I have nothing good to say today. I feel horrible. reality is kind of clashing in one me. I feel like I have lost, it is just over at this point. I was off my meds for the past two weeks, I have been back on them for the past few days. I know they help. I still don't want to take them. it's kind of like chemo for a terminal cancer, I just don't wan't to keep going, I wan't off them despite the pain and depression and anxiety and all that other stuff, I wan't to get depressed enough to spur motivation to kill myself. I have wanted to do this for so long. i'm 19, and it has been a decade with escape on my mind. I really, really don't wan't to do this anymore. My feelings say tomorrow. part of me want's to say **** it and hang myself right now. right now. Why not? really. Why not. What is two minutes of pain compared to the night ahead of me, what is it compared to the next day, week, month? it is nothing. Maybe. Maybe I am going to check it out after I write this. Maybe I might get drunk out of my mind, then do it, because apparently drunk me has more guts to do what is right. Maybe, but I really don't know. I can't trust myself to do anything even in the next five minutes. I am controlled by nothing but emotions, I don't know what they will tell me to do. who knows, maybe this is the last thing I write here. Maybe this is a goodbye. I don't know, I really don't. Am I melted down? am I crazy? am I so depressed I can't see straight? Maybe. It doesn't matter anyway, I just want to run from life, and have been sitting on making this choice for months in sureness, and years and years in uncertainty.
I don't want to live. I do wan't to give it a shot, because maybe life will convince me otherwise. I can't even muster the effort to try, I try to try but fail at even trying. You can tell me I am wrong to think like this, but who the hell are you to tell me that? Honestly. You know nothing about my situation, my life, anything about me. And if you did know, If you did now everything that I did. You wouldn't have a shred of hope. because hopefully you are not stupid enough to know that it is toxic, and is a mechanism to prolong pain, while the doctors pump it into you. hopefully you are smart enough to know what I know. I don't wan't to live with myself, and I can't move out like I am my own roommate to escape with a new lease. I am done I am done I might have a shred of hope here or there, but the best I can actually do is dellay, dellay the end one more day, two more days, a month, a week, a few years. how ever long. I am going to be the one to end it. WHY NOT TONIGHt why not. you know what. **** it, why not, I am probubly not going to do it somthing or myself is going to stop me, but the rope is ther.
some things can't be fixed. you know that to be certain somwhere deep down under all that pumpued up possitivity society gives you to keep functioning. I have nothing else to say.
I don't want to live. I do wan't to give it a shot, because maybe life will convince me otherwise. I can't even muster the effort to try, I try to try but fail at even trying. You can tell me I am wrong to think like this, but who the hell are you to tell me that? Honestly. You know nothing about my situation, my life, anything about me. And if you did know, If you did now everything that I did. You wouldn't have a shred of hope. because hopefully you are not stupid enough to know that it is toxic, and is a mechanism to prolong pain, while the doctors pump it into you. hopefully you are smart enough to know what I know. I don't wan't to live with myself, and I can't move out like I am my own roommate to escape with a new lease. I am done I am done I might have a shred of hope here or there, but the best I can actually do is dellay, dellay the end one more day, two more days, a month, a week, a few years. how ever long. I am going to be the one to end it. WHY NOT TONIGHt why not. you know what. **** it, why not, I am probubly not going to do it somthing or myself is going to stop me, but the rope is ther.
some things can't be fixed. you know that to be certain somwhere deep down under all that pumpued up possitivity society gives you to keep functioning. I have nothing else to say.
