Unfortunately, this mental state of mine has come at a cost. I sit here trying to explain what happened, as if there was some clean transition from were I am writing now, to what I want to talk about. So, like a politician, I am going to beat around the bus and wait for a good opportunity. The mental state I am in right now, the feeling of motivation, wanting to get stuff done, wanting the day to start so I can have another adventure. is my happiness a consequence of the pain I feel. what is euphoria without agony? what is happiness without sadness? there cannot be one extreme without another. The poop parts of life, they serve to elevate my highs when I climb back on top of the world. huh, that is a nice thought.a purpose for pain.
I think about two days ago, the emotions are still fresh. I have not relegated much thought as to why it happened except for the basics. I was supposed to do that before falling asleep, but now I am 7 hours late, and still awake. Much to think about. My whole world got flipped upside down, but out of that, I finally got an answer. Suicide is not emotionally appealing. well of course it isn't one might say. Not including this one, the last time I oded, I fell asleep in pure euphoria over thinking it was all over. This time, no. This time I was right. This time I know I am right that I don't want to die. I was on the chat when I did it. just watching the messages role in. Don't remember what they were talking about. After I did it, it wasn't a wave of euphoria from a tortured kid at the end of his life. it was just numbness. I wasn't regretting it, but I was scared, and depressed.
I once thought it would be a happy ending. That I can take pleasure just from the fact it was the end, but no. Parents came downstairs, saw the hole in the wall and thought I did it last night. barley could talk, went to the hospital, established, waited, waited, waited, until the doctor finally showed up then discharged. damn, and the thing I think when I wrote that is 'the usual'
I am emotional right now, it brings me to tears just to write about this. These emotions are still white hot. If I give them an inch, they will take a big ass mile. This is me. this sadness and clawing for the easiest way out, it is me. And I am okay feeling sad about this. I am okay with the emotions. They are a part of life. We see life through the lens of our emotions. Do you know what else does that. Weed. I took a second after finish that last paragraph to calm myself. I just sat there, eyes closed, just feeling the emotion. It comparable to feeling high. it wasn't pain anymore, my mind did not claw for an escape from it.
I started thinking after writing that. I thought 'well that is all and good, lets see you pull that off while under stress at work with managers screening at you. The doctors just say except reality. Maybe instead, I should just not give a **** about what most people are yelling about. realise how pointless it is. Laugh (not out loud, not again) at the pointlessness. Okay, I admit that sounds a bit crazy, but there is a hint of truth in there.
Guys, I am feeling hopeful. I forget to realize how well supported I am when I take my head out of my narcissistic ass. If there is going to be a time to put humpty dumpty back together again, I am gluing and duct-taping all the **** back on that doesn't fit.
