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Online dating pt.2

  • Author Author Onna
  • Create date Create date
  • Blog entry read time Blog entry read time 3 min read
Physically my heart feels as though it’s crying. I’m not though.

I got it wrong again.

After my last online dating disaster, I had picked myself up and decided to try again. I started talking to someone new. We liked each other, we were making plans to meet etc.

During our conversations I had noticed that when I asked him a question, he often used one word answers.
I had to point it out didn’t I!
I replied:
“you don’t like small talk do you? I’m not a huge fan either btw, I engage because other people seem to enjoy it, on the other hand it’s useful in getting to know a persons character, so I hope you don’t mind me waffling on!”

He normally messages back quite quickly. He didn’t this time.
By the evening I suspected I’d definitely said something wrong. I re-read the message I’d sent, looked at it from his point of view... realised it didn’t look good!

I wonder if I had put a ‘lol’ or a laughing emoji after: “I engage because other people seem to enjoy it” then maybe it wouldn’t have sounded like such a disaster. Because at the end of the day, not embracing small talk isn’t that big a deal is it? It’s not like I don’t do small talk, it just doesn’t appeal to me.

I may have then made it worse.

Hoping to have not scared the **** out of him I sent another message. It said:
“Just read that back, it didn’t make sense I’m an introvert is what I’m trying to say”.

Nope, he didn’t like that, he didn’t reply. In fact I think he may have blocked me. When I go to my messages he’s not there anymore, the last guys messages are still there.
When I realised he’d done a runner, I felt a very sudden intense dull pain in my chest stomach and throat... fear I think?

Then a quick feeling of dread and/or disappointment.

I felt a little panicky, and decided to start writing this blog entry to distract me.

I seriously need to re-evaluate what I’m doing. I’m feeling like either online dating just doesn’t help my cause, or I’ve become more autistic since my diagnosis.

I know that face to face, if I say something that gets a negative response from the non autistic, I can fix it. I can usually laugh and correct myself, or I’ll apologise and laugh and change the subject, or explain in further detail what I’m trying to express. Either way the impression I leave with people face to face, is that I truly am friendly, I’m intelligent and I mean well, but occasionally appear a bit ‘dippy’.
I don’t know if before my diagnosis I was this bad at social communication, or, if being given the chance to correct myself in person is what makes people not mind my awkwardness.

Problem is, I live in a small town, I don’t drive. I’m not good at meeting new people. What the heck am I supposed to do? I’m feeling lonely, I just fancy some company, some fun.

Anyway I’m starting to feel depressed, and I haven’t felt down in a long time. It’s as though I can literally feel my brain chemistry shifting. Now this is going to sound really odd, but, although it sucks to feel low... a part of me is a little bit relieved?
I kind of feel as though I need to be knocked of my pedestal a bit, I need to re-experience negativity in order to evolve again. I’m hoping I’ll find a comfortable balance between masking and being autistic.

In the meantime, I just need to chill and ride out these uncomfortable and confusing emotions.

Comments

V
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
 
Onna
Echo said:
Hello Onna, nice to meet you! I just read a more recent post of yours about dating (the lego gifter) and thought I'd comment, briefly.

I find that when I text with people I use a lot of emojis for fear they'll misunderstand my meaning in the absence of facial expressions..... but, shockingly, they still misunderstand me much of the time!

Texting is a poor excuse for communicating.

Sure, it's less intimidating than a phone call. (I'm horrible at calling people, personally.) But there's so much room for misunderstanding while texting! I think it's perfectly fine if you already know the person fairly well, and their method of speaking/writing, but with people we barely know it's a plain full of land mines.

Maybe dating apps will be less helpful than, for instance, special interest groups through meetup.com?
Click to expand...
Hi! nice to meet you too echo. I think you’re absolutely spot on, texting is proving to be a huge, huge barrier. For people particularly on the spectrum it just doesn’t work well. And especially when one of the people texting is already an over thinker... recipe for disaster! And your right about the meetups too, although it’s not great if you’re the kind of person who avoids social settings. But we have to make sacrifices in life to get what we want I guess.
 
Onna
Vince said:
Since I make more mistakes real-time talking than writing, I actually kind of like texting more. We're all different though.
But I can offer some practical advice maybe.
I do write things in a way that can be taken the wrong way. Actually we all do - consider what a common thing it is for YouTube comments (for example) to go terribly off the rails between every type of person under the sun!
Anyway, I've learned to resist the urge to send off texts right away. Now I write a text without sending it, turn it off and go do something else for a while, then come back to re-read it before sending. If it doesn't read accurate to what I think I mean to say, I'll edit then go off for a bit again. I don't send texts until they survive a later re-reading.
I don't do this on every text since often I'll text something mundane. But when I'm trying to communicate something important, I try to do this every time.
Click to expand...
That’s brilliant! and something I’ve tried myself. I’m literally having to pull my phone from my hand, stash it under a pillow or similar, and walk away for a while. Communicating through text with a stranger is still very new to me, so I’m still making awkward mistakes. However it’s a good learning experience, so I’m greatful for that at least. Plus I don’t like to give up!
 
Onna
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
Vince so now I’m really curious what happened? my thoughts that she’s asked for your email address to share her feelings, actually sounds positive to me. I’ve revealed my diagnosis with people I’ve been communicating with for a couple of weeks and they just ghost me. I’d love a bloody email :-)
I hope it’s a positive one for you. Even if it’s now complex, and a situation where you have to work through things together, it’s positive if she’s willing.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
Well I can't say the incoming email was negative even though it was pretty much what I expected. Going through this experience has ultimately been a positive thing since I learned some important things about myself which will likely be helpful moving forward.
I had much more, but character limit is squelching me.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
Anyway, the short story is we agreed that we aren't a "good match". She said she wants to be friends and catch up in the future, I'm an amazing person, yada yada... Well I have extremely and undeniably strong evidence from history showing I really just don't have "friends" - I have one over the past 20 years and mostly because we have similar skills and help each other out with projects now and then.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
It's not all bad. The past couple days I've realized that it's best for everyone that I remain on my own. I'm more comfortable with that anyway and it's a struggle for others to interact with me. I'm certainly not recommending anyone else do this, but for me it works out OK.
So yeah, things worked out leaning toward the positive though it likely appears to those outside to be lonely or sad or something. It's really not, it's just different and I'm fine with it.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
By the way, there isn't a causal line between things working out this way and me admitting some label. There are at least a half-dozen clear reasons why my situation turned out this way, my informal diagnosis being only a small part of it. Folks usually advise that announcing a diagnosis should be on a case-by-case basis and carefully at that. Seems like good advice to me.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
Also, communicating in writing these past few times with the girl I was dating has been more effective than doing it in person for me, I'm sure of that. But I always have to qualify that it's just best in my case, as we are all different and it's certain that people need to do what works best for them. After all, someone with social deficits aren't exactly a go-to source for social advice. ;)
 
Onna
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
But how do you go from being ‘persistently depressed’ and wishing you hadn’t said anything, to being ok with being on your own?
Is it that you’re over the situation already? Was the initial disappointment more to do with making a ‘mistake’ in NTville or because you’ll genuinely miss that person? I hope you don’t mind me asking.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
There's a couple reasons. First, we dated for just a few weeks, so fortunately or not, we didn't get the chance to invest time or emotions to getting really close. So the fact that it fell apart was only mildly heartbreaking and, from my side, not all that surprising (me being me and all).
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
Second, I'm in my 50's and I've been alone and on my own for most of those years. I'm not recommending anyone follow my example as it's not a good one, but for a guy like me who's become very used to being alone, it's just a matter of falling back on what I already know, i.e. life becomes what it was a month ago <shrug>. It's the easy, lazy way out.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
I can't say I'm "over it". But I do know I will be. I've been through things so many times at my age that I know I'll be OK soon enough. I still wish I hadn't told her about it. I would have eventually. But my brain works in one way and I assumed hers would understand it the way mine did. A couple minutes after telling her I realized I should have thought about it and come up with a better way.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
Sure I'll miss her for a while. But I have my distractions which have served me for forever, and I'll just settle in to my old routine in a little while.
My story here is a bit of a warning if one is similar enough to me. I do still crave a loving relationship which I may never be able to have. Just not as acute as it was when I was younger. If I had known I was AS a couple decades ago, I could have worked on some strategies to better function in the social world by now.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
Too bad you don't live down the street. We could be each other's morale support.
Looking back at my posts though, I'd more likely make a young person scared of the future if they projected their future might look like my present. You stand a MUCH better chance of learning skills to get the resultant life you desire. Just knowing what you're dealing with is such a huge help. just keep plugging away and try to be patient. You'll race past me in no time. Actually, you no doubt already have.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
Sorry so verbose, but I just had one important thought.
I spent waaay too many of my younger years trying to be someone I just wasn't. Turns out that was a huge waste of time. It's very important to be who you really are, because you will be much happier starting there. Then you can improve how well you play the hand you're dealt and it just keeps getting better from there. I think you can do great if you do that. But it's a very bad idea to try to be something you're not.
 
V
Vince said:
(part 2)
On revealing the label, I feel your pain. I was dating a girl for a couple weeks after a 15-year hiatus off the scene (Yeah, I'm old). I have been doing this texting technique for a while but I just recently realized I'm AS. Our last date (just a couple days ago) I told her what I discovered and it didn't go over well. It's just been a couple days but I'm fully aware what's going on. She asked for my email address because "she's been thinking" and needs a longer form method to tell me what's on her mind. I might be paranoid, but it's not likely. I'm actually unusually good at reading between the lines (these days anyway - not so great at it when younger) and there's a 1% chance we're not "breaking up". I kind of feel like the inevitable email and subsequent short conversations are just a formality, which seems kind of unnecessary and fake to my aspie brain. I've been pretty persistently depressed about it and wished I'd just kept my trap shut. I prefer to understand things and of course I assumed she'd want to as well, but of course I would think that, right?

Anyway, try the delayed texting thing if you can and see if that works better for you.
Click to expand...
I finally figured out how to be myself 15 years ago and have been much more comfortable since then. Had I been aware I was AS and spent time getting better at dealing with that since then, I would be sooo much better off by now. Like I said, knowing it is a huge help. I ain't dead yet ;) and plan to try to work some of this stuff out. Sure I'm a bit late, but it can't but help even now.
 

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