When I was young, there was a poem my mother used to recite whenever I asked to do something that she did not feel like granting. It went like this: "Mother, may I go out to swim? Yes, my darling daughter. Hang your clothes on a hickory limb, but don't go near the water."
When it comes to "being myself", I am in much the same position as the girl in the poem. As long as I don't go near the water, I can swim to my heart's content. Ah, but how can you swim if you can't go in the water, you might ask? There's the problem!
Apparently, yesterday, I allowed myself to express some irritation with the way a project was going at work. I was told that everyone heard me, even those outside our immediate row of cubicles, and that I really needed to control my anger.
Anger? You have not seen anger! What you saw was irritation. Nevertheless, if you say that what you saw and heard was anger, then anger it was. My bad. I "broke character" as they say in theater. I'll try not to let that happen again.
This person that I had this conversation with, we were talking about having to be "Vulcans" when she let go with this one. I told her I've had a lifetime of learning to be a Vulcan. The scary thing is, some days I think I'll actually achieve that goal. If I say to myself enough times "I must try harder. I must not get upset. I must not care. It does not matter," maybe some day it will happen. I feel it is already happening. I told her that I have learned that as long as I put on a mask and do and say what others want all goes well but whenever the old self arises (as it did) things do not go well. That's when she hit me with the "anger" thing. Apparently I can be myself--nobody is asking me not to--but I do need to control my temper.
I sat there in front of my computer and eventually decided not to reply, because there was no use in replying. There was no use in saying that "it annoys/irritates/angers/I dislike it when people define my emotions for me." Because that would fall right into the trap. I can swim all I want, just don't go near the water. Just don't express negative emotions. Don't even look at the water, because the next thing you know, you will be accused of breaking the rule about going near. No, these are emotions I must keep under lock and key. As long as I do that, I am being myself, even though the ironic thing, is that the "self" you see is entirely the creation of others. This forum is about the only place where I can truly say what I think, and I can only do so because I am someone else here. "Spinning Compass" does not exist except in cyberspace.
I read a book recently, "Odd Girl Out" about girl-girl bullying and why it is so hard to detect. The author said it is because our culture demands that females be nice, that they suppress their anger, their irritation, their annoyance. That is why women have such a reputation for backstabbing. Because they can't be direct like males. When I think about my experiences in the world, it makes sense. By being angry I was poaching on a male prerogative. And women are the harshest enforcers when it comes to keeping our own gender in line. I am a female and on the spectrum, so direct expression of negative feelings is doubly off-limits. I did not realize this for a long time, but I do now.
So--if there are any male-to-female transgender people reading this, one of the things you will have to learn to fit in as your new identity as a woman, is to suppress any temper that you might have expressed freely as a male. That is one of the things you will have to give up.
When it comes to "being myself", I am in much the same position as the girl in the poem. As long as I don't go near the water, I can swim to my heart's content. Ah, but how can you swim if you can't go in the water, you might ask? There's the problem!
Apparently, yesterday, I allowed myself to express some irritation with the way a project was going at work. I was told that everyone heard me, even those outside our immediate row of cubicles, and that I really needed to control my anger.
Anger? You have not seen anger! What you saw was irritation. Nevertheless, if you say that what you saw and heard was anger, then anger it was. My bad. I "broke character" as they say in theater. I'll try not to let that happen again.
This person that I had this conversation with, we were talking about having to be "Vulcans" when she let go with this one. I told her I've had a lifetime of learning to be a Vulcan. The scary thing is, some days I think I'll actually achieve that goal. If I say to myself enough times "I must try harder. I must not get upset. I must not care. It does not matter," maybe some day it will happen. I feel it is already happening. I told her that I have learned that as long as I put on a mask and do and say what others want all goes well but whenever the old self arises (as it did) things do not go well. That's when she hit me with the "anger" thing. Apparently I can be myself--nobody is asking me not to--but I do need to control my temper.
I sat there in front of my computer and eventually decided not to reply, because there was no use in replying. There was no use in saying that "it annoys/irritates/angers/I dislike it when people define my emotions for me." Because that would fall right into the trap. I can swim all I want, just don't go near the water. Just don't express negative emotions. Don't even look at the water, because the next thing you know, you will be accused of breaking the rule about going near. No, these are emotions I must keep under lock and key. As long as I do that, I am being myself, even though the ironic thing, is that the "self" you see is entirely the creation of others. This forum is about the only place where I can truly say what I think, and I can only do so because I am someone else here. "Spinning Compass" does not exist except in cyberspace.
I read a book recently, "Odd Girl Out" about girl-girl bullying and why it is so hard to detect. The author said it is because our culture demands that females be nice, that they suppress their anger, their irritation, their annoyance. That is why women have such a reputation for backstabbing. Because they can't be direct like males. When I think about my experiences in the world, it makes sense. By being angry I was poaching on a male prerogative. And women are the harshest enforcers when it comes to keeping our own gender in line. I am a female and on the spectrum, so direct expression of negative feelings is doubly off-limits. I did not realize this for a long time, but I do now.
So--if there are any male-to-female transgender people reading this, one of the things you will have to learn to fit in as your new identity as a woman, is to suppress any temper that you might have expressed freely as a male. That is one of the things you will have to give up.
