it is relatively early in the day (3:40 am) and I am feeling relatively good in my stress free environment of my own bed in the middle of the night. I have a horrible sleeping pattern. As much as I like pattersn, my sleeping is as far from one as possible. This could be to internet addiction and or insomnia, but there is an argument for it. Staying up when no one else is awake is nice, there are not expectations of me, no one notices me, no one calls me up from the humble abode of my messy bedroom, I could stair at a wall for hours and hours on end, and no one would criticize me for it. I find the nights more stress free when I am not in meltdown.
It has it's problems. When I fall asleep, I often wake up a few hours before it gets dark. Canadian winters suck for that. If I wanted to, I couldn't fall asleep at a normal time, or wake up at a normal time. If I wanted to get stuff done the next day, I have to stay up the whole night, then pass out halfway through the next one. At least I operate well with low sleep. My brain might not be as efficient, but I have no problem biking, skiing and taking my dog for a walk.
I know I should fix it. Poor sleep is bad for long term health, and short term sanity. Having restrictions though was never somthing I was good with, even self enforced. Why go to sleep at 11? I have so much to watch, so much to read, so much to write, so much to learn. My attention is unfaltering, if my brain is active on a subject, it is near impossible to drop it and sleep.
Tomorrow, I am starting off simple. One task I have to complete. take my dog for a walk. I normaly took him out every day, and enjoyed it a lot. Winter has set it, it is not just cold out now, but it gets dark fast. so the time in which I can take him out is limited. It isn't just the winter. I haven't had the motivation to take him out as much as I used to, I don't mind the cold, and it isn't really a big factor in this. I feel like trash not taking him out. He relys on me to do everything, and he loves me no matter what but I feel like I have betrayed him for only taking him once a week for the past three, versus daily. He is so much a part of my life, and I have failed to delegate twenty minutes of my time each day for him. It makes me feel good to, it isn't just about him, but I am not important in this matter, only him.
View attachment 40327
I went to my grandmas place in a small town an hour out of the city. She doesn't have wifi, so I thought I could try to break my addiction, and work on reading a few of the books I picked up that I haven't touched. Work on my drawing, and writing. I couldn't. I didn't touch a book, I spent very little time on writing, and drawing. and spent most of my time on the internet. I did however get somewhat far into making a knex roller coaster. I got the main structure completed which was an eight foot tall tower reaching to the ceiling. I lost interest after a full night of work and left it for the remainder of the week, so it wasn't anything to be proud of.
I did do one thing that was good though. One of my cousins just moved out and had a place in the city. so far, she is the most relatable person I know. A big quirky nerd who loveds to be weird. It was just a plessure spending time with her. We played the sims a lot. We built a house for the sims family, and had a concrete prison outback. We would lure sims from the twon into the prison, trap them, visit them, make them a part of the family, lock them in a room with a painting stand, where they would spend the rest of thier days, painting in a cold dark room making the family $$$. We got up to 27 sims that we lured into our building to make us extravagant amounts of money, while we laughed, like the evil oniprecent gods we where. When we got board, we walked out to a park outside of the town, and enjoyed the clear night sky under the influence of the devils lettuce.
I have never met anyone like that in the near past that I actually could spend hours with, feeling good throughout. it was still exhausting, but it was worthwhile. I plan to spend more time with her in the near future.
I skied yesterday too. I love my two skis and the hill. It is only local, relatively small compared to the huge mountains a day trip away from Edmonton, but if you know where to look, it is enjoyable. I got my grandma to drop me off on the way back out of the city since it was on the way. No one was there, and I realized the hill opens in one and a half hours. I played around with my skis in a snow pile they plowed off of the parking lot, for a good twenty minutes. a group of guys my age came into the parking lot and saw me hitting these makeshift jumps and where interested. we talked for a bit, then I joined them and shared my 'letuce' with them after I felt comfortable enough.
talking to strangers, not my forte. it went well for the first half hour or so, then I started to show my more autistic side unwillingly. They defiantly noticed, but I think I came of as somewhat 'quirky' instead of weird, I hope. I was on my phone a lot, one of them asked what I was doing, and I answered truthfuly because I didn't want to lie, and I didn't really know what else to say, I told him I was writing political theory. He just kind of nodded with a weird expression and went back to talking with his friends. I didn't know what he was thinking. There are a lot of things I could be doing that was worse, writing political theory, yes it is a bit weird, but not bad weird.
when the hill opened, I went off and did my own thing. We met up a couple of times to do some lines together (not drugs, it is a skiing term) and showed off a bit of my skill. I am not good at talking, but I am at skiing. we would talk at the bottom of the chair, and smoke a little more every now and then. I think it was a good exchange. A thought that crossed my mind like a jerrie's ski tips is that they where taking advantage of me because I had 'cat nip' they could have, but they invited me before they knew I had it, and where pretty generous with me before I made it known. Throughout the whole time, my anxiety alarms where screaming. I wasn't perfect, but I hope I was acceptable.
When I first made plans to go to the hill, I invited my cousin. He got me into skiing in the first place, and often we go together. Lately, he has been unreliable. He pulls out on plans last second, doesn't respond to texts or pick up my calls. Generally unreachable, and when you do make plans, he doesn't follow through. He picked up my call and said he would come. I was excited, first time in the season we get to hit the hill together. an hour passes, he doesn't respond to my texts, or pick up. I write it off as him not being dumb and coming to the hill before it opens. Another hour passes, no word from him. Another hour passes, Im pissed at this point. I sent him a text.
"you are not calling me, you are not texting me back. I have no idea if you are going to come at this point, because you do have a tendency to cancel last second. If you don't come, this is the second time you dipped. It may not be the case and you do show up or are here already, but it doesn't matter, you are a piece of ***** for putting me in this situation in the first place. Just don't come."
I spent a lot of time figuring out how to word this. and I think I did well. Even though he didn't respond to my last texts, he responds five minutes latter telling me how he fell asleep and didn't see the texts or calls. He also said that he is coming weather I like it or not because he did make a promise.
I don't know what to think of the whole situation even a day latter. I tried to contact him 7 times before I ranted to him, and it just do happens that the one rant is the one he response to five minutes latter. it sounds fishy. He has his reasons for being unreliable. He is working his ass off in a physical job that doesn't have a set timeline, he did work from 3 am to 1 pm the previous night. He on top of that has bowling. His schedule is tight, but he doesn't have the diligence to answer my texts a good three quarter of the times. He was my best friend growing up, and we have been drifting apart. I have so little people in my life, I legitamently do need him, and have said this. I just don't know what to think
He shows up and we spend the last hour on the slopes together. I am glad he did show up in the end, even though I told him not to. We pick up something to eat, and I talked about why I was mad at him. He said he knows and understands. He said that he knew he was being a piece of **** and a bad cousin towards me, and he is trying to do better, and that I every right to feel the way I do. It made me feel better about the sistuation. The worst is when they don't acknowledge the things they do wrong, and call me a spaz over the situation, but he agreed with me. He had said this before though. I will believe him though, The alternative is worse, and somewhat unlikely. even though some things point to the alternative, because he is my cousin, and for my own sake, I will believe him. We are planning a trip to lake louise in the next few weeks, so lets see if he follows through.
It has it's problems. When I fall asleep, I often wake up a few hours before it gets dark. Canadian winters suck for that. If I wanted to, I couldn't fall asleep at a normal time, or wake up at a normal time. If I wanted to get stuff done the next day, I have to stay up the whole night, then pass out halfway through the next one. At least I operate well with low sleep. My brain might not be as efficient, but I have no problem biking, skiing and taking my dog for a walk.
I know I should fix it. Poor sleep is bad for long term health, and short term sanity. Having restrictions though was never somthing I was good with, even self enforced. Why go to sleep at 11? I have so much to watch, so much to read, so much to write, so much to learn. My attention is unfaltering, if my brain is active on a subject, it is near impossible to drop it and sleep.
Tomorrow, I am starting off simple. One task I have to complete. take my dog for a walk. I normaly took him out every day, and enjoyed it a lot. Winter has set it, it is not just cold out now, but it gets dark fast. so the time in which I can take him out is limited. It isn't just the winter. I haven't had the motivation to take him out as much as I used to, I don't mind the cold, and it isn't really a big factor in this. I feel like trash not taking him out. He relys on me to do everything, and he loves me no matter what but I feel like I have betrayed him for only taking him once a week for the past three, versus daily. He is so much a part of my life, and I have failed to delegate twenty minutes of my time each day for him. It makes me feel good to, it isn't just about him, but I am not important in this matter, only him.
View attachment 40327
I went to my grandmas place in a small town an hour out of the city. She doesn't have wifi, so I thought I could try to break my addiction, and work on reading a few of the books I picked up that I haven't touched. Work on my drawing, and writing. I couldn't. I didn't touch a book, I spent very little time on writing, and drawing. and spent most of my time on the internet. I did however get somewhat far into making a knex roller coaster. I got the main structure completed which was an eight foot tall tower reaching to the ceiling. I lost interest after a full night of work and left it for the remainder of the week, so it wasn't anything to be proud of.
I did do one thing that was good though. One of my cousins just moved out and had a place in the city. so far, she is the most relatable person I know. A big quirky nerd who loveds to be weird. It was just a plessure spending time with her. We played the sims a lot. We built a house for the sims family, and had a concrete prison outback. We would lure sims from the twon into the prison, trap them, visit them, make them a part of the family, lock them in a room with a painting stand, where they would spend the rest of thier days, painting in a cold dark room making the family $$$. We got up to 27 sims that we lured into our building to make us extravagant amounts of money, while we laughed, like the evil oniprecent gods we where. When we got board, we walked out to a park outside of the town, and enjoyed the clear night sky under the influence of the devils lettuce.
I have never met anyone like that in the near past that I actually could spend hours with, feeling good throughout. it was still exhausting, but it was worthwhile. I plan to spend more time with her in the near future.
I skied yesterday too. I love my two skis and the hill. It is only local, relatively small compared to the huge mountains a day trip away from Edmonton, but if you know where to look, it is enjoyable. I got my grandma to drop me off on the way back out of the city since it was on the way. No one was there, and I realized the hill opens in one and a half hours. I played around with my skis in a snow pile they plowed off of the parking lot, for a good twenty minutes. a group of guys my age came into the parking lot and saw me hitting these makeshift jumps and where interested. we talked for a bit, then I joined them and shared my 'letuce' with them after I felt comfortable enough.
talking to strangers, not my forte. it went well for the first half hour or so, then I started to show my more autistic side unwillingly. They defiantly noticed, but I think I came of as somewhat 'quirky' instead of weird, I hope. I was on my phone a lot, one of them asked what I was doing, and I answered truthfuly because I didn't want to lie, and I didn't really know what else to say, I told him I was writing political theory. He just kind of nodded with a weird expression and went back to talking with his friends. I didn't know what he was thinking. There are a lot of things I could be doing that was worse, writing political theory, yes it is a bit weird, but not bad weird.
when the hill opened, I went off and did my own thing. We met up a couple of times to do some lines together (not drugs, it is a skiing term) and showed off a bit of my skill. I am not good at talking, but I am at skiing. we would talk at the bottom of the chair, and smoke a little more every now and then. I think it was a good exchange. A thought that crossed my mind like a jerrie's ski tips is that they where taking advantage of me because I had 'cat nip' they could have, but they invited me before they knew I had it, and where pretty generous with me before I made it known. Throughout the whole time, my anxiety alarms where screaming. I wasn't perfect, but I hope I was acceptable.
When I first made plans to go to the hill, I invited my cousin. He got me into skiing in the first place, and often we go together. Lately, he has been unreliable. He pulls out on plans last second, doesn't respond to texts or pick up my calls. Generally unreachable, and when you do make plans, he doesn't follow through. He picked up my call and said he would come. I was excited, first time in the season we get to hit the hill together. an hour passes, he doesn't respond to my texts, or pick up. I write it off as him not being dumb and coming to the hill before it opens. Another hour passes, no word from him. Another hour passes, Im pissed at this point. I sent him a text.
"you are not calling me, you are not texting me back. I have no idea if you are going to come at this point, because you do have a tendency to cancel last second. If you don't come, this is the second time you dipped. It may not be the case and you do show up or are here already, but it doesn't matter, you are a piece of ***** for putting me in this situation in the first place. Just don't come."
I spent a lot of time figuring out how to word this. and I think I did well. Even though he didn't respond to my last texts, he responds five minutes latter telling me how he fell asleep and didn't see the texts or calls. He also said that he is coming weather I like it or not because he did make a promise.
I don't know what to think of the whole situation even a day latter. I tried to contact him 7 times before I ranted to him, and it just do happens that the one rant is the one he response to five minutes latter. it sounds fishy. He has his reasons for being unreliable. He is working his ass off in a physical job that doesn't have a set timeline, he did work from 3 am to 1 pm the previous night. He on top of that has bowling. His schedule is tight, but he doesn't have the diligence to answer my texts a good three quarter of the times. He was my best friend growing up, and we have been drifting apart. I have so little people in my life, I legitamently do need him, and have said this. I just don't know what to think
He shows up and we spend the last hour on the slopes together. I am glad he did show up in the end, even though I told him not to. We pick up something to eat, and I talked about why I was mad at him. He said he knows and understands. He said that he knew he was being a piece of **** and a bad cousin towards me, and he is trying to do better, and that I every right to feel the way I do. It made me feel better about the sistuation. The worst is when they don't acknowledge the things they do wrong, and call me a spaz over the situation, but he agreed with me. He had said this before though. I will believe him though, The alternative is worse, and somewhat unlikely. even though some things point to the alternative, because he is my cousin, and for my own sake, I will believe him. We are planning a trip to lake louise in the next few weeks, so lets see if he follows through.
