I am a self-diagnosed aspie, and was raised with no knowledge of the possibility that i have it until probably a little over a year ago. My parents, although great parents...i've always felt like they instantaneously love me a lot less, if not hate me altogether, the moment anything is wrong that isn't perfect. If I get a C in math, which in highschool i always had trouble with save Geometry, i was good at geometry. If i have issues with depression or anxiety again and god forbid they find out, its like all hell breaks loose and im the worst most ungrateful selfish daughter ever to them. In short, i've felt for a long time that unless i'm perfect they dont give a damn about me beyond the basics. That i'm automatically less than everybody else otherwise. That i'm worth nothing unless i'm perfect.
This need of mine to be perfect affects everything. On and off for a year or two now i've selfharmed because of it - as a self punishment, a talking to, a 'get your act together, nothing is wrong with you' sort of thing. Even back when my mom came to me over a year ago saying she thinks i might have AS, i feel the same about that. Half the time i'm like 'yes omg it fits perfectly and it explains so much' but the other half i'm like 'what the **** are you thinking are you crazy, you're fine you're just making **** up in your head without realizing it'. Even though i was opposed to the idea at first and only accepted the possibility after tons of research on my own, i still feel so conflicted even over that. I dont even have the opportunity to reconcile any of this or anybody to talk it out with, not that i'd even be good at that either. I'm expected to just be fine no matter what and move on with life and live it like everybody else. It hurt that just as soon as mom was all on board with my possibly having AS, she dropped the subject just as quickly. I thought that maybe it was finally my big break maybe i could see somebody or something and all my problems could finally matter but no. They dropped it just as quickly.
This need of mine to be perfect affects everything. On and off for a year or two now i've selfharmed because of it - as a self punishment, a talking to, a 'get your act together, nothing is wrong with you' sort of thing. Even back when my mom came to me over a year ago saying she thinks i might have AS, i feel the same about that. Half the time i'm like 'yes omg it fits perfectly and it explains so much' but the other half i'm like 'what the **** are you thinking are you crazy, you're fine you're just making **** up in your head without realizing it'. Even though i was opposed to the idea at first and only accepted the possibility after tons of research on my own, i still feel so conflicted even over that. I dont even have the opportunity to reconcile any of this or anybody to talk it out with, not that i'd even be good at that either. I'm expected to just be fine no matter what and move on with life and live it like everybody else. It hurt that just as soon as mom was all on board with my possibly having AS, she dropped the subject just as quickly. I thought that maybe it was finally my big break maybe i could see somebody or something and all my problems could finally matter but no. They dropped it just as quickly.
