Hi.
Yesterday I decided that the best way to solve my anxiety and uncertainty regarding my teacher was going straight to him and confess. Not in a way to get a chance, but a way to hit myself with the reality and make my brain understand it's impossible that my feelings will ever be answered.
But exactly today, from six hours of classes, one teacher couldn't make it and we had four free hours where I worked so hard not to think about what I was going to do after classes. It was hell, a very weird morning, I felt deeply at unease because it wasn't a regular Friday, and that just supposed more anxiety into my veins.
For more coincidences, it wasn't two hours with him as teacher, but three as he took care of us an additional one. I was literally wanting to cry, wondering why today it must happen all of this, but okay, I breathed and when he entered class, I approached and asked if we could talk privately after classes. He agreed, now it was just a matter of time and bravery.
We studied his lessons, I could touch real human bones, it was really satisfying and relaxed me a bit to be honest. But when the real time to speak came, I was almost fainting from anxiety. I've never wanted to run away like that in my life. I wanted to vomit, I wanted to cry, I wanted to run far as fast as possible, I just wanted to call it a day and get into my bed not to ever going out again. But I didn't, because I didn't think correctly. I didn't think what would happen to me with anxiety and OCD/social phobia after talking with him.
The thing is that I started to tell him about other people to break the ice and go around the bush as I wasn't able to say it. But he knew that wasn't what I intended to say and asked me straight what it was. Then, I kind of remember (because I've already blocked it) that I said "I have social phobia, and even if I don't look as such, I'm also autistic" (he got like wow, I have no idea why though) "And lately something's happening to me. I can't focus, I can't study, I can't stop the anxiety, I'm not okay in class and I've been struggling a lot lately". His serious face didn't change even a little bit in the whole while. But his eyes didn't leave my face and I was just panicking from anxiety.
Then I remember I say "Do I spit it out?" and he nodded, "I like you". At that moment I realized what I was doing, what the hell I had just said and froze. Literally my brain froze, my body froze. My whole soul froze because I understood I couldn't go backwards, he knew already, I should keep going no matter what. So I started "I have no idea how this happened. I never do this, but I'm seriously struggling. I have no idea if it's because of Autism, but people started to create birds in my head with "what if's" and it got worse so when I spoke to someone, she told me the better way was to talk it with you and that's what I'm doing so you will put a wall between us... Not a wall" I collapsed and he started talking, roughly it was this "I get you, don't worry. It's normal, a lot of people have this... delusion, fantasy (I was deeply bothered he called my feelings like a delusion, but yeah of course he'd call it as that as I seriously don't know him as a person, but just as teacher). Moreover, I'm a young person. At your age, everyone may suffer from that, even me *laughs*".
"But I am 22 years old" I'm not a kid to be playing around like this, I'm not a hormoned teenager that just thinks about love, I'm someone who expressed no sexual desire about other humans and feels love is unreachable in my life. And I remember he just said "Yeah... But don't worry, I'm not angry or bothered about this. I'm glad you felt with the trust enough to come and tell me". I was happy to hear this? A part of my brain cannot truly believe his words, as if he was just being nice so he wouldn't hurt my feelings. I could only say "okay". Then, I rushed to pick up my stuff and hear behind me "and I see you more relaxed now". He truly wanted me to see the good in this matter, but I was totally blind by the thought "what have I done". It was a nightmare came true. So I started to babble about anxiety or how I was shaking and decided to run to the exit and stop talking. I was searching for a hole to hide.
But as social clues tell me it's disrespectful not to wait for the other person to come out, I waited for him, not really knowing if I was doing correct. I kept walking beside him, mainteining a lot of distance. I went mute. And he opened the door for me and told me "don't worry, we've talked about it and that's it, relax now". So I kept repeating "yeah, okay". But as fast as he said goodbye to me, I muttered a farewell and ran. Literally ran outside, searching for my classmates who weren't there. I wanted to cry, to run so fast until drowning, but I just played my music and desired to reach my home as soon as possible.
I have no idea if I did well. I have no idea if what he told me is his real thoughts. I know he's kind and empathetic. But I put him in a sensitive spot. My explanations were horrendous. Maybe all the image he got of me was just another one who likes my face. And that's not it. I couldn't even explain to him the connection I felt. But to be honest, thanks God I didn't because it would be just added to my sense of shame and ridiculousness.
I just hope he will still believe in me as a good student who wanted to solve this matter, not to try anything or ask for something else. Exactly yesterday we did a small test and today I got 10/10. He congratulated me, so I hope it will keep as this. That I didn't ruin anything. At least I want a good teacher-student dynamic with him. If that's all I will get in this tragic story.
I'm starting not to be so upset, because in the end, the very first person I've liked has just rejected me, so it hurts. But in the other side, I'm calm. So maybe I did well. Who knows.
I will only find out with time, but until seeing him again (on Tuesday), I can heal myself properly and start anew.
Everything will work out somehow. Somehow.
Tomoya 11/11/2022 7:01PM
Yesterday I decided that the best way to solve my anxiety and uncertainty regarding my teacher was going straight to him and confess. Not in a way to get a chance, but a way to hit myself with the reality and make my brain understand it's impossible that my feelings will ever be answered.
But exactly today, from six hours of classes, one teacher couldn't make it and we had four free hours where I worked so hard not to think about what I was going to do after classes. It was hell, a very weird morning, I felt deeply at unease because it wasn't a regular Friday, and that just supposed more anxiety into my veins.
For more coincidences, it wasn't two hours with him as teacher, but three as he took care of us an additional one. I was literally wanting to cry, wondering why today it must happen all of this, but okay, I breathed and when he entered class, I approached and asked if we could talk privately after classes. He agreed, now it was just a matter of time and bravery.
We studied his lessons, I could touch real human bones, it was really satisfying and relaxed me a bit to be honest. But when the real time to speak came, I was almost fainting from anxiety. I've never wanted to run away like that in my life. I wanted to vomit, I wanted to cry, I wanted to run far as fast as possible, I just wanted to call it a day and get into my bed not to ever going out again. But I didn't, because I didn't think correctly. I didn't think what would happen to me with anxiety and OCD/social phobia after talking with him.
The thing is that I started to tell him about other people to break the ice and go around the bush as I wasn't able to say it. But he knew that wasn't what I intended to say and asked me straight what it was. Then, I kind of remember (because I've already blocked it) that I said "I have social phobia, and even if I don't look as such, I'm also autistic" (he got like wow, I have no idea why though) "And lately something's happening to me. I can't focus, I can't study, I can't stop the anxiety, I'm not okay in class and I've been struggling a lot lately". His serious face didn't change even a little bit in the whole while. But his eyes didn't leave my face and I was just panicking from anxiety.
Then I remember I say "Do I spit it out?" and he nodded, "I like you". At that moment I realized what I was doing, what the hell I had just said and froze. Literally my brain froze, my body froze. My whole soul froze because I understood I couldn't go backwards, he knew already, I should keep going no matter what. So I started "I have no idea how this happened. I never do this, but I'm seriously struggling. I have no idea if it's because of Autism, but people started to create birds in my head with "what if's" and it got worse so when I spoke to someone, she told me the better way was to talk it with you and that's what I'm doing so you will put a wall between us... Not a wall" I collapsed and he started talking, roughly it was this "I get you, don't worry. It's normal, a lot of people have this... delusion, fantasy (I was deeply bothered he called my feelings like a delusion, but yeah of course he'd call it as that as I seriously don't know him as a person, but just as teacher). Moreover, I'm a young person. At your age, everyone may suffer from that, even me *laughs*".
"But I am 22 years old" I'm not a kid to be playing around like this, I'm not a hormoned teenager that just thinks about love, I'm someone who expressed no sexual desire about other humans and feels love is unreachable in my life. And I remember he just said "Yeah... But don't worry, I'm not angry or bothered about this. I'm glad you felt with the trust enough to come and tell me". I was happy to hear this? A part of my brain cannot truly believe his words, as if he was just being nice so he wouldn't hurt my feelings. I could only say "okay". Then, I rushed to pick up my stuff and hear behind me "and I see you more relaxed now". He truly wanted me to see the good in this matter, but I was totally blind by the thought "what have I done". It was a nightmare came true. So I started to babble about anxiety or how I was shaking and decided to run to the exit and stop talking. I was searching for a hole to hide.
But as social clues tell me it's disrespectful not to wait for the other person to come out, I waited for him, not really knowing if I was doing correct. I kept walking beside him, mainteining a lot of distance. I went mute. And he opened the door for me and told me "don't worry, we've talked about it and that's it, relax now". So I kept repeating "yeah, okay". But as fast as he said goodbye to me, I muttered a farewell and ran. Literally ran outside, searching for my classmates who weren't there. I wanted to cry, to run so fast until drowning, but I just played my music and desired to reach my home as soon as possible.
I have no idea if I did well. I have no idea if what he told me is his real thoughts. I know he's kind and empathetic. But I put him in a sensitive spot. My explanations were horrendous. Maybe all the image he got of me was just another one who likes my face. And that's not it. I couldn't even explain to him the connection I felt. But to be honest, thanks God I didn't because it would be just added to my sense of shame and ridiculousness.
I just hope he will still believe in me as a good student who wanted to solve this matter, not to try anything or ask for something else. Exactly yesterday we did a small test and today I got 10/10. He congratulated me, so I hope it will keep as this. That I didn't ruin anything. At least I want a good teacher-student dynamic with him. If that's all I will get in this tragic story.
I'm starting not to be so upset, because in the end, the very first person I've liked has just rejected me, so it hurts. But in the other side, I'm calm. So maybe I did well. Who knows.
I will only find out with time, but until seeing him again (on Tuesday), I can heal myself properly and start anew.
Everything will work out somehow. Somehow.
Tomoya 11/11/2022 7:01PM
