I saw on an "Autism Parents" type website one time a line from an NT parent of a child with a more severe rendition of Autism that was something along the lines of "Asperger's/HFA isn't really Autism. People who supposedly have Asperger's don't know what it's like to really have Austism." Basically, he was frustrated over his young child's meltdowns, regression, delayed speech, and the fact that the child might forever be dependent on the parents, and evidently thought that Aspies don't actually suffer, because it's not so outwardly obvious to him, and because some of us can be independent.
When I read that, some six months or more ago, I dismissed it for the ignorant, albeit judgmental, comment that it was. But times like what I'm dealing with right now bring my brain back to that comment and make me want to verbally ***** slap that man.
No, I didn't have a speech delay. No, I didn't get so overwhelmed just being in the world that I'd lash out in ways that baffled neurotypicals. That doesn't mean I don't suffer. I still have meltdowns. My independence is arguably a charade.
The reasons for my suffering are far more subtle.
I'm one of those people that sit in the convergence of the Venn Diagram of Gifted and Autistic. I could probably join Mensa if I was so inclined. Instead, though, I spend that intelligence (and energy) on just dealing with people and navigating the world, and to be honest, I feel like it gets harder every year (Pavlovian level conditioning doesn't help matters).
And that's where I'm at right now. I just started a new job about a month ago. It's nearly my dream gig -- work from anywhere, results-oriented, good coworkers. The only thing that keeps it from being completely a dream come true is the code base (I'm a developer) is quite old, so I'm basically maintaining legacy code.
But, thanks to the parts of communicating that I'm deficient in, I'm basically a ball of nerves, afraid to ask questions at this point. Why? Because the questions I ask are, from what I can gauge from the responses, pretty obvious to others. Never mind the fact that the things that are less obvious to others are obvious to me.
And that's how my mind works -- I'm basically backwards from everyone else. The way I think something should be, or the way I think someone would think of doing something, is the complete opposite of what most everyone else would do or say.
So, when I get stuck on something, I end up bombarding myself with a dozen different questions just to figure our whether I should ask the damn question.
Have I attempted to find the answer myself for a period of time that they would deem "long enough?"
Have I attempted for a period deemed "too long?"
What is a "long enough" time for this kind of thing? (Hell if I know.)
Is this something that they'll deem obvious?
How can I explain that it's not obvious to me, without looking like I'm lazy or stupid?
How can I do that without spending an hour doing so?
Is this worded such that I can get the answer I need and not be patronized?
Can I deal with the (nearly inevitable) "you're smart, you can figure it out" response, especially if it is obvious to them, and I can't get them to understand that it's not that I'm being lazy?
Having to go through this every single time I need to ask a question (and in my field, there are...or should be...quite a few) is utterly exhausting. It's really a wonder I don't have anxiety attacks or meltdowns more often.
And, it's not just questions, but conversation in general that doesn't revolve around something like work. The questions revolve more around things like "will the person be interested in this?" and "how can I talk about it without seeming obsessed or rude by taking over the conversation?" Of course, that first question tends to shut my brain down for the matter of bringing that topic up, which does wonders for my marriage *eyeroll* (/sarcasm).
To compound the matter, I'm at a point in my life and career that I can't not wear the mask that allows me to pass as neurotypical, unless I want my career to regress back to somewhere around the point that I was still in college.
So yes, Mr. NT Father, I do suffer. I suffer pretty greatly. In ways you'll never even begin to understand. Because, you know, having to consciously think about the things your subconscious handles at warp-speed, while your conscious mind is blissfully unaware of the calculations, is so much fun *eyeroll* (/sarcasm).
When I read that, some six months or more ago, I dismissed it for the ignorant, albeit judgmental, comment that it was. But times like what I'm dealing with right now bring my brain back to that comment and make me want to verbally ***** slap that man.
No, I didn't have a speech delay. No, I didn't get so overwhelmed just being in the world that I'd lash out in ways that baffled neurotypicals. That doesn't mean I don't suffer. I still have meltdowns. My independence is arguably a charade.
The reasons for my suffering are far more subtle.
I'm one of those people that sit in the convergence of the Venn Diagram of Gifted and Autistic. I could probably join Mensa if I was so inclined. Instead, though, I spend that intelligence (and energy) on just dealing with people and navigating the world, and to be honest, I feel like it gets harder every year (Pavlovian level conditioning doesn't help matters).
And that's where I'm at right now. I just started a new job about a month ago. It's nearly my dream gig -- work from anywhere, results-oriented, good coworkers. The only thing that keeps it from being completely a dream come true is the code base (I'm a developer) is quite old, so I'm basically maintaining legacy code.
But, thanks to the parts of communicating that I'm deficient in, I'm basically a ball of nerves, afraid to ask questions at this point. Why? Because the questions I ask are, from what I can gauge from the responses, pretty obvious to others. Never mind the fact that the things that are less obvious to others are obvious to me.
And that's how my mind works -- I'm basically backwards from everyone else. The way I think something should be, or the way I think someone would think of doing something, is the complete opposite of what most everyone else would do or say.
So, when I get stuck on something, I end up bombarding myself with a dozen different questions just to figure our whether I should ask the damn question.
Have I attempted to find the answer myself for a period of time that they would deem "long enough?"
Have I attempted for a period deemed "too long?"
What is a "long enough" time for this kind of thing? (Hell if I know.)
Is this something that they'll deem obvious?
How can I explain that it's not obvious to me, without looking like I'm lazy or stupid?
How can I do that without spending an hour doing so?
Is this worded such that I can get the answer I need and not be patronized?
Can I deal with the (nearly inevitable) "you're smart, you can figure it out" response, especially if it is obvious to them, and I can't get them to understand that it's not that I'm being lazy?
Having to go through this every single time I need to ask a question (and in my field, there are...or should be...quite a few) is utterly exhausting. It's really a wonder I don't have anxiety attacks or meltdowns more often.
And, it's not just questions, but conversation in general that doesn't revolve around something like work. The questions revolve more around things like "will the person be interested in this?" and "how can I talk about it without seeming obsessed or rude by taking over the conversation?" Of course, that first question tends to shut my brain down for the matter of bringing that topic up, which does wonders for my marriage *eyeroll* (/sarcasm).
To compound the matter, I'm at a point in my life and career that I can't not wear the mask that allows me to pass as neurotypical, unless I want my career to regress back to somewhere around the point that I was still in college.
So yes, Mr. NT Father, I do suffer. I suffer pretty greatly. In ways you'll never even begin to understand. Because, you know, having to consciously think about the things your subconscious handles at warp-speed, while your conscious mind is blissfully unaware of the calculations, is so much fun *eyeroll* (/sarcasm).
