Well its monday, I broke my mouse slamming it onto the desk several times when my laptop wouldn't work right, threw the broken mouse into the wall twice and broke it even more, and am now moping to one of the few sad songs on my itunes playlist...that'd be about how my day is going. At least the boy i'm babysitting is happy...he's got his toy train at the table playing with it. He's in a happy, silly mood today. I put him in his room to play with his snack and drink when i got mad so he didn't see the worst of it.
I just hate that i feel like my mom ruined me and my life by being so back and forth - more than one person has called her emotionally abusive but i can never be sure. On one hand it explains some things about me but on the other i feel like a wimp even daring to repeat that people've said she sounds emotionally abusive. Some people, people i know even, have actual bad pasts or bad parents, horrible parents. Me complaining about a mom that gets too angry when she gets angry sounds pathetic even to me.
I mean its not like she insults me day in and day out, just on rare occassions when i've done something super bad like fail college for the 2nd year in a row...she refused to get me therapy but that was cause i'd been living at a dorm at college and had the opportunity there, shoulda taken it there she said...said it was all just in my head that i'd convinced myself i was depressed or anxious and that if i jsut got out more i'd be fine...said that maybe if she'd treated me horribly as she'd been growing up maybe i'd have turned out right. She's just always mad about something, which makes me anxious to be around her cause something as small as me not cutting up lettuce fast enough or loudly shutting a cabinet or banging one class plate against another getting it out will make her snap at me.
I mean...i just dont even know what's normal. All i know is an angry mom and my friend's mom is very patient and such to an extreme so idk what's normal and what isn't. Like of course she's got a right to get mad, but what's the boundary between normal mad and too much mad.
She rants to me about dad all the time and that's no fun either. the other day she was slamming doors and throwing pool stuff down on pool chairs out back cause she was mad dad used her beach towel. I mean really mom there's loads more beach towels...if *I* had complained cause someone used my towel you'd have scolded me, yet you can throw an adult version of a temper tantrum over it. Makes loads of sense there. And every time we eat dinner she always watches the news and comments on everything about it, her opinion of course...somehow it was only this weekend that it occurred to me that it might not matter how well i do in school or how perfectly i do everything, which is what ive been trying to do for years now...realized that maybe despite everything i'll never be good enough for her. One small tiny mistake and its always back to square one. I distinctly remember back when i was like early to mid teens mom had gotten mad at me over soemthing or another and when we went to go somewhere she literally asked me in a mocking, angry voice if i'd remembered to wear a bra. I found that incredibly insulting.
She's always done that type of thing - said aloud that she trusts me the most that i'm the most well behaved (growing up at least) yet any time something occurs i'm questioned aggressively. I remember i was young, probably still elementary school, and she asked me to go upstairs to my little brother's room to get soemthing for him. When i went up to get it i saw brother's new pajamas and commented to myself about how adorable they were. But when i got downstairs mom yelled asking what was horrible - she had misunderstood me over brother's baby monitor. Yet this didn't occur to anyone until later after she'd yelled at me demanding to know what i'd said and dad had joined in cause dad was mad at me for not answering mom. They appologized in the end but it was a little over the top, i think...she's always done **** like that though.
I just hate that i feel like my mom ruined me and my life by being so back and forth - more than one person has called her emotionally abusive but i can never be sure. On one hand it explains some things about me but on the other i feel like a wimp even daring to repeat that people've said she sounds emotionally abusive. Some people, people i know even, have actual bad pasts or bad parents, horrible parents. Me complaining about a mom that gets too angry when she gets angry sounds pathetic even to me.
I mean its not like she insults me day in and day out, just on rare occassions when i've done something super bad like fail college for the 2nd year in a row...she refused to get me therapy but that was cause i'd been living at a dorm at college and had the opportunity there, shoulda taken it there she said...said it was all just in my head that i'd convinced myself i was depressed or anxious and that if i jsut got out more i'd be fine...said that maybe if she'd treated me horribly as she'd been growing up maybe i'd have turned out right. She's just always mad about something, which makes me anxious to be around her cause something as small as me not cutting up lettuce fast enough or loudly shutting a cabinet or banging one class plate against another getting it out will make her snap at me.
I mean...i just dont even know what's normal. All i know is an angry mom and my friend's mom is very patient and such to an extreme so idk what's normal and what isn't. Like of course she's got a right to get mad, but what's the boundary between normal mad and too much mad.
She rants to me about dad all the time and that's no fun either. the other day she was slamming doors and throwing pool stuff down on pool chairs out back cause she was mad dad used her beach towel. I mean really mom there's loads more beach towels...if *I* had complained cause someone used my towel you'd have scolded me, yet you can throw an adult version of a temper tantrum over it. Makes loads of sense there. And every time we eat dinner she always watches the news and comments on everything about it, her opinion of course...somehow it was only this weekend that it occurred to me that it might not matter how well i do in school or how perfectly i do everything, which is what ive been trying to do for years now...realized that maybe despite everything i'll never be good enough for her. One small tiny mistake and its always back to square one. I distinctly remember back when i was like early to mid teens mom had gotten mad at me over soemthing or another and when we went to go somewhere she literally asked me in a mocking, angry voice if i'd remembered to wear a bra. I found that incredibly insulting.
She's always done that type of thing - said aloud that she trusts me the most that i'm the most well behaved (growing up at least) yet any time something occurs i'm questioned aggressively. I remember i was young, probably still elementary school, and she asked me to go upstairs to my little brother's room to get soemthing for him. When i went up to get it i saw brother's new pajamas and commented to myself about how adorable they were. But when i got downstairs mom yelled asking what was horrible - she had misunderstood me over brother's baby monitor. Yet this didn't occur to anyone until later after she'd yelled at me demanding to know what i'd said and dad had joined in cause dad was mad at me for not answering mom. They appologized in the end but it was a little over the top, i think...she's always done **** like that though.
