Social Anxiety has been something that has been with me for most of my life, I can't even go into the most basic of places like a grocery store without my mind setting ablaze and wondering what the people I pass by in the isles are thinking about me and whenever they try and say hello to me or something along those lines, thinking to myself why in the world would they want to talk to someone like me, and more importantly do they really care about my presence? It's expected for them to say "hello" to someone when they enter the store, but when they ask you "how are you today?" Do they really mean that? I think not. I'm just another person coming into their store to make them money so the lights stay on.
I really don't get out much at all unless absolutely necessary, I mean after all, why should I? It's not like I have friends to go visit or people that truly care enough to spend time with me for that matter, and on the subjects of friends and people that care, not having either of those things in my life is something that proves to me that I should have no sense of pride about myself at all. I mean if I was a good person, you would think that I would have friends, but I don't so obviously that means I'm a nobody.
I don't think that I deserve friends personally, I don't really bring much to the table other than an undying love for Star Wars and a heart that cares about people a little too much, but in today's world a caring person is absolute scum apparently, men are not supposed to be vulnerable and have feelings, we have to put up this front that we are tough guys that don't talk much or care about what other people have to say.
Every friend I've had in the past has always found something about me that they didn't like and most of the time they immediately demanded that I change for them, and I tried my best for a few of them to try to keep them around, but of course that didn't work, that wasn't good enough for them, one particular person even demanded that I throw away all of my interests and suddenly form an interest in his. "Either we have the same things in common or this friendship is over!" Well, I got out of that friendship rather quickly.
People tell me all the time that I deserve the extreme depression and the loneliness that I feel because I stay so isolated away from people, and the sad thing is I honestly believe them, but when you're so afraid of what people think about you and the possibility that you could get bullied again, staying isolated is the only thing that makes me feel safe. I don't want to go out and try and find more friends because I could get crushed again and be back in the same position I am now.
My mind constantly tells me the same thing, only a little harsher. "You don't deserve people in your life at all. Do you know why? Because you are absolutely pathetic and if anyone ever comes into your life in the future it'll only be because of pity. They will never actually have an interest in you, and you know I'm right. Why else would you be alone?"
Having even the smallest sense of self worth to me is meaningless, I don't want to sound arrogant at all or be labeled amongst those people. I think that if you view yourself as absolute trash your entire life, that you're in a better light than those who think the world revolves around them.
The never ending storm of depression and self hatred is a reality that I face every single day, and the more I even think about trying to get out there and make a friend, it gets worse, deep down I desire friendship and to have people in my life that truly care for me, but the longer I go without friends the more I truly believe that I am not meant to have such a luxury.
I honestly doubt that anyone will read this, I mean why should they? It's just words from the shattered mind of someone who really doesn't matter in the world.
I really don't get out much at all unless absolutely necessary, I mean after all, why should I? It's not like I have friends to go visit or people that truly care enough to spend time with me for that matter, and on the subjects of friends and people that care, not having either of those things in my life is something that proves to me that I should have no sense of pride about myself at all. I mean if I was a good person, you would think that I would have friends, but I don't so obviously that means I'm a nobody.
I don't think that I deserve friends personally, I don't really bring much to the table other than an undying love for Star Wars and a heart that cares about people a little too much, but in today's world a caring person is absolute scum apparently, men are not supposed to be vulnerable and have feelings, we have to put up this front that we are tough guys that don't talk much or care about what other people have to say.
Every friend I've had in the past has always found something about me that they didn't like and most of the time they immediately demanded that I change for them, and I tried my best for a few of them to try to keep them around, but of course that didn't work, that wasn't good enough for them, one particular person even demanded that I throw away all of my interests and suddenly form an interest in his. "Either we have the same things in common or this friendship is over!" Well, I got out of that friendship rather quickly.
People tell me all the time that I deserve the extreme depression and the loneliness that I feel because I stay so isolated away from people, and the sad thing is I honestly believe them, but when you're so afraid of what people think about you and the possibility that you could get bullied again, staying isolated is the only thing that makes me feel safe. I don't want to go out and try and find more friends because I could get crushed again and be back in the same position I am now.
My mind constantly tells me the same thing, only a little harsher. "You don't deserve people in your life at all. Do you know why? Because you are absolutely pathetic and if anyone ever comes into your life in the future it'll only be because of pity. They will never actually have an interest in you, and you know I'm right. Why else would you be alone?"
Having even the smallest sense of self worth to me is meaningless, I don't want to sound arrogant at all or be labeled amongst those people. I think that if you view yourself as absolute trash your entire life, that you're in a better light than those who think the world revolves around them.
The never ending storm of depression and self hatred is a reality that I face every single day, and the more I even think about trying to get out there and make a friend, it gets worse, deep down I desire friendship and to have people in my life that truly care for me, but the longer I go without friends the more I truly believe that I am not meant to have such a luxury.
I honestly doubt that anyone will read this, I mean why should they? It's just words from the shattered mind of someone who really doesn't matter in the world.
