For once, I really don't have anything I want for Christmas. Christmas as a child was always a household affair with just me, my parents, siblings, and pets. I only remember spending a single holiday with the extended family a few states over and it was when I was really little. Mom and dad save up all year so they can get us good presents, but for once I really don't want anything. I already bought myself whatever I've wanted throughout the year - new bedding, the new pokemon games, and a winter hat. I'm sure my little sister has a really expensive list of presents she wants, she always does. But I can't think of anything. I don't need a tv for my room even if they're on sale for black Friday cause the game room has one. Idk how i'd fit it in my room anyways.
All I really want is good quality family time. Christmas is a bad time of year for me because when I nearly got kicked out without so much as a drivers license a few years ago, that was not but a week after Christmas. I remember spending that entire holiday season before and after worrying about the inevitable confrontation, trying to delay it so I could have a good Christmas. I just want a fire going, some hot chocolate, a family meal, Christmas décor 'exploded' all over the house cause its mom's favorite holiday. Being included while at the table would be nice. If I speak people tend to just ignore the fact I spoke so I eventually just stopped talking.
This whole dilemma really drives home a fear I've had for a long while - the fear that despite mom's religious, political, and personal beliefs, she would have been much better off if she'd aborted me or given me up. Then she could have finished school, married a man she loves more than dad (she hates him, but he's not all that bad I think), had the opportunity to get a real job. I feel like even then she'd have found something to gripe and complain about cause that's just who she is, but she would have at least had the opportunity. I feel like maybe she doesn't admit it to herself but that my birth totally ruined her life. All she does when talking about her own life in general is complain so I feel like she isn't happy with life and where she is. If I could get a do-over on life for Christmas that'd be great but those don't exist. I just want to feel worthwhile and valuable.
A memory haunted me for a bit last night. Not even sure why. But for a long time I've had a memory of mom flipping out on me when I was little. Probably like 3 or 4 back during the time of VHS tapes. Like any kid I've had experience with, as a toddler/preschooler I would get out all the tapes and make a mess of them all over the floor. Whether it was organized or a pile I don't know, don't remember that detail. It was a pile when mom was looking through them. I must've been looking for a specific tape to watch, because apparently I got mom to help me look for it and she came to help but got real mad real quick as always. I remember her movements were furious, angry, almost violent looking through the cases and yelling at me quite loudly. About how I put tapes back in the wrong cases or something to that effect, how if I just did it right this wouldn't happen. I don't know what scared me, but something scared me away from my spot by her side - maybe she flung a tape and it hit my knee or something I honestly don't remember. But my clearest memory of the whole event is of when I was sitting all the way across the room in the rocking chair, huddled there fearful, listening to her screaming at me going through the tapes, until finally she threw one of them across the room at me. I don't know that it actually hit me, I just remember it was flung in my direction but whether it became airborne or just skidded across the floor I don't remember. She later apologized but that's how she is, always has been - angry in the moment and means it wholeheartedly but no amount of 'i'm sorry' ever does anything. She must not really mean them. Must be saying them for a more self centered reason not because she genuinely regrets her actions. I'm sure if I reminded her of it now she would insist she never did it cause that's how she is with memories that don't paint her in a good light. Always.
All I really want is good quality family time. Christmas is a bad time of year for me because when I nearly got kicked out without so much as a drivers license a few years ago, that was not but a week after Christmas. I remember spending that entire holiday season before and after worrying about the inevitable confrontation, trying to delay it so I could have a good Christmas. I just want a fire going, some hot chocolate, a family meal, Christmas décor 'exploded' all over the house cause its mom's favorite holiday. Being included while at the table would be nice. If I speak people tend to just ignore the fact I spoke so I eventually just stopped talking.
This whole dilemma really drives home a fear I've had for a long while - the fear that despite mom's religious, political, and personal beliefs, she would have been much better off if she'd aborted me or given me up. Then she could have finished school, married a man she loves more than dad (she hates him, but he's not all that bad I think), had the opportunity to get a real job. I feel like even then she'd have found something to gripe and complain about cause that's just who she is, but she would have at least had the opportunity. I feel like maybe she doesn't admit it to herself but that my birth totally ruined her life. All she does when talking about her own life in general is complain so I feel like she isn't happy with life and where she is. If I could get a do-over on life for Christmas that'd be great but those don't exist. I just want to feel worthwhile and valuable.
A memory haunted me for a bit last night. Not even sure why. But for a long time I've had a memory of mom flipping out on me when I was little. Probably like 3 or 4 back during the time of VHS tapes. Like any kid I've had experience with, as a toddler/preschooler I would get out all the tapes and make a mess of them all over the floor. Whether it was organized or a pile I don't know, don't remember that detail. It was a pile when mom was looking through them. I must've been looking for a specific tape to watch, because apparently I got mom to help me look for it and she came to help but got real mad real quick as always. I remember her movements were furious, angry, almost violent looking through the cases and yelling at me quite loudly. About how I put tapes back in the wrong cases or something to that effect, how if I just did it right this wouldn't happen. I don't know what scared me, but something scared me away from my spot by her side - maybe she flung a tape and it hit my knee or something I honestly don't remember. But my clearest memory of the whole event is of when I was sitting all the way across the room in the rocking chair, huddled there fearful, listening to her screaming at me going through the tapes, until finally she threw one of them across the room at me. I don't know that it actually hit me, I just remember it was flung in my direction but whether it became airborne or just skidded across the floor I don't remember. She later apologized but that's how she is, always has been - angry in the moment and means it wholeheartedly but no amount of 'i'm sorry' ever does anything. She must not really mean them. Must be saying them for a more self centered reason not because she genuinely regrets her actions. I'm sure if I reminded her of it now she would insist she never did it cause that's how she is with memories that don't paint her in a good light. Always.
