Just starting to get familiar with this site and I thought I'd try out writing a blog post! I've become so unfamiliar with writing about myself - I already write for a makeup and beauty blog which is very non-personal, factual and full of super-high-quality photos of lipsticks and hundreds of bits of pretty beauty products. I have a Tumblr page which acts as a 'mood board' for me, ie. photos of cute rabbits and pretty things - I did used to write personal posts, but had a few people I used to live with stalk me and harrass me in person because of it - not sure why, the world is full of confusing people. The only semi-personal internet space I have is Instagram which does feature a ton of photos from my daily life but doesn't truly reflect me. I'm sure people scroll through my Instagram thinking "who does this b---- think she is, eating Nando's and posting makeup swatches all over the place" so I decided to be a bit more personal on here in regard to living my life with AS.
Lately I've been thinking how much of a relief it is to know about my AS so I'm always aware of how it affects me - I believe 2013 was the year I learned far more about myself than in the rest of my life put together. I have always been perceived as 'weird', 'shy' or 'strange' by others and not knowing about AS for almost 22 years of my life made me think that I'd magically turn 'normal' overnight; that I'd wake up and my sensory issues would no longer affect me, I'd suddenly be able to make friends and that I'd spend every weekend going out to clubs and dancing and drinking like everyone else my age. Surprisingly, that didn't happen. I'd beat myself up about it, thinking "why can't you just be normal, why can't you just go drinking with everyone else, why do you have to make excuses to leave early, why do you have to be so frustratingly different?".
Upon meeting me I don't believe I seem that much different from any other 22-year-old student. I'm tall, I always smell good and take time to do my hair and makeup when I go out, I love clothes and bags and boots and wear a lot of clothes from Topshop. I'm tall and I have a few close friends, I love rabbits and going out shopping and hilarious TV shows. No one would believe me if I told them I had Asperger's until they'd spent a significant amount of time with me. I think the general public have a very distorted and misinformed idea of AS from the media and just because I'm not one thing or I look a certain way means I don't have it. This is why I'm finding it so difficult in knowing who it's 'safe' for me to tell, how others will react and if someone will be rude or patronising. They might say "but my auntie's sister's dad's cousin's mum's brother has Asperger's, and he does this, so obviously you do it too", and it's a big frustration to have to explain that everyone is different!
I think most girls only get diagnosed with Asperger's in their 20s or later on because they're so good at subconsciously covering it up and mimicking others that nothing seems to be the problem, but deep inside they're frustrated and angry with themselves and wondering what the problem is. The 20s is a point where you have to go about being independent, usually living away from home living with a group of strangers or working any kind of job. And everything probably goes horribly wrong, whether due to constant social exposure, lack of familiarity, not being able to carry out instructions, not being able to cope living in a house with someone else, and you wonder why. You were probably labelled as 'shy', 'introverted' or 'gifted' at school, but when you're out on your own everything kind of falls inwards and issues such as anxiety, OCD and panic attacks might happen because your brain can't deal with all of it and it's truly the worst. This probably means it's time to talk to someone who isn't a counsellor and someone who can take a proactive solution to actually helping you and doing something about it rather than someone to merely sympathise and ask "so how do you feel about that".
In a way I really wish someone had noticed sooner and pointed me in the right direction - if my boyfriend hadn't urged me to talk to my GP about it, I'd probably be miserable and frustrated doing something else instead right now. Non-verbal communication isn't a thing, I can't do pointless small talk (if anyone asks me how my Christmas was I might scream), I don't enjoy uni at all and typical 'student' activities like drinking/smoking/clubbing make me question why I'm still living on this planet. Events still keep popping up in my head which make me realise "oh, so that's why I acted/reacted like that". I wish I'd known at the time that it was all down to AS rather than being 'weird' or whatever excuse my brain wrote it off as. It has helped me understand myself so much.
Now I find it much easier to anticipate my reactions to certain situations and knowing what I'm comfortable with and what I should avoid, so I don't put myself in situations where I know I'm going to be miserable and wondering why I thought something was a good idea in the first place. I'm perfectly happy with not going to clubs because I know the music will be loud and terrible and there will be sweaty people everywhere; I love time alone where I can do what I want; I know I'll be happier going out for a few hours for dinner or to go to the cinema with the boyfriend rather than stay over at his friend's house together because I know I wouldn't enjoy it anyway. Before I would have pushed myself to do all of these and then wonder why I was having such a terrible time. I realise many people reading this will be thinking what a boring person I sound, but I have different interests to you and there are things I enjoy and obsess over that most others do not, and now I'm perfectly okay with that because I understand it so much better now.
Another long post, but I tried not to go on too much about specific things I've already mentioned in greater lengths on the forums (but please ask if you want to know anything specific). I hope others can empathise with me on much of this and that it makes you feel like you're not alone and there's yet another person like you going through very similar things at the moment!
I suppose I'm still new and there's lots of members I haven't had the chance to talk to yet, so please feel free to inbox me if you want to chat, I'm always pleased to
Lately I've been thinking how much of a relief it is to know about my AS so I'm always aware of how it affects me - I believe 2013 was the year I learned far more about myself than in the rest of my life put together. I have always been perceived as 'weird', 'shy' or 'strange' by others and not knowing about AS for almost 22 years of my life made me think that I'd magically turn 'normal' overnight; that I'd wake up and my sensory issues would no longer affect me, I'd suddenly be able to make friends and that I'd spend every weekend going out to clubs and dancing and drinking like everyone else my age. Surprisingly, that didn't happen. I'd beat myself up about it, thinking "why can't you just be normal, why can't you just go drinking with everyone else, why do you have to make excuses to leave early, why do you have to be so frustratingly different?".
Upon meeting me I don't believe I seem that much different from any other 22-year-old student. I'm tall, I always smell good and take time to do my hair and makeup when I go out, I love clothes and bags and boots and wear a lot of clothes from Topshop. I'm tall and I have a few close friends, I love rabbits and going out shopping and hilarious TV shows. No one would believe me if I told them I had Asperger's until they'd spent a significant amount of time with me. I think the general public have a very distorted and misinformed idea of AS from the media and just because I'm not one thing or I look a certain way means I don't have it. This is why I'm finding it so difficult in knowing who it's 'safe' for me to tell, how others will react and if someone will be rude or patronising. They might say "but my auntie's sister's dad's cousin's mum's brother has Asperger's, and he does this, so obviously you do it too", and it's a big frustration to have to explain that everyone is different!
I think most girls only get diagnosed with Asperger's in their 20s or later on because they're so good at subconsciously covering it up and mimicking others that nothing seems to be the problem, but deep inside they're frustrated and angry with themselves and wondering what the problem is. The 20s is a point where you have to go about being independent, usually living away from home living with a group of strangers or working any kind of job. And everything probably goes horribly wrong, whether due to constant social exposure, lack of familiarity, not being able to carry out instructions, not being able to cope living in a house with someone else, and you wonder why. You were probably labelled as 'shy', 'introverted' or 'gifted' at school, but when you're out on your own everything kind of falls inwards and issues such as anxiety, OCD and panic attacks might happen because your brain can't deal with all of it and it's truly the worst. This probably means it's time to talk to someone who isn't a counsellor and someone who can take a proactive solution to actually helping you and doing something about it rather than someone to merely sympathise and ask "so how do you feel about that".
In a way I really wish someone had noticed sooner and pointed me in the right direction - if my boyfriend hadn't urged me to talk to my GP about it, I'd probably be miserable and frustrated doing something else instead right now. Non-verbal communication isn't a thing, I can't do pointless small talk (if anyone asks me how my Christmas was I might scream), I don't enjoy uni at all and typical 'student' activities like drinking/smoking/clubbing make me question why I'm still living on this planet. Events still keep popping up in my head which make me realise "oh, so that's why I acted/reacted like that". I wish I'd known at the time that it was all down to AS rather than being 'weird' or whatever excuse my brain wrote it off as. It has helped me understand myself so much.
Now I find it much easier to anticipate my reactions to certain situations and knowing what I'm comfortable with and what I should avoid, so I don't put myself in situations where I know I'm going to be miserable and wondering why I thought something was a good idea in the first place. I'm perfectly happy with not going to clubs because I know the music will be loud and terrible and there will be sweaty people everywhere; I love time alone where I can do what I want; I know I'll be happier going out for a few hours for dinner or to go to the cinema with the boyfriend rather than stay over at his friend's house together because I know I wouldn't enjoy it anyway. Before I would have pushed myself to do all of these and then wonder why I was having such a terrible time. I realise many people reading this will be thinking what a boring person I sound, but I have different interests to you and there are things I enjoy and obsess over that most others do not, and now I'm perfectly okay with that because I understand it so much better now.
Another long post, but I tried not to go on too much about specific things I've already mentioned in greater lengths on the forums (but please ask if you want to know anything specific). I hope others can empathise with me on much of this and that it makes you feel like you're not alone and there's yet another person like you going through very similar things at the moment!
I suppose I'm still new and there's lots of members I haven't had the chance to talk to yet, so please feel free to inbox me if you want to chat, I'm always pleased to
