Sometime last Spring I believe, maybe earlier, I was taking a walk with one of my close friends. I suddenly asked her- in earnest- "Why is it I always seem to incite conflict? It's not my intention."
She thought for a moment and said she didn't see me doing that. That it's not something she associates with me. ...and yet, I feel like I am surrounded by conflict.
I still think about that. I've asked couple of other friends and they said basically the same thing. I think, actually... one of the issues is that I can be very passionate, forceful, vocal about certain topics. it doesn't mean I am mad/angry/upset/pissed off/hateful/irritated... anything. it just means I'm trying to make a point.
But here's where I get upset: a lot of people can't differentiate me making a point from what my personal feelings or emotions might be. So then suddenly they are trying to tell me what i am saying/thinking/feeling/intending. And if I challenge that, I am lying/backtracking whatever.
This is really upsetting to me. It's the idea that anyone else has the right to dictate what I am feeling, to speak for me, to tell me that I am wrong about my experience and is, apperantly a better expert on me than I am. I think a lot of the time people don't see that they are doing this.
People who know me sometimes simply do a check in: "we ok?" "yeah" "ok, anyway as i was saying..."
People who don't know me tend to not actually believe me if I say we are ok, or I am not pissed off, etc etc etc. This has been a frequent issue the past few weeks. People telling me to not be so upset, not get offended, not take it personally.
It's akin to telling someone to not act crazy when they have a rational argument, really. And of course i'm sensitive to that. It's a cousin of gaslighting if you think about it. Only people don't realize what they are actually doing to the other person.
But for my part- I feel like I HAVE been a bit more confrontational beyond all of that. Not out to get people, but I don't know what my problem is. I actually quite honestly think there is something neurological going on. But, since I suspect that, it's not like it's a Get Out of Jail Free card.
Since I'm aware, I should be taking measures to see I'm not acting pissy all the time. but I'm having trouble trying to navigate social interactions. I'm really sad about it. I find I'm just getting into these arguments that are really stupid and it's hard for me to untangle what I mean. Before I know it I'm a jerk and... you can't disappear that.
I mean- like the mushroom cloud- you can't make it unhappen.
You can try to clean it up and treat people and do everything possible to try to heal the land and the people.
But if you are a huge jerk- that's going to linger. No matter how much you apologize.
The thing is, I don't feel like that's really me. But I don't know how to prevent it, and I'm having a really hard time lately... so I'm kind of lonely ish.
I feel like an ass.
Anyway.
Yay.
She thought for a moment and said she didn't see me doing that. That it's not something she associates with me. ...and yet, I feel like I am surrounded by conflict.
I still think about that. I've asked couple of other friends and they said basically the same thing. I think, actually... one of the issues is that I can be very passionate, forceful, vocal about certain topics. it doesn't mean I am mad/angry/upset/pissed off/hateful/irritated... anything. it just means I'm trying to make a point.
But here's where I get upset: a lot of people can't differentiate me making a point from what my personal feelings or emotions might be. So then suddenly they are trying to tell me what i am saying/thinking/feeling/intending. And if I challenge that, I am lying/backtracking whatever.
This is really upsetting to me. It's the idea that anyone else has the right to dictate what I am feeling, to speak for me, to tell me that I am wrong about my experience and is, apperantly a better expert on me than I am. I think a lot of the time people don't see that they are doing this.
People who know me sometimes simply do a check in: "we ok?" "yeah" "ok, anyway as i was saying..."
People who don't know me tend to not actually believe me if I say we are ok, or I am not pissed off, etc etc etc. This has been a frequent issue the past few weeks. People telling me to not be so upset, not get offended, not take it personally.
It's akin to telling someone to not act crazy when they have a rational argument, really. And of course i'm sensitive to that. It's a cousin of gaslighting if you think about it. Only people don't realize what they are actually doing to the other person.
But for my part- I feel like I HAVE been a bit more confrontational beyond all of that. Not out to get people, but I don't know what my problem is. I actually quite honestly think there is something neurological going on. But, since I suspect that, it's not like it's a Get Out of Jail Free card.
Since I'm aware, I should be taking measures to see I'm not acting pissy all the time. but I'm having trouble trying to navigate social interactions. I'm really sad about it. I find I'm just getting into these arguments that are really stupid and it's hard for me to untangle what I mean. Before I know it I'm a jerk and... you can't disappear that.
I mean- like the mushroom cloud- you can't make it unhappen.
You can try to clean it up and treat people and do everything possible to try to heal the land and the people.
But if you are a huge jerk- that's going to linger. No matter how much you apologize.
The thing is, I don't feel like that's really me. But I don't know how to prevent it, and I'm having a really hard time lately... so I'm kind of lonely ish.
I feel like an ass.
Anyway.
Yay.
