I burst into tears this evening, several times. I have no actual reason to cry, if thinking logically. I dont have any serious illness, or serious financial issues, or lose a job or a loved ones or anything.
I think maybe I have a burnout.
But the reason for the burnout is so stupid: my inefficiency in doing my job. If other people are given the same task, they will do it more efficiently.
I am just being lucky getting this job - this is true, not impostor syndrome. I'm not qualified, yet God gave me this chance. I feel like I'm failing miserably since before. Maybe I'm better than before, but I'm still below the qualification of this job.
I'm tired of catching up.
I need to study so many things from scratch. I feel like what I have done previously have no use at all, other than just 'useless experience'. Well everything has meaning, but still. I'm tired of catching up, while other colleagues already built those skills up way way before. I'm the impostor - it's only time that I'm being busted. Or maybe my colleagues actually know that I'm not what I'm supposed to be in this job.
So last week I've been doing so much more than previous weeks. In my own way.
However, a colleague said to me after a conversation: ".. no wonder you looks so relaxed, not busy."
In my heart, I wanted to yell, "What??? This is the week where I work the hardest than before.. " I worked alone in my office and home, with some help and guidance from my skillful spouse. I always say "Ok, whatever time you're okay with" when the colleague asks for meeting. Maybe I look 'relaxed' because I was accommodating her time?
My spouse also said, "You're tired? When you actually do nothing?" Well, at that time, I was lying down surfing net on my phone for hours, because I'm tired, mentally and spiritually. My eyes also.
They think I didnt do any job. Actually they're right. I didnt achieve anything much even though I worked so tiredly like this. Because of inefficiency of how I execute the task. Because of how I feel that even a simple task takes so much energy from me to be done. Because of how I worry about little details that actually dont need to be worried about, just need to be executed lightly.
I think I'm failing miserably in my responsibilities in many aspects.
A great person whom I've had the chance to listen to his talk to, said that work/life balance is a myth; there's always a trade-off. I think that's true too. I've been focusing in this one task, and I feel my health has deteriorated (not sure how to explain), I didnt do much housework, I didnt also do my other main task at my job although I've been worrying about other task in the background in my mind - so tiring! I didnt do great job at being a partner, a spouse, a family member too. I didnt even go to celebrate my sibling's birthday when I said I want to go. My spouse wanted to go too.
I have disappointed them, over and over.
I dont know if I'm autistic, or ADHD, or just merely inefficient or stupid. But what good knowing about that? It will not change anything - I'm still struggling to cope with all these responsibilities. I do know or feel I know what I should do - but I couldnt execute them - I dont know how to explain this. It might be easy for other people, but so hard for me.
Maybe I'm just tired. Wish I could log out of this life to rest for some time.
Oh, I dont mean that I want to die. Not at all.
Nor that I mean I want all these responsibilities to disappear.
I just wish I had more energy - spiritually, mentally, physically - and the skills (and time, passion, etc) to cope (more than cope) with all these responsibilities.
I thank my spouse, my family, my colleagues, my friends, people who helped us, my relatives, you, etc, and last but not least, our God, for being patient with me. Thank you.
I think maybe I have a burnout.
But the reason for the burnout is so stupid: my inefficiency in doing my job. If other people are given the same task, they will do it more efficiently.
I am just being lucky getting this job - this is true, not impostor syndrome. I'm not qualified, yet God gave me this chance. I feel like I'm failing miserably since before. Maybe I'm better than before, but I'm still below the qualification of this job.
I'm tired of catching up.
I need to study so many things from scratch. I feel like what I have done previously have no use at all, other than just 'useless experience'. Well everything has meaning, but still. I'm tired of catching up, while other colleagues already built those skills up way way before. I'm the impostor - it's only time that I'm being busted. Or maybe my colleagues actually know that I'm not what I'm supposed to be in this job.
So last week I've been doing so much more than previous weeks. In my own way.
However, a colleague said to me after a conversation: ".. no wonder you looks so relaxed, not busy."
In my heart, I wanted to yell, "What??? This is the week where I work the hardest than before.. " I worked alone in my office and home, with some help and guidance from my skillful spouse. I always say "Ok, whatever time you're okay with" when the colleague asks for meeting. Maybe I look 'relaxed' because I was accommodating her time?
My spouse also said, "You're tired? When you actually do nothing?" Well, at that time, I was lying down surfing net on my phone for hours, because I'm tired, mentally and spiritually. My eyes also.
They think I didnt do any job. Actually they're right. I didnt achieve anything much even though I worked so tiredly like this. Because of inefficiency of how I execute the task. Because of how I feel that even a simple task takes so much energy from me to be done. Because of how I worry about little details that actually dont need to be worried about, just need to be executed lightly.
I think I'm failing miserably in my responsibilities in many aspects.
A great person whom I've had the chance to listen to his talk to, said that work/life balance is a myth; there's always a trade-off. I think that's true too. I've been focusing in this one task, and I feel my health has deteriorated (not sure how to explain), I didnt do much housework, I didnt also do my other main task at my job although I've been worrying about other task in the background in my mind - so tiring! I didnt do great job at being a partner, a spouse, a family member too. I didnt even go to celebrate my sibling's birthday when I said I want to go. My spouse wanted to go too.
I have disappointed them, over and over.
I dont know if I'm autistic, or ADHD, or just merely inefficient or stupid. But what good knowing about that? It will not change anything - I'm still struggling to cope with all these responsibilities. I do know or feel I know what I should do - but I couldnt execute them - I dont know how to explain this. It might be easy for other people, but so hard for me.
Maybe I'm just tired. Wish I could log out of this life to rest for some time.
Oh, I dont mean that I want to die. Not at all.
Nor that I mean I want all these responsibilities to disappear.
I just wish I had more energy - spiritually, mentally, physically - and the skills (and time, passion, etc) to cope (more than cope) with all these responsibilities.
I thank my spouse, my family, my colleagues, my friends, people who helped us, my relatives, you, etc, and last but not least, our God, for being patient with me. Thank you.
