I thought? For the first time since I finished CBT last year, I find myself repeating the exercise they taught me.
These thoughts are not helpful. I have no reason to believe these thoughts.
I have been doing extremely well this year. I am a good doctor. People like me as a person.
I know all of this to be true. Now I'll just repeat it to myself until I feel it too. And then just take the plunge tomorrow. Because there's no reason not to.
Time for another...