Previously, since my Asperger husband sacrificed his research career to move to my developing country (where nobody here doing his particular field of research; but there are teams doing this in his developed country, he supposed to join the team, but he sacrificed it to move here.. so sad), he said he wanted to go back to work in his country. Previously. If he wants to, he should apply by this month.
He was not happy with the state of that research field here, feels so empty and no motivation to do any other work. Research can be done with anybody anywhere, but the problem is, everybody wants the other party to do something related with their own research. People here are open for collaboration, but mostly the crucial research parts are left to the students to be done; they themselves don't really do the research actually. My husband hates that; previously he worked with research scientists who really do the research and it's advanced research; students can't really produce the quality level that he sought for. And the main problem is, nobody here even know this particular research field, and he wants to do this field, and no motivation to do any other research with talk-only-but-don't-do-the-actual-research-work kind of people here.
Here, research only jobs are very scarce, and of course you need to do research that the higher-ups wants.. if you want to do your own research (although with limited time), you need to become at least an assistant professor. Then you have the access for grant applications, do research that you like, can build your own team, have students, etc.. much more freedom. But there will be less time to do research since you'll be busy with teaching, doing the admin work, committee work, slaving to the higher-ups, managing students, etc.. Not really what my husband wants. And need good English & communication skills. My husband liked to teach his juniors and schoolers before in his country. He always said if it's his country, he has motivation to teach, but he has zero motivation to teach in my country. He doesn't feel connected and doesn't feel that why he must teach in a country he feels no connection too.
Can you understand how hard it is to solve this problem? Or you might think it's easy. But it's like a deadlock now. No suitable job in his particular research field, and he doesn't want to do other research/teaching job (he did try before, still not much motivation).
Maybe the need to communicate in English makes him feel uncomfortable. He didn't stutter in his country, but now after months or a year or more after moving here, he started to stutter. It makes his low self-esteem (because of nobody can appreciate his skills here) becomes lower. He fought with his stuttering by practicing reciting daily for hours. Besides English, there are two other languages he needs to use to live by in this country.
Can you imagine how hard it is for him? Cannot even use his best skills here since no opportunity here (unless you create your own opportunity - but that'll be hard without self-esteem and communication skills/willingness), and being in a place which is not his effective field at all.
That's why he said he wanted to go back to work in his country. However, last week(s), he said when he think about it, he felt afraid/anxious and decided not to go. I was surprised. It's good that he doesn't go - our will-be-born baby & I would feel much better since if he goes, I cant go immediately (i'm bound by my decade work bond) and that he can practice our way of life and religious much freely here compared to there, but I'm always worry about his satisfaction in work and life.
Work, as I mentioned in previous paragraphs. Life, I think his country is much more suitable for aspies than here. Here, you need to communicate more and be more like NTs, compared to his country. And his country is his field. He likes to walk and everything is in walking distance. There are trains everywhere. He can just use his mother-tongue language, no stuttering. The best is, he can work with like-minded research people there.
But when I asked him again about why he didn't want to go, he got angry. "Why you want me to go there?? I said I didn't want to go!!" he said. "If I go, I'll only be lonely. No family, nobody," he continued. Then I said, "Even if i'll move there too?" "I don't like that," he said. I'm not sure. Seems like he doesn't like the idea being with me there. Or actually he knew from experience that I always be dilly-dallying and making excuses regarding of my work-bond on why I cant move there. We argued about this for years already, even have long distance marriage for almost 5 years during our 20's (can you imagine how wasted it is), and that's why he decided to sacrifice his everything to move here about a year & half ago.
Stupid me, I couldn't understand why he said his research career will be over when he moves here. I thought research/studies can be done anywhere. That's not always the case.
This problem is also called as two-body problem in academia. Where two married academicians/researchers face problems in finding a place/city where they both can work in their respective fields.
I feel really guilty because I actually don't want him to sacrifice his career, since I know how good he is in his field. I feel so sad. If anyone need to let go of academia/research, it should be me. Since I just 'accidentally' got here. But I don't want to live in debt too - if I quit this more than one-decade scholarship bond, I need to pay it back. And I'm not confident I can find work in his country. And what if he leaves me in the future? He doesn't care much about financial management, and he would want to divorce me in many times we argued in the past, that's why I find it hard to break the bond. But I actually want to, and just go live with him there.
But i'm not confident in myself, not only in finding work there (it's really difficult), but also I have not much skills in being a wife actually. I feel really grateful that he accepts me and doesn't poke on my flaws (except when we argue). If it's other man, the man would not want to marry me. However, my husband accepts his life with me, even with how poor our marriage condition is. I don't cook now because my cooking always taste bland, so we always eat outside. I don't do much housework/cleaning.. I don't know why but the place I live always gets messy. Even so, he doesn't care much. But when he feels overwhelmed, he feels sad living in this kind of condition.
I have many things I need to improve, not only in marriage, but in my work too. I feel like I cant do them all. My pace is very slow. I always dreamt that if only I didn't sign the bond, we'll be living happily in his country. But is it really so?
Everything that happens has meaning. During the long-distance marriage, although there are something that we really want to forget, but because of that also, there are something we gain too. He started to pray by himself. Before that, no matter how many times I urge him to pray, he wont. But he always get lonely and became insomniac. After he moved here, he managed to change his addictive medication to less-addictive ones. He also manage to practice our religious way of life much more freely here, and eat permissible food. He also managed to start to learn different languages.
Although I'm really concerned since he's like unemployed now, and that here, you can only be a postdoctoral fellow until maximum 5 years after you get a PhD (what a asdfghjkl rule.. what about people who cant or don't want to be a lecturer?),.. I'm really worried.. but everything have meaning, right..?
Since it's him who decided that he doesn't want to go back to his country, I hope he'll live much better and more content here.. I hope his career can be saved here.. I'm really concerned, since aspies have restricted interests, at least my husband is so. Hope he find motivation and interest in other related research field too, or other jobs, or life.. hope he'll manage to build his own lab and team.. it has been his dream.. it's really sad to see him giving up because of the difficulties of an aspie living in a foreign land..
God, please help us. Ease our worries. I'm sorry that I don't focus much in my prayers. I know only God can help us besides what we can do with our limited resources and effort. I should focus more and rely more on God while doing what I can, even how slow I am.. I am lazy to put an effort.. maybe that's why I feel ashamed to pray.. but I should start. Only in remembering God, can a heart be at ease.
He was not happy with the state of that research field here, feels so empty and no motivation to do any other work. Research can be done with anybody anywhere, but the problem is, everybody wants the other party to do something related with their own research. People here are open for collaboration, but mostly the crucial research parts are left to the students to be done; they themselves don't really do the research actually. My husband hates that; previously he worked with research scientists who really do the research and it's advanced research; students can't really produce the quality level that he sought for. And the main problem is, nobody here even know this particular research field, and he wants to do this field, and no motivation to do any other research with talk-only-but-don't-do-the-actual-research-work kind of people here.
Here, research only jobs are very scarce, and of course you need to do research that the higher-ups wants.. if you want to do your own research (although with limited time), you need to become at least an assistant professor. Then you have the access for grant applications, do research that you like, can build your own team, have students, etc.. much more freedom. But there will be less time to do research since you'll be busy with teaching, doing the admin work, committee work, slaving to the higher-ups, managing students, etc.. Not really what my husband wants. And need good English & communication skills. My husband liked to teach his juniors and schoolers before in his country. He always said if it's his country, he has motivation to teach, but he has zero motivation to teach in my country. He doesn't feel connected and doesn't feel that why he must teach in a country he feels no connection too.
Can you understand how hard it is to solve this problem? Or you might think it's easy. But it's like a deadlock now. No suitable job in his particular research field, and he doesn't want to do other research/teaching job (he did try before, still not much motivation).
Maybe the need to communicate in English makes him feel uncomfortable. He didn't stutter in his country, but now after months or a year or more after moving here, he started to stutter. It makes his low self-esteem (because of nobody can appreciate his skills here) becomes lower. He fought with his stuttering by practicing reciting daily for hours. Besides English, there are two other languages he needs to use to live by in this country.
Can you imagine how hard it is for him? Cannot even use his best skills here since no opportunity here (unless you create your own opportunity - but that'll be hard without self-esteem and communication skills/willingness), and being in a place which is not his effective field at all.
That's why he said he wanted to go back to work in his country. However, last week(s), he said when he think about it, he felt afraid/anxious and decided not to go. I was surprised. It's good that he doesn't go - our will-be-born baby & I would feel much better since if he goes, I cant go immediately (i'm bound by my decade work bond) and that he can practice our way of life and religious much freely here compared to there, but I'm always worry about his satisfaction in work and life.
Work, as I mentioned in previous paragraphs. Life, I think his country is much more suitable for aspies than here. Here, you need to communicate more and be more like NTs, compared to his country. And his country is his field. He likes to walk and everything is in walking distance. There are trains everywhere. He can just use his mother-tongue language, no stuttering. The best is, he can work with like-minded research people there.
But when I asked him again about why he didn't want to go, he got angry. "Why you want me to go there?? I said I didn't want to go!!" he said. "If I go, I'll only be lonely. No family, nobody," he continued. Then I said, "Even if i'll move there too?" "I don't like that," he said. I'm not sure. Seems like he doesn't like the idea being with me there. Or actually he knew from experience that I always be dilly-dallying and making excuses regarding of my work-bond on why I cant move there. We argued about this for years already, even have long distance marriage for almost 5 years during our 20's (can you imagine how wasted it is), and that's why he decided to sacrifice his everything to move here about a year & half ago.
Stupid me, I couldn't understand why he said his research career will be over when he moves here. I thought research/studies can be done anywhere. That's not always the case.
This problem is also called as two-body problem in academia. Where two married academicians/researchers face problems in finding a place/city where they both can work in their respective fields.
I feel really guilty because I actually don't want him to sacrifice his career, since I know how good he is in his field. I feel so sad. If anyone need to let go of academia/research, it should be me. Since I just 'accidentally' got here. But I don't want to live in debt too - if I quit this more than one-decade scholarship bond, I need to pay it back. And I'm not confident I can find work in his country. And what if he leaves me in the future? He doesn't care much about financial management, and he would want to divorce me in many times we argued in the past, that's why I find it hard to break the bond. But I actually want to, and just go live with him there.
But i'm not confident in myself, not only in finding work there (it's really difficult), but also I have not much skills in being a wife actually. I feel really grateful that he accepts me and doesn't poke on my flaws (except when we argue). If it's other man, the man would not want to marry me. However, my husband accepts his life with me, even with how poor our marriage condition is. I don't cook now because my cooking always taste bland, so we always eat outside. I don't do much housework/cleaning.. I don't know why but the place I live always gets messy. Even so, he doesn't care much. But when he feels overwhelmed, he feels sad living in this kind of condition.
I have many things I need to improve, not only in marriage, but in my work too. I feel like I cant do them all. My pace is very slow. I always dreamt that if only I didn't sign the bond, we'll be living happily in his country. But is it really so?
Everything that happens has meaning. During the long-distance marriage, although there are something that we really want to forget, but because of that also, there are something we gain too. He started to pray by himself. Before that, no matter how many times I urge him to pray, he wont. But he always get lonely and became insomniac. After he moved here, he managed to change his addictive medication to less-addictive ones. He also manage to practice our religious way of life much more freely here, and eat permissible food. He also managed to start to learn different languages.
Although I'm really concerned since he's like unemployed now, and that here, you can only be a postdoctoral fellow until maximum 5 years after you get a PhD (what a asdfghjkl rule.. what about people who cant or don't want to be a lecturer?),.. I'm really worried.. but everything have meaning, right..?
Since it's him who decided that he doesn't want to go back to his country, I hope he'll live much better and more content here.. I hope his career can be saved here.. I'm really concerned, since aspies have restricted interests, at least my husband is so. Hope he find motivation and interest in other related research field too, or other jobs, or life.. hope he'll manage to build his own lab and team.. it has been his dream.. it's really sad to see him giving up because of the difficulties of an aspie living in a foreign land..
God, please help us. Ease our worries. I'm sorry that I don't focus much in my prayers. I know only God can help us besides what we can do with our limited resources and effort. I should focus more and rely more on God while doing what I can, even how slow I am.. I am lazy to put an effort.. maybe that's why I feel ashamed to pray.. but I should start. Only in remembering God, can a heart be at ease.
