Hi.
It's being a rollercoaster of emotions all together this month. Slowly, I'm getting truly burned due to my constant feelings for him, along side with my economic stress, family issues and really bad stuff happening to the ones now I consider my friends. I have no one to talk about it without getting bored due to my monotony. So the best place to share this, even if no one replies, it's here.
My brain can only think about him. It's sickening. I daydreaming about him a lot and I hate it because I know it will never happen. I've lost my appetite these days because every time I find him in the hallways or in class, my stomach goes upside down. My anxiety is going crazy because I feel he notices my weirdness constantly. When I go to sleep, I dream about him too, and it's not nice. I dream about how he ignores me and focuses on other people. I get truly sad. However, I know it's the rules in life. He's in another league and I'm not in a movie.
I really try not to do stim or self-regulate in front of him, but I do jump, move my arms, do all that I don't want to show him because I know it's exactly the last reason he needs to disgust him.
However, I can't control myself. I get so so so nervous I can't shut up. I can't stay still, I can't fake my emotions. I can't pretend I'm a neurotypical student. I become a mess. I forget years of training to control all I am. For some reason, I can't fake in front of him. Like if something told me to be myself in front of him. That he may like it. Maybe it's just my stupid hope. Maybe it's just that somehow I might be lucky one day in love and someone, who I like, will like me too. Maybe it's just the hope of getting to live a normal romantic life too. As I just hope for that daily. Because I only need to be loved by someone. To be hugged and supported like just another human being in this earth.
And it's hurting like hell that I know it won't be him. I find myself crying. Being so ridiculous as if I was sixteen years old crying for my first love. However, damn, it's my first love as I'd never felt like this for anyone else before. I hate love because it makes me do stuff I find shameful, it makes me be a version of myself I can't control. It makes me show the me I hate. The me I know everyone hates too. And at least I don't want him to hate me. At least, I just want that.
Today, one of my friends took me a hat of those whose ears move by pressing two paws. I love to stim with that and I guess I will take it to class more days because its texture is seriously comforting. Then, I took it off (I wear it as a scarf because I know the clue in society that hat isn't acceptable) to do a presentation in his class.
The story is the following. In class, we're separated in six groups of four/five people. Then, when we finish a part of the book, each team do a summary of each seen page. My team got the instrumental. Then, two of my teammates did the written summary and as they never want to speak aloud, I picked up the task, honestly just to show off in front of him. However, suddenly the teacher sent them to speak in front of the class, not on our seats as last time. Then, in my team happened two things, the two girls who wrote the summary started to complain about, but my friend who did nothing because she wasn't okay that day started to ask me what she should say not to leave me alone with all the explanation. We prepared it all among us, while the other two said nothing.
After three groups had explained their pages, it was turn of another team, but suddenly he looked at my group and said "I want you to go out before then", but unluckily, the time of class ended and we couldn't. I found it weird that he changed it, but didn't think about it too much.
Today, we came back to his class and continued with this exercise. Surprisingly, he didn't change it asthe last day (maybe he didn't remember it, who knows). The fact is that the group was interrogated just a few times by him while exposing. Nothing weird in him. And it was our turn. We went out and I helped my friend to find a marker which worked. She started to draw a tooth on the board and explained her part really well. Then, I started to speak my part. I hadn't even finished the first line when he was already asking stuff. I answered correctly, continued explained and was interrupted again with a "can you draw it?". He started then a game of draw me all I ask, answer me even stuff we haven't seen in class, explain literally everything we've seen. I was shocked, my friend was shocked. I had to draw all the instrumental according to their real size, put their parts. I felt seriously tested. But I could answer everything correctly, I could pass this test with dignity. A strange ambient was created between us, as if class wasn't there. I forgot twenty people were watching me, because I could only think of what he was saying. We even dialogued a few times, and he only asked me. We were four and he was asking me. One of the girls, at the very end, tried to participate by answering a few times if I got to think of that, but I immediately cut her off by answering too. I felt somehow powerful doing that incredible job, even if I know it's hated by many of them because they can't do that as easy as I SEEMED to do it.
They never saw my work behind it. The hours studying. How much attention I pay in class. The effort following the lessons, taking notes, doing summaries and drawings to help my memory. But in specific, they will never see the anxiety I must control to do that, the fears I must stop to speak up, moreover in front of him. The titanic effort I do everytime I overcome myself in that way. And as they will criticize me without knowing all of that, just knowing the teachers and my friends are proud of my work is enough.
Then, going back to the presentation. When I thought it was over, he suddenly said "now do a small recap of everything". I literally wanted to cry because I noticed the summary the other two girls had done was even wrong and I had to remember the 75% of what I said. However, my friend did her recap, I did mine and I saw his satisfied face when we could go back to our seats. I guess I've passed his test. Because when the last group went out, he asked just a few times to another person, but ended really fast.
After, I asked my friends and all of them think that he truly got me tested in a very complicated way. One of my friends even said "he has feeling with our group... And more with you... not to test you... but to show the teenagers that they must have active braincells and not on vacation... What's more... I tell you he would go partying with you and we would go too. So don't think too much, he has liked it, he sees potential in you". I was shocked because she was a women in her fourties, her vision of the world is way more mature than people of my age and she's not interested in romantic adventures in youth. So the fact she said that, I couldn't help but ask "more with me? Why with me?" and she was like "you convey a lot of positive things... and it shows... and you make others feels comfortable".
I was shocked to hear that. I do wonder if he feels comfortable with me. If he does like my potential and if he trusts my ability to work and convey an image for the people in my class. I'm seriously happy if it's so. Because I want him to see further than just my ugly face. Even if it's just my intellingence.
However, there was a detail I found truly weird. Today, a friend and I accompanied another friend to talk with a teacher so we went up stairs and waited in front of the teachers' room. Then, the psychology's teacher appeared and said "what are you doing here? Are you waiting for (our tutor)?" and we said yes. And she went way. Then, he got out of the room and saw ud, approached to us and said "are you waiting for me?" while looking at me and staying like I don't know why closer than I expected. I could only say a very embarrassed no, I couldn't even keep his eyes while being that close. My other two friends were shocked and he went away too.
Maybe if you had been there, you would have seen something normal that a teacher worried about his students. Maybe I'm just telling my point of view which is distorted by love. But I swear it was like he was waiting to hear something from us, and maybe I'm truly narcissist, but I would swear he was waiting something from me. But as I say I misunderstand people a lot. And probably, he was just doing his job as teacher.
However, it made me think that I could talk about it with him. I could ask him for a moment and tell him what's happening inside of me. Tell him I like him in a spiritual way. Explain him I'm not asking him for going out or alike, just expressing what I need to get out of me and promising nothing will change in our classes. For some reason I want to think he won't laugh at me or be mean. Probably he will hate such experience. I'm doing this out of my own egoism. But a part of me really needs him to know. But another part of me needs to wait and see what happens. As if I was waiting for a sign.
Then, what should I do? Should I confess my feelings for him or let it pass as it never happened?
Tomoya 08/11/2022 10:09 PM
It's being a rollercoaster of emotions all together this month. Slowly, I'm getting truly burned due to my constant feelings for him, along side with my economic stress, family issues and really bad stuff happening to the ones now I consider my friends. I have no one to talk about it without getting bored due to my monotony. So the best place to share this, even if no one replies, it's here.
My brain can only think about him. It's sickening. I daydreaming about him a lot and I hate it because I know it will never happen. I've lost my appetite these days because every time I find him in the hallways or in class, my stomach goes upside down. My anxiety is going crazy because I feel he notices my weirdness constantly. When I go to sleep, I dream about him too, and it's not nice. I dream about how he ignores me and focuses on other people. I get truly sad. However, I know it's the rules in life. He's in another league and I'm not in a movie.
I really try not to do stim or self-regulate in front of him, but I do jump, move my arms, do all that I don't want to show him because I know it's exactly the last reason he needs to disgust him.
However, I can't control myself. I get so so so nervous I can't shut up. I can't stay still, I can't fake my emotions. I can't pretend I'm a neurotypical student. I become a mess. I forget years of training to control all I am. For some reason, I can't fake in front of him. Like if something told me to be myself in front of him. That he may like it. Maybe it's just my stupid hope. Maybe it's just that somehow I might be lucky one day in love and someone, who I like, will like me too. Maybe it's just the hope of getting to live a normal romantic life too. As I just hope for that daily. Because I only need to be loved by someone. To be hugged and supported like just another human being in this earth.
And it's hurting like hell that I know it won't be him. I find myself crying. Being so ridiculous as if I was sixteen years old crying for my first love. However, damn, it's my first love as I'd never felt like this for anyone else before. I hate love because it makes me do stuff I find shameful, it makes me be a version of myself I can't control. It makes me show the me I hate. The me I know everyone hates too. And at least I don't want him to hate me. At least, I just want that.
Today, one of my friends took me a hat of those whose ears move by pressing two paws. I love to stim with that and I guess I will take it to class more days because its texture is seriously comforting. Then, I took it off (I wear it as a scarf because I know the clue in society that hat isn't acceptable) to do a presentation in his class.
The story is the following. In class, we're separated in six groups of four/five people. Then, when we finish a part of the book, each team do a summary of each seen page. My team got the instrumental. Then, two of my teammates did the written summary and as they never want to speak aloud, I picked up the task, honestly just to show off in front of him. However, suddenly the teacher sent them to speak in front of the class, not on our seats as last time. Then, in my team happened two things, the two girls who wrote the summary started to complain about, but my friend who did nothing because she wasn't okay that day started to ask me what she should say not to leave me alone with all the explanation. We prepared it all among us, while the other two said nothing.
After three groups had explained their pages, it was turn of another team, but suddenly he looked at my group and said "I want you to go out before then", but unluckily, the time of class ended and we couldn't. I found it weird that he changed it, but didn't think about it too much.
Today, we came back to his class and continued with this exercise. Surprisingly, he didn't change it asthe last day (maybe he didn't remember it, who knows). The fact is that the group was interrogated just a few times by him while exposing. Nothing weird in him. And it was our turn. We went out and I helped my friend to find a marker which worked. She started to draw a tooth on the board and explained her part really well. Then, I started to speak my part. I hadn't even finished the first line when he was already asking stuff. I answered correctly, continued explained and was interrupted again with a "can you draw it?". He started then a game of draw me all I ask, answer me even stuff we haven't seen in class, explain literally everything we've seen. I was shocked, my friend was shocked. I had to draw all the instrumental according to their real size, put their parts. I felt seriously tested. But I could answer everything correctly, I could pass this test with dignity. A strange ambient was created between us, as if class wasn't there. I forgot twenty people were watching me, because I could only think of what he was saying. We even dialogued a few times, and he only asked me. We were four and he was asking me. One of the girls, at the very end, tried to participate by answering a few times if I got to think of that, but I immediately cut her off by answering too. I felt somehow powerful doing that incredible job, even if I know it's hated by many of them because they can't do that as easy as I SEEMED to do it.
They never saw my work behind it. The hours studying. How much attention I pay in class. The effort following the lessons, taking notes, doing summaries and drawings to help my memory. But in specific, they will never see the anxiety I must control to do that, the fears I must stop to speak up, moreover in front of him. The titanic effort I do everytime I overcome myself in that way. And as they will criticize me without knowing all of that, just knowing the teachers and my friends are proud of my work is enough.
Then, going back to the presentation. When I thought it was over, he suddenly said "now do a small recap of everything". I literally wanted to cry because I noticed the summary the other two girls had done was even wrong and I had to remember the 75% of what I said. However, my friend did her recap, I did mine and I saw his satisfied face when we could go back to our seats. I guess I've passed his test. Because when the last group went out, he asked just a few times to another person, but ended really fast.
After, I asked my friends and all of them think that he truly got me tested in a very complicated way. One of my friends even said "he has feeling with our group... And more with you... not to test you... but to show the teenagers that they must have active braincells and not on vacation... What's more... I tell you he would go partying with you and we would go too. So don't think too much, he has liked it, he sees potential in you". I was shocked because she was a women in her fourties, her vision of the world is way more mature than people of my age and she's not interested in romantic adventures in youth. So the fact she said that, I couldn't help but ask "more with me? Why with me?" and she was like "you convey a lot of positive things... and it shows... and you make others feels comfortable".
I was shocked to hear that. I do wonder if he feels comfortable with me. If he does like my potential and if he trusts my ability to work and convey an image for the people in my class. I'm seriously happy if it's so. Because I want him to see further than just my ugly face. Even if it's just my intellingence.
However, there was a detail I found truly weird. Today, a friend and I accompanied another friend to talk with a teacher so we went up stairs and waited in front of the teachers' room. Then, the psychology's teacher appeared and said "what are you doing here? Are you waiting for (our tutor)?" and we said yes. And she went way. Then, he got out of the room and saw ud, approached to us and said "are you waiting for me?" while looking at me and staying like I don't know why closer than I expected. I could only say a very embarrassed no, I couldn't even keep his eyes while being that close. My other two friends were shocked and he went away too.
Maybe if you had been there, you would have seen something normal that a teacher worried about his students. Maybe I'm just telling my point of view which is distorted by love. But I swear it was like he was waiting to hear something from us, and maybe I'm truly narcissist, but I would swear he was waiting something from me. But as I say I misunderstand people a lot. And probably, he was just doing his job as teacher.
However, it made me think that I could talk about it with him. I could ask him for a moment and tell him what's happening inside of me. Tell him I like him in a spiritual way. Explain him I'm not asking him for going out or alike, just expressing what I need to get out of me and promising nothing will change in our classes. For some reason I want to think he won't laugh at me or be mean. Probably he will hate such experience. I'm doing this out of my own egoism. But a part of me really needs him to know. But another part of me needs to wait and see what happens. As if I was waiting for a sign.
Then, what should I do? Should I confess my feelings for him or let it pass as it never happened?
Tomoya 08/11/2022 10:09 PM
