Not another one! Sheesh!!

"Blaming myself and sounding pathetic,
Has to be my founding aesthetic."

Definitely doesn't sound very healthy for one's self-esteem!

Tired said:

"Blaming myself and sounding pathetic,
Has to be my founding aesthetic."

Definitely doesn't sound very healthy for one's self-esteem!

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You've probably had the fortune not to read most of my previous one's then?
I've made a lifetimes study (and practice) of self deprecation - because every self inflicted strike is one I've got in before anyone else can! And my own low blows are far less painful than someone else's. I've got so good at it now, it seems a shame to waste all that experience and talent for self abuse (of both kinds! ).
The perfect suit of reactive armour to shroud my fragile little ego in and hide from the world.

So the 'founding aesthetic' bit was not just because it rhymed well!

Boogs said:

You've probably had the fortune not to read most of my previous one's then?
I've made a lifetimes study (and practice) of self deprecation - because every self inflicted strike is one I've got in before anyone else can! And my own low blows are far less painful than someone else's. I've got so good at it now, it seems a shame to waste all that experience and talent for self abuse (of both kinds! ).
The perfect suit of reactive armour to shroud my fragile little ego in and hide from the world.

So the 'founding aesthetic' bit was not just because it rhymed well!

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I was doing the same for a long time, until I understood, that in no way does it help my self-esteem, and just makes me miserable, and allows other people to make fun of me, because I am the one who starts it in some way.
I read some of your other entries in the blog, and all of them are very depressive, but I'm not sure why. I saw your photos, you look very good, and I also know that you have a daughter, so you aren't totally alone. It just looks to me, that you are focused on negativity in a very satiric way, but still focused on it nonetheless. Are you sure, that it's actually what you feel good doing, and not what you are doing out of some strange self-destructive habit?
I am not a psychologist, of course, but I do notice in you some behavior I had myself, and I had hard time to learn (and still do) to set boundaries and practice self-acceptance and self-appreciation, after years and years of "sarcastic" self deprecation.
It just makes me sad reading what you writer about yourself.

Worry not on that account! Life is crap but I don't count! It's really just a small amount. Those fears for me you should discount!

I'm extremely aware of this, it's quite conscious and deliberate. It used to be, a long time ago, a survival mechanism. Something to cope with the existing issues with self esteem and lack of, rather than something that brought that on. A defence mechanism, no longer needed, but clearly (from my continued use of it) something that still sticks in there deep down.
So I use the rhyming to express it in a meaningful way (to me at least). It lets me take the piss out of myself for doing it, and even is part of accepting what it is what it represents. A way of digging it out of me.
When I write this stuff it isn't conscious, it's stream of subconscious, the rhyming makes it far easier to pull out and make light of, diminish, while being deadly serious about it too, if that makes sense? A sort of self analysis (but not, but is, but isn't...). When I dig out nasty things, and hold them up to the light, they tend to lose their power as I dissect them and see how they worked and what they are.

"At least by getting the kicks in first,
I leave no space for other's to curse."

I'm telling a tale of how I was but doing it as though it's still the same, which it isn't. If I hadn't processed it that much, I doubt I could write so brutally and explicitly about myself. I'm far more depressed about my world than myself frankly.
These blogs are my psychiatrists couch!

Maybe an actual shrink would suit me better? Then I can splurge all that negativity on them and make them depressed instead!

I do admit there's an element of apology in my self criticism, but in part that's because I know full well how my writing effects some people. When I've written here that people should not read this stuff, there's an implicit put down of myself, but also a sadness I don't know how to write of much else from within, currently. I've even written about that in the blogs too.

Personally my favourites are those like my one on holidays - not personal, and attempting to be ironic and amusingly disastrous.

Boogs said:

When I write this stuff it isn't conscious, it's stream of subconscious, the rhyming makes it far easier to pull out and make light of, diminish, while being deadly serious about it too, if that makes sense? A sort of self analysis (but not, but is, but isn't...). When I dig out nasty things, and hold them up to the light, they tend to lose their power as I dissect them and see how they worked and what they are.

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Okay, I understand this and can resonate with this. Glad to see, that it isn't as dark for you, as I thought it was. I'll leave you be then. Have a good day.

Tired said:

Okay, I understand this and can resonate with this. Glad to see, that it isn't as dark for you, as I thought it was. I'll leave you be then. Have a good day.

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Thanks for the comments, and I do appreciate the sentiment, and quite likely if I read all this from someone else's blog/post/whatever I would inclined to think similar!