Here is a theory about Depression in several parts, form someone who has "major depressive disorder" for a while, feel free to skip parts you not interested in, they all are pretty independent.
All i write is based on my own experience and observations, it's not a medical advice of any kind.
All i write is based on my own experience and observations, it's not a medical advice of any kind.
My Struggle
I never used alcohol or drugs nor smoked, so i experienced effects of depression at full extend with crystal clean perception. To say depression had massive impact on quality of my life, is to say nothing, i could compare it to biblical hell except torture is mental and i don't know what causing it, so all i could do is to live with it. Sincerely i don't know if it really bad to that extent because depression been part of my daily life for more than 10 years and i don't remember feeling anything positive anymore. I always been good at eliminated wrong thinking patterns so i did not lose my mind or become suicidal, but my life turned in constant loneliness and sadness, nothing i do brings joy.
There are moments when depression lets go of me to some extent, but even then i don't feel 100% cured just don't feel very sad and apathetic as usual, until steadily it comes back again. Its like the ocean sometimes its calm just few waves, but big storm starts every 1-3 months and could lasts for weeks putting me in emotional agony.
Being an Aspie comes with its own "perks" and one of them is difficulty making social connections, in my case it was extremely difficult because i also had Aphasia, could not make long sentences and forgot what i was talking about before i finished, my speech got substantially better in my early 20's.
My ability to communicate is still greatly affected by aphasia i might cut out in middle of conversation not knowing what to say next and people get offended thinking i am giving them a silent treatment.
Psychological complexes acquired throughout early period of my life is another obstacle for socializing.
To name a few i talk very quietly sometime as quiet that person standing in front of me cannot hear what i am saying.
Another one i call "gone in sixty seconds" syndrome because if i happen to start a random conversation with stranger i involuntarily end it and i be on my way in under a minute.
Being worried makes me do even more verbal mistakes that just reinforces my fears of stigmatization so its like a never ending loop, more more worried i get, more mistakes i make and more i prove to myself that reasons behind my complexes are valid so its tough to get rid of them.
Whatever people i hang out with in childhood were just a few and after graduating school i never had any friends or acquaintances ever since.
With few people i communicated I could not share anything about my true feeling because its considered "not cool" in our society to show weakness or talk about something negative especially one's emotional problems, like others are afraid they going to catch depression from talking to me...
When i ever start talking about my problems get dry short responses like "its going to be okay" followed by a silence, feels like in reality what they mean is "can't care less about your problems".
Bottom line despite everyone pretend to be good (just a social requirement) no one really cares about others, except how to use them for their own gain, i was left one on one with my depression.
Psychiatrist i went to know looked at me so biased like she already know my diagnosis before i said a word and shortly after i got a prescription, not even a word about counseling was said, like i was a just another patient (their piece of bread) not a living feeling being.
Counselors little better at least they pretend to care and listen, before session time is over that is. Then they cut you off in the middle of your thought and say "okay, see you next week" and i left to deal with my problems in solitude for yet another week. I live in center of Los Angeles and despite of that i am in total a social isolation.
From what i can tell now major reason for my depression is lack of communication with others, no matter how many times in the past i said to myself that i don't need anyone and i am good by myself - its a lie. Reality of situation any human being needs social interactions its part of our biological programming.
I noticed that more i go out and talk to people even at when i simply talk to cashier in grocery store or ask a question i am feeling better.
