Much like many others on the spectrum, I?ve tried to self-medicate. Not self-medicate for autism as such, since we all know there is no such thing. I did however look into the options if I could fight off depression for the time being.
Depression has been a thing on and off for me due to a variety of reasons, and I?m quite sure that the least of those reasons is in fact that it?s of a clinical nature. I'm not depressed 24/7. I have my up and down moods. And for a part I can keep it stable enough to not warrant full on depression with self-harm and all that. I can still laugh about things. It's not all doom and gloom for me. But compared to some people I might still live a good life, but meh? I can still call my life dull, ******, uninteresting, and boring. I have a rough idea of what I need to make it more interesting. It just happens those things are not what society is about.
So, self-medication. I?ve tried a variety of things. Alcohol, drugs, porn? and those are in fact the most common ones. I could go in detail about what kind of drugs, or what kind of adult material, but that?s irrelevant.
The concern for me however lies therein, that even if I want to. I.CAN.NOT.MAKE.AN.ADDICTION.STICK!
Is that good? well, yes supposedly so. It makes me less prone to withdrawal of any kind. It also makes me a person who has a hard time finding a focus and salvation in something when going through a rough patch.
On average it takes me 2 weeks until I reach this point of saturation and I?ve seen it all. That?s where I don?t care about it and I might need to seek out something new. My dopamine receptors are worn out and I need something new, something exciting. Emphasis on exciting. Perhaps I should try skydiving. Yet, after 2 jumps I?ll be like ?can I be an astronaut now?? And then what? This limit is easily stretched with me.
That being said, I?ve did drugs, a lot. I had my fair share of booze. And with the internet around, yes I?ve checked out pornography. And I didn?t just do the thing a lot, I did it pretty hardcore as well I guess. My drinking habits easily go from a six-pack today to 2 bottles of rum the next. At some point I?m quite sure I?m broke, since any habit is hard to keep up with limited finances. It also makes me think if, ironically enough, my body (and to some extent, my mind) does adapt to things way easier than my mind. But in no way am I stating that it?s healthy to drink loads.
On the other hand, to play the devil?s advocate, like I like to do on a daily basis, either I mess up my liver from all the alcohol or I mess up my liver and other organs by medication at some point. At least, with booze I?m having a blast? even if it?s short term. I doubt there?ll be long term fun to be had from either booze or meds. But then again, I heard nothing but horror stories about how awful people felt with medication. With my dear friend Jack I probably got more **** done than someone who was on a Lexapro diet.
But, here?s the thing that made me wonder why I?m totally not addiction prone in that sense.
I deal with on and off going depression for years, due to, like pointed out, a variety of circumstances. I actually believe that due to dopamine levels being low because of said feelings, they have a way harder time being stimulated and thus trigger a feeling of happiness through a reward system, which is the case in addictions.
Simply put; there is nothing that makes me happy enough to keep doing it compulsively.
This also makes me more weary about meds to fight said depression. Since that will mess with my dopamine receptors. The moment those go full on, who knows what addiction I end up with and spirals out of control. And then what? Rehab? Because a therapist, in a way, put me up with having an addiction in the first place? Back to square 1? Well, yes, that?s what the pharmaceutical industry wants. But clearly, not on my watch. I?m well aware of how this chemical process will get the upper hand and I will not let that slip by me and take control.
The downside of having this rather low motivation to take an interest in things. Or at least have a limited interest in things, is clearly there?s only a small amount of actual motivation to want to go somewhere in life.
I can totally understand someone being happy about certain things and those things are in the end things worth working and living for. But if you break it down, chemically speaking, it?s like ?addiction-lite?. It triggers happiness and triggers the craving and need for these factors to be present to keep you mentally stable on a daily basis. Good luck fighting that in therapy.
Depression has been a thing on and off for me due to a variety of reasons, and I?m quite sure that the least of those reasons is in fact that it?s of a clinical nature. I'm not depressed 24/7. I have my up and down moods. And for a part I can keep it stable enough to not warrant full on depression with self-harm and all that. I can still laugh about things. It's not all doom and gloom for me. But compared to some people I might still live a good life, but meh? I can still call my life dull, ******, uninteresting, and boring. I have a rough idea of what I need to make it more interesting. It just happens those things are not what society is about.
So, self-medication. I?ve tried a variety of things. Alcohol, drugs, porn? and those are in fact the most common ones. I could go in detail about what kind of drugs, or what kind of adult material, but that?s irrelevant.
The concern for me however lies therein, that even if I want to. I.CAN.NOT.MAKE.AN.ADDICTION.STICK!
Is that good? well, yes supposedly so. It makes me less prone to withdrawal of any kind. It also makes me a person who has a hard time finding a focus and salvation in something when going through a rough patch.
On average it takes me 2 weeks until I reach this point of saturation and I?ve seen it all. That?s where I don?t care about it and I might need to seek out something new. My dopamine receptors are worn out and I need something new, something exciting. Emphasis on exciting. Perhaps I should try skydiving. Yet, after 2 jumps I?ll be like ?can I be an astronaut now?? And then what? This limit is easily stretched with me.
That being said, I?ve did drugs, a lot. I had my fair share of booze. And with the internet around, yes I?ve checked out pornography. And I didn?t just do the thing a lot, I did it pretty hardcore as well I guess. My drinking habits easily go from a six-pack today to 2 bottles of rum the next. At some point I?m quite sure I?m broke, since any habit is hard to keep up with limited finances. It also makes me think if, ironically enough, my body (and to some extent, my mind) does adapt to things way easier than my mind. But in no way am I stating that it?s healthy to drink loads.
On the other hand, to play the devil?s advocate, like I like to do on a daily basis, either I mess up my liver from all the alcohol or I mess up my liver and other organs by medication at some point. At least, with booze I?m having a blast? even if it?s short term. I doubt there?ll be long term fun to be had from either booze or meds. But then again, I heard nothing but horror stories about how awful people felt with medication. With my dear friend Jack I probably got more **** done than someone who was on a Lexapro diet.
But, here?s the thing that made me wonder why I?m totally not addiction prone in that sense.
I deal with on and off going depression for years, due to, like pointed out, a variety of circumstances. I actually believe that due to dopamine levels being low because of said feelings, they have a way harder time being stimulated and thus trigger a feeling of happiness through a reward system, which is the case in addictions.
Simply put; there is nothing that makes me happy enough to keep doing it compulsively.
This also makes me more weary about meds to fight said depression. Since that will mess with my dopamine receptors. The moment those go full on, who knows what addiction I end up with and spirals out of control. And then what? Rehab? Because a therapist, in a way, put me up with having an addiction in the first place? Back to square 1? Well, yes, that?s what the pharmaceutical industry wants. But clearly, not on my watch. I?m well aware of how this chemical process will get the upper hand and I will not let that slip by me and take control.
The downside of having this rather low motivation to take an interest in things. Or at least have a limited interest in things, is clearly there?s only a small amount of actual motivation to want to go somewhere in life.
I can totally understand someone being happy about certain things and those things are in the end things worth working and living for. But if you break it down, chemically speaking, it?s like ?addiction-lite?. It triggers happiness and triggers the craving and need for these factors to be present to keep you mentally stable on a daily basis. Good luck fighting that in therapy.
