I realize to truly move on in life and have better things happen that you need to let go of your past, but that has always been something easier said than done.
I didn't have the easiest life growing up, it was filled with years of physical and mental abuse by people who are no longer in my life, but just because they are no longer in it that doesn't mean the flashbacks and mental assaults of their words repeated that cut to the bone don't exist.
I have forgiven these people for what they did, but that doesn't mean the mental wounds I suffered have healed. I can just be going along with my day with something else on my mind when out of nowhere I can hear myself mentally scream and then the flood of memories come pouring back in and the rest of my day is derailed.
It's not just those people I have flashbacks about, the same thing happens with every single person I've had in my life that has left, I can remember our conversations and thinking to myself how much of an idiot I was to not realize the red flags sooner, I would have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache if I had the ability to do that.
I think about my future and see more of the same happening, more friendships ending, words that people say just being lies, hopefully no more physical abuse though, I've had quite enough of that.
My past is one of the biggest reasons why I fear people, why I try so hard to warn them that getting to know me would be a mistake. People think I'm rude when I immediately wall off someones attempt at trying to be a friend to me, well when you've gone through what I have, your trust in people is absolute zero.
No one has ever truly been there to listen to me tell my story though, they might of thought they were, but I can tell when a person isn't interested. I wish people would flat out tell me immediately that they don't care, instead of wasting my time and making me be vulnerable for no reason.
I didn't have the easiest life growing up, it was filled with years of physical and mental abuse by people who are no longer in my life, but just because they are no longer in it that doesn't mean the flashbacks and mental assaults of their words repeated that cut to the bone don't exist.
I have forgiven these people for what they did, but that doesn't mean the mental wounds I suffered have healed. I can just be going along with my day with something else on my mind when out of nowhere I can hear myself mentally scream and then the flood of memories come pouring back in and the rest of my day is derailed.
It's not just those people I have flashbacks about, the same thing happens with every single person I've had in my life that has left, I can remember our conversations and thinking to myself how much of an idiot I was to not realize the red flags sooner, I would have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache if I had the ability to do that.
I think about my future and see more of the same happening, more friendships ending, words that people say just being lies, hopefully no more physical abuse though, I've had quite enough of that.
My past is one of the biggest reasons why I fear people, why I try so hard to warn them that getting to know me would be a mistake. People think I'm rude when I immediately wall off someones attempt at trying to be a friend to me, well when you've gone through what I have, your trust in people is absolute zero.
No one has ever truly been there to listen to me tell my story though, they might of thought they were, but I can tell when a person isn't interested. I wish people would flat out tell me immediately that they don't care, instead of wasting my time and making me be vulnerable for no reason.
