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Blog entries by Xinyta
I am facing emotions I haven't faced since childhood. Feeling a great distress and sadness about my own fears being more than me as a person. Calling it conditioning, is just addressing it at a surface level.
This is full blown emotional brokeness. I shut myself off emotionally and mentally...
Lately. I have been working on figuring myself out. It's a two fold mission.
First. I need to discover and clarify why I have stuck myself mentally, like I have. Which I have been doing. Picking apart my own actions and behaviors in my darker periods. As well as picking apart what I've done, or...
I am without many words lately. Confused once more about how to continue. I have answers to my own behaviors. Yet I am lost to what is next.
I can focus. Yet I still have issues with it, which remains to confuse me. I know, yet the desire to try isn't always there. Making me question why? Why...
I feel my mindset is now on a far better path, than it was. Things do not stress me like they use to. The fears, delusions, hallucinations, and paranoia are about fully gone.
Though I think what helped spur this extra push on my journey, is the fact that I put an extra effort into limiting...
I have thought I can be rational, and I find I can be alot. But maybe late nights don't help. I feel a sense of wanting to be agressive or passive agressive in posts when I feel like my posts are being ripped apart.
Though the reality is that perception is a lie. No one is really doing that...
I am obsessed with what I am doing wrong and that I am a endless failure, when I surcome to my delusions and general negativity. Doubts set in. I start wanting to sit and ruminate on everything I am doing wrong. Even mistakes, or not paying attention will just be added on.
I beat on myself so...
The title kinda sounds like the start to some self-aware joke. I wish I could say that it is... it's not.
I have been looking at behavior patterns with myself. The things I do and how I behave in the worst moments. It all wreaks of attention seeking. But like, juvenile attention seeking. All...
I think I am stuck on mental auto-pilot as far as trying to live. The auto-pilot is survival or maybe, more specifically, existing. No matter if I am in a bad situation or not, I treat it as a bad situation by default. And just go through my habitual motions. Ignoring reality and life.
I am now...
I had a not so great day today. I froze up, stared into space, and just shut off. Even though there was a task to do today. A few of them in fact.
Fix the disk fixture that holds the lightbulb, in the garage.
Help with trimming the bushes and cleaning up.
I did neither. I shut off and shut...
I know I have always talked like humanity is something to be apart of. Yet I have days where I question that notion. Question if I truly belong.
Do I even belong on this forum?
Do I belong anywhere?
I feel like the only place I belong, is in my own darkness. Hidden from the world and living...
You know. I always mention how there are clues in our wording, when we are down on ourselves. Yet, I have never applied it to myself. I know I'll not figure it about by stewing on it, yet I internalize it anyway.
I feel I must look at all I've written down and see if there are patterns I can...
I have started looking into the idea of a dual layered system. Masking and a psychological defense bubble. Entities on thier own serving thier psychological purposes for different things. It's a work in progress, but I have dubbed this idea the 'Super Sheild Theory'.
I will most likely have...
I see my folly.
I am afraid of the truth. I am afraid to face myself. I have never in my life have ever let go of anything. I have blamed this. I have blamed that. But I have largely blamed myself for things that I have no control over. Blamed myself for things that never existed. Blamed myself...
This is a thing I need to admit to myself. No matter how much I despised her, I still took on her traits.
I took on:
- Being Pessimistic
- Despising everyone and everything
- Being overall negative about everything
- Blaming everyone but myself
- Being Selfish
- Panicing over simple things that...
I do only remember bits and pieces of what happened. My dad found the woman who would be my stepmother. She came over to see me at my grandparent's house for Christmas. Alot of my dad's family and relatives were there. I probably was 6 going on 7 years old. My stepmother put up a good act...
I don't remember my birth, like many. Though I lack alot of memory in the few years after that. Most of this account in my earliest years was told to me by relatives on my Dad's side of the family. This is in hopes of keeping a record for myself too.
From what I know, I was born in Alton...
Hate. No one has any idea how strong of an emotion it is. No one thinks about the pain that is caused to create such feelings towards others, let alone towards the self. Experience is a teacher in this way.
For someone, like myself, with ASD. This is a world too real to properly describe. To...
This is the story of how my life happened and how it affected me. Alot of my early years was from what I was told by relatives, more than my own memories. But it is important all the same.
THIS ISN'T A PROFESSIONAL NOVEL. Just me putting down my experiences. Hopefully it'll be some help to...
I've found today, that my mind's negative nature is far more insidious than I gave it credit for. Well played kid me. Well played.
What it is, is that my mind constantly looks for something by default to distract me from reality. Since I started limiting my phone, my mental state is now trying...
This was oddly a late night thought process last night. Thinking about what it would be like to be a nudist. And if I'd possibly enjoy it. Though I was mildy tipsy and pretty tired from from 3 beers, so that may of influenced it a bit.
Though let's get the less safe for work thing out of the...