Well, it looks like I will be parting ways with my friends from my old church. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later, I just didn't know when or how. I knew I'd been living on borrowed time with them ever since I left to join the Unitarian-Universalists, so this new development comes as no surprise.
It's a complicated situation, compounded by mistakes and lack of tact on both sides but basically (as I see it is this): there is a person in this group who can be rather bigoted at times. A while back he made an extremely offensive statement about Muslims and I called him on it. I was the only one, and have been the only one. The others just accept him as he is, after all, he is old, and I must learn to accept this too. I should understand that despite the silence of the others that his statements don't reflect the values of the group. Well, when it comes to bigotry, I have a hard time looking the other way.
Not to mention this is not a good thing for their church to tolerate, especially if they are going to embark on a building program. And I said so. In looking back I think perhaps I might have phrased things differently and more tactfully, but I basically asked them to answer two questions, "Who is welcome here, and who is not welcome here?" All I wanted was to start a real discussion on a real subject.
It did not take long for the stinky stuff to hit the fan. I have my answer, and I am not surprised. Not at all. To make a long story short, apparently there was a discussion conducted behind my back and without my knowledge concerning my future with this group. I was notified by phone of the results. What followed was a series of very interesting conversations.
Yes, said the person who called me, I knew you would feel left out, and I feel guilty about it but-- Then followed an explanation using the words "everyone", "we", "us", conveniently forgetting that we weren't talking about "everyone." We were talking about "everyone minus one", which isn't everyone--or did "everyone" mean that the absent person (who had no idea that this conversation was even going on!) was no longer part of the group? "It sounds like you have already come to a decision," I said.
Oh, no, no, no, no. It is not like that at all. No. What they wanted was for me to come to the next meeting where they could tell me how hurt they were by what I had said. Why couldn't this have been done over the phone or by email? Well-- you see-- But you aren't being asked to leave. It's not an inquisition. We just want to do some conflict resolution here, patch things up.
But don't you see, going behind my back, having this discussion, knowing how I would feel about it, is not a matter of me feeling left out. It is actually being left out. Not accidentally. Not an oversight. Not an oops. I don't know how the "vote" went and I don't want to know. I now know the answer to the questions I asked. It seems they prefer to tolerate bigots for no behind the scenes discussion was ever held concerning him and his remarks, not that I know of.
So when I went to hear Mr. Walid speak on anti-Muslim prejudice, it was against the background of my own recent experience with bigotry and standing up alone against it. Oh, I know that they would say that that was not the reason my future was discussed behind my back, and that I haven't been (technically) asked to leave, but the message is clear. If I stay, I need to watch my step. I need to know my place. I can only imagine how the discussion would have gone had they known of my online activities. But they haven't brought "Spinning Compass" into the discussion so it's probably safe to say they don't frequent Aspies Central.
So I move on, a little saddened and regretful, but with a great sense of relief that I no longer have to put on a front. I know the tale of my betrayal (after all the love we've shown her!) will be told and retold for some time to come. I did not plan to end things this way, but I knew, as they did not, that it had to end.
It's a complicated situation, compounded by mistakes and lack of tact on both sides but basically (as I see it is this): there is a person in this group who can be rather bigoted at times. A while back he made an extremely offensive statement about Muslims and I called him on it. I was the only one, and have been the only one. The others just accept him as he is, after all, he is old, and I must learn to accept this too. I should understand that despite the silence of the others that his statements don't reflect the values of the group. Well, when it comes to bigotry, I have a hard time looking the other way.
Not to mention this is not a good thing for their church to tolerate, especially if they are going to embark on a building program. And I said so. In looking back I think perhaps I might have phrased things differently and more tactfully, but I basically asked them to answer two questions, "Who is welcome here, and who is not welcome here?" All I wanted was to start a real discussion on a real subject.
It did not take long for the stinky stuff to hit the fan. I have my answer, and I am not surprised. Not at all. To make a long story short, apparently there was a discussion conducted behind my back and without my knowledge concerning my future with this group. I was notified by phone of the results. What followed was a series of very interesting conversations.
Yes, said the person who called me, I knew you would feel left out, and I feel guilty about it but-- Then followed an explanation using the words "everyone", "we", "us", conveniently forgetting that we weren't talking about "everyone." We were talking about "everyone minus one", which isn't everyone--or did "everyone" mean that the absent person (who had no idea that this conversation was even going on!) was no longer part of the group? "It sounds like you have already come to a decision," I said.
Oh, no, no, no, no. It is not like that at all. No. What they wanted was for me to come to the next meeting where they could tell me how hurt they were by what I had said. Why couldn't this have been done over the phone or by email? Well-- you see-- But you aren't being asked to leave. It's not an inquisition. We just want to do some conflict resolution here, patch things up.
But don't you see, going behind my back, having this discussion, knowing how I would feel about it, is not a matter of me feeling left out. It is actually being left out. Not accidentally. Not an oversight. Not an oops. I don't know how the "vote" went and I don't want to know. I now know the answer to the questions I asked. It seems they prefer to tolerate bigots for no behind the scenes discussion was ever held concerning him and his remarks, not that I know of.
So when I went to hear Mr. Walid speak on anti-Muslim prejudice, it was against the background of my own recent experience with bigotry and standing up alone against it. Oh, I know that they would say that that was not the reason my future was discussed behind my back, and that I haven't been (technically) asked to leave, but the message is clear. If I stay, I need to watch my step. I need to know my place. I can only imagine how the discussion would have gone had they known of my online activities. But they haven't brought "Spinning Compass" into the discussion so it's probably safe to say they don't frequent Aspies Central.
So I move on, a little saddened and regretful, but with a great sense of relief that I no longer have to put on a front. I know the tale of my betrayal (after all the love we've shown her!) will be told and retold for some time to come. I did not plan to end things this way, but I knew, as they did not, that it had to end.
