ah, crap.

yeah so I think I figured something out a little bit ago. kind of while I was half-dozing. I'm exhausted lately. Everything tears me up.

"Resilience is generally thought of as a "positive adaptation" after a stressful or adverse situation. In other words, resilience is one's ability to bounce back from a negative experience. The Children Institute explains that "resilience research is focused on studying those who engage in life with hope and humor despite devastating losses". It is important to note that resilience is not only about overcoming a deeply stressful situation, but also coming out of the said situation with "competent functioning". Resiliency allows a person to rebound from adversity as a strengthened and more resourceful person. "[wikipedia]

um. I mean, basically. I've always known that resilience has inherently been a personal strength [not just my observation] and I've worked to build upon it as like, a necessary survival technique almost.

I've lately been feeling a little better physically. Not that everything is perfect or anything. But I'm at a point where I can step back from focusing ONLY on pain every day all day. I can do a little here and there.

So i can step back from "pain, pain, pain". What I see is not good. I've gained nothing from the last year or two. Nothing. it's all been a waste. On top of that, all my personal space in my apartment is just destroyed- it's a complete wreck. I have to sort through it all.

I've been trying to figure out what is so different this time about kind of picking up all my pieces where I left off and trying to get going again. It's not that novel of an experience for me. I've actually done it several times before. Funny. But not funny... but yeah, funny.

I don't feel like me, exactly.
I don't have that bounce back. I feel terrible. Not just that... I've lost a lot of time. I'm hugely affected by everything around me. By the cruelty of the world, by how everything is just terrible. I'm having a really really hard time turning toward the positive of everything. While I do have a lot of experience with depression that is not my personality. So even when I'm depressed I, as in myself, still often think about things outside of that depression.

This period of depression will be over. Or ok, I folded three shirts. So that's better than nothing. I took a shower! Like, it's little stuff but I rarely struggle to find SOMETHING positive.

But... it's so rarely there now. I'm not me.
I had this like... epiphany. I think my 'bottomless pit of resilience' finally just about dried up.

I know a lot of the effects of that. Like how that can eventually really wreak havoc on my life- not just because of my need to adjust or how I need to figure out how to build it up again. Other people literally just constantly think that I've pulled through before, so i'll pull through again. because so often that is the case. With pretty much everything. Not only do I count on that much of the time. Everyone else does too. i take it for granted. Everyone does most of the time.

I don't know what to do at this point. I'm not sure what to do when I'm really upset at what i recognize are realities of the world and are things I have recognized as such since I was very very young. I used to just kind of accept these things and simply do what I could as an individual.

I feel really beat up this time. Like any time I'm upset I'm just like "ok so maybe I don't want to be here". That's... NOT ME. That has never ever been a "go to". And it's just like a reaction to being completely distraught.

Not a serious reaction, but it's an escape thought. Also I'm getting really distraught constantly. I don't understand that either.

This isn't how I deal with life and I feel like it's just sucked me dry at this point. I just feel destroyed. This is unlike anything I've experienced internally even though the situation- in terms of putting life on hold, is sort of similar to other times in my life.

I feel totally melodramatic.