12/ Snow and Dog Walks\23

I hit a low in a rough patch. When I seriously started to consider suicide, I realized that this was absolutely stupid. As much as I love to brag about 'my acceptance of death' I am scared of the **** still. I stall at the end, waiting for something to happen that will finally get me to do it. I don't blame myself for cowering, I am talking about my life after all. I am not fully out of the woods, just because I snapped out of this one, doesn't mean that it won't come back, nor all my problems being rendered null. It means that I have the confidence in myself to persevere, and use my head for good, to solve problems, that is what I am good at. I can do it.
Moving on, I have to be delicate with my steps, a slip can mean a disastrous fall. coming right out of my previous state, it is incredibly easy to fall back in. I have to be aware, and to be prepared. I won't stop future meltdowns, but I can mitigate damages before, during, and after. During good streaks, I can rebound right back into my good self. When I was out with my dog, I was thinking, Lets use this opportunity as a test of willpower. I used to pride myself for my willpower when I put my mind to the task, and I would like to see if I can rekindle that fire. Instead of fearing the emotions, face them down as a challenge, see how far I can go, If I screw up and fall, like any other sport, get your ass up and get back in the ring, that is part of the deal.
I have to be careful of feeling hopeful. As ****** as it sounds (sorry staff, I am using expressive language) My base state is no hope, and I operate better on no hope, but just at a base core, not entirely. Before this crash, I was on a long streak. One of the reasons for the long streak was that I had given up. I was saying I would kill myself in January when life gets s- (I won't push my luck though) again. I didn't have the stress of having to perform in what I presive as a life or death situation, as I try to keep afloat, because I was thinking I was just gonna die. Then naturally, I did good at keeping myself functioning, despite being suicidal.
When I was in that mindset. I also noticed I was doing good, so I formed an altamatum, If I become functioning, and emotionally, I could just stay alive. If I made progress, I won't do it, I didn't have much hope that I would make that progress, but I gave myself a goal to work towards, a glimmer of hope.
I got it, I got my hope back.


This mourning, I stayed up all night. So, I got an early start to the day. Yes, I need to get my sleeping schedule back in order, but this morning was different. I ate breakfast, I showered, shaved, shoveled, and took my dog for a walk. That is a lot of things for me to do, and all before 1pm? This stuff sounded impossible at one point, but this is beyond easy. In fact, showering does actually make me feel good. So far this day has been an overwhelming success. And I am sure my dog is happy that I am doing good, well if he awake right now after that walk.
I have a few things I still need to do, but I will keep in mind, today was good, even if I am lazy for the rest of the day. Never the less, I still wan't to build some k'nex, practice piano a bit, write a bit more, maybe draw a bit more, maybe take my skis out to my small neghbor hood hill that I built snow jumps that I can practice tricks off of, and when I am done with that, I should be seeing my cousin when he gets off of work. Tomorrow is filled with the same possibilities.

And it is snowing : D

Just a bit, but still

It is snowing.