These last few moths have been pretty good I have to say. I am making progress, making my appointments, taking my pills, keeping sane, just being a good boy. Two months without a large meltdown, kind of a new record in the recent past. All throughout I have been asking myself, When I am going to screw up, when am i going to meltdown? Nothing good lasts, not for me, I asked myself and have been afraid of myself. When is this going to the end?
I have had my moments in the past where I thought it was the end of this streak. I got slapped back into my good mood through a good night (or mourning and into the afternoon) of sleep. A break like that would have crippled me before. It is undeniable I am making progress, no matter how depressed or how deep into a meltdown I get, I can not deny it. What is in question is, is it enough? I don't think it is to be honest. It is showing. The darkness through the cracks in my phyce are beginning to be noticeable. Though I have been stable. The pressure, the stress, the underlying emotions are prevalent and growing day by day.
This last week, it has been a fight, and I am loosing. the bast breaks I have had in the past few months have been separated instances, this is one after another and another. I woke up today feeling the same emotions I fell asleep with. This is a big red flag, and often times in the past a sign of an oncoming depressive episode. Just writing about all this makes me feel bad, there is already enough of that. Normally when I write about such things, I fall into an emotional pit and just rant in meltdown. Though all of this sounds bad as it is, it can get worse. I won't though. I won't get into all that today.
I am just worried, but also hopeful in a depressed way. Not your usual use of the term hopeful, but it is something I am feeling. The thing is, part of the reason why I stayed this good for so long is because I have told myself that it is not time. I will kill myself when the pain of living is more than than the pain I would have to go through to go through with my plans. it wasn't time then. It made sense, and it worked to a point in which the time I am waiting for myself to KMS I have been getting better, there might be hope. I am getting better, I am making progress, no matter how I feel emotionally inside. Maybe, just maybe it will be enough to push the time in which life is manageable further and further forward into the future. maybe, just maybe, so far that I won't do it.
That is my faint glimmer of hope, but it relies on something that often times I can't control. I am loosing that control. my mind is slipping into depression. It sucks to live in a full relapsed state. if I go full relapse now. The designated time to KMS is pushed into my very near future.
I don't want to, but at the same time I want to. Life has been a bit of a shitshow for mos- all of my life. a huge part of me just wants it to be over, despite their being a hope in my life that wasn't their before. I know what I am sacrificing to escape the pain, but I have come to accept giving it all up.
I ask myself this now. Is my time approaching faster than I have excepted, or is this just a bump in a road, that goes on for a very very long time? My emotions are defiantly telling me one of the two.
View attachment 40321
I have had my moments in the past where I thought it was the end of this streak. I got slapped back into my good mood through a good night (or mourning and into the afternoon) of sleep. A break like that would have crippled me before. It is undeniable I am making progress, no matter how depressed or how deep into a meltdown I get, I can not deny it. What is in question is, is it enough? I don't think it is to be honest. It is showing. The darkness through the cracks in my phyce are beginning to be noticeable. Though I have been stable. The pressure, the stress, the underlying emotions are prevalent and growing day by day.
This last week, it has been a fight, and I am loosing. the bast breaks I have had in the past few months have been separated instances, this is one after another and another. I woke up today feeling the same emotions I fell asleep with. This is a big red flag, and often times in the past a sign of an oncoming depressive episode. Just writing about all this makes me feel bad, there is already enough of that. Normally when I write about such things, I fall into an emotional pit and just rant in meltdown. Though all of this sounds bad as it is, it can get worse. I won't though. I won't get into all that today.
I am just worried, but also hopeful in a depressed way. Not your usual use of the term hopeful, but it is something I am feeling. The thing is, part of the reason why I stayed this good for so long is because I have told myself that it is not time. I will kill myself when the pain of living is more than than the pain I would have to go through to go through with my plans. it wasn't time then. It made sense, and it worked to a point in which the time I am waiting for myself to KMS I have been getting better, there might be hope. I am getting better, I am making progress, no matter how I feel emotionally inside. Maybe, just maybe it will be enough to push the time in which life is manageable further and further forward into the future. maybe, just maybe, so far that I won't do it.
That is my faint glimmer of hope, but it relies on something that often times I can't control. I am loosing that control. my mind is slipping into depression. It sucks to live in a full relapsed state. if I go full relapse now. The designated time to KMS is pushed into my very near future.
I don't want to, but at the same time I want to. Life has been a bit of a shitshow for mos- all of my life. a huge part of me just wants it to be over, despite their being a hope in my life that wasn't their before. I know what I am sacrificing to escape the pain, but I have come to accept giving it all up.
I ask myself this now. Is my time approaching faster than I have excepted, or is this just a bump in a road, that goes on for a very very long time? My emotions are defiantly telling me one of the two.
View attachment 40321
