Both today, 06/09/2012
Morning
"Having an up and down day
Days like today are a bastard, I just wish I could either be up or be down and not feeling like I am on a fecking rollacoaster. When I woke up I was feelnig ok and not so bad but by the time I got to work i was feelnig like crap and my heart was racing and I felt dizzy and it's been coming and going since I started. I know how silly this sounds but not being able to sit in "my" seat and sit in a seat facing teh "wrong" direction really changes my mood for the worst. Having to seach around for a mouse that has a working roller and registers when I use the left or right buttons also doesn't help me feel relaxed enough to work without feeling full of anxiety.
I know how absured this sounds, but for someone who (possibly) has Asperger's Syndrome where control issues are major sky high problems, this effects me really negatively. Here is an example, I have a VERY specific order that the programmes and web pages I have to open at work and if something crashes or I need to restart something, for example when Pinterest makes ****** Internet Explorer start going haywire, I have to shut everything down and reopen them all, in the right order or I get flustered and get angry because I'm not able to do my job as quickly as I would want to.
There is good news though, Bobby has had a tax rebate which means he can pay off some of his debts and hopefully get himself a new laptop... Mainly so he doesn't have to keep borrowing mine and clearing all my saved passwords for sites and such hahaha. I don't always want him using my lappy because he has ended up buggering up my old computer and the laptop he had before even though I have helped him clear it up as much as possible but he always ends up back in the same place as before and I worry that he is gonna end up doing that to mine which would make me go absolutely spare. I've sent him a lil shopping list for some lappys from Laptops Direct, which is where Charlotte & I got ours from, also told him to get an external so if everything dies at some point, he will have a back up.
I seriously can NOT wait to get up to Scotland and get the **** out of London for a bit, I wish it could be longer but Charlotte has her pattern making course starting which is gonna be so awesome for her but after that we are looking to may be stay in a London or just outside of, Hotel for a few nights. I don't wanna spend too much but to get away for a few days would be ace
Hopefully she won't be ****ing working at all but hope springs ****ing eternal, eh?
I should so go out and get some food but I can't be arsed... ERGH! EFFORT! I finally get paid tomorrow, hopefully we won't spend much this week so I'll hopefully be able to keep as much as possible in my account for Scotland (taking a possible hotel / B&B booking into account ahaha). Been looking on KGB Deals, Groupon and Wowcher to see if we can find anything, have still to check Last Minute.com too to see if there is anything there. I do wish we could go to another country but neither Charlotte and I have a passport any more and to get an emergency one costs a bomb and sitting in the fecking office all day until it's been processed and can't be arsed with that."
Evening
"A completely unknown fact about me
I have such trouble letting people go who I have fallen out with that I have pretty regular daydreams that we end up in a situation where they need my help there at the very moment like if they had got in to a fight or had been attacked and I am the only one that would or could help. ****ing pathetic, eh? Got no idea where it has come from but it' s a pretty much stable occurrence over the last year and a half, if not a lot longer.
I wish there was a way to get rid of my problems with dependence, attachments and anger. If I'm not in the right place... And even when I am, someone can say or do something that makes me so ****ing angry that all I would like to do to them is smash them in the ****ing head. Like full on punch to the side of the head, not even a slap, full on boxer punch to the head, because that is what I "feel" that they deserve. I am fully aware that this is not what can or should happen, but my ****ing brain thinks it is.
What's scary is that as much as I don't know what goes on in Charlotte's head, she doesn't even know the half of what my ****ed up head is thinking. The worse of a day I am having, the more these thoughts linger & get worse, I do think I calm down quicker & tend to get over it better now but it still effects me which none of it should. I just need to ****ing get my assessments started at the Tavistock centre in Swiss Cottage and I'll be so much happier. So I've been told Heather (Charlotte's sister) went there and its the best place in Europe for these kinds of problems, along with lots of others.
I just want to feel ****ing "normal", I don't want to have all this anger and resentment. I want to be a better and more rounded person that others can reply on. I hate the ****ing image that I have with people because they have this preconceived notion of who and what I am, but if anyone really gave me the ****ing chance, they would see I'm so much more than that. After the evening we spent at Alistair's and he said he never thought he could have that kind of conversation with me (it was about partners and sex and such), I was and am really upset that if he is thinking that, then what the hell else are people thinking.
I just want to be happy again, I can't even remember the last time I was properly happy for a decent amount of time. We had fun on our holiday & it felt good to be away, but with knowing we had to come back, it was such a ****ing drag.
I don't know how it is so easy for some people to just be happy all the time, I've never been one for being fake & if someone ever thought that of me, I would be really upset and offended plus I'm not very good at hiding my feeling either so being fake is not something that comes easy.
Even after the talks Charlotte & I had the other day before Summer Rites and after, I still feel resentful towards her going to theirs. I do still wish we had not got close to them because this whole business would never have happened if we had not have been friends.
I don't think I'll ever be over this, I've damaged myself, I've hurt others permanently and lost friendships, if I ever stop hurting, it won't be for years yet. It took a good ****ing 4 years before I was able to talk to my "ex" friends again and even then it was only one of them, the rest I either haven't spoken to or have only once.
My eyes hurt a lot, I just want to go home & get into bed and not get out of it until we need to leave to go to Scotland next Thursday.I've said it before and I'll say it again, I ****ing hate the late shifts! Starting at 12 and finishing at 8 sucks so badly. We have bad people calling all the time, but there is just something about the ****ing arseholes that call after 4pm that just make me want to bang my head off the ****ing table until my head caves in.
I have told those close to me about my (possible) AS but hardly anyone has replied... At all, a few said that they hope I'm ok and it answers questions but most either didn't ****ing say anything or just took the piss as per. I may act like a ****ing child, but after news like that, should you really be taking the piss? There are so many people that I think back to when we were "friends" and I can hardly think of ****ing anything they did for me. I took Simon in when he had now where to go, I lied for one person to save their relationship, I also stayed with that some person when a family death occurred and tried to keep them occupied while they had sometime off work. I've always wanted my friends to know that I will always be there for them, but it seems like it was never wanted, which was obviously the same the other way round because none of them seem to care enough to ask me how I am or what's happening with the AS and such. Truth be told, I know I'm not going to get a stag do invite from Simon and will more than likely not be involved in Simon's wedding, which, if it I don't get an invite to be part of either, that will 100% be it for me and he will seriously be forgotten about. I know he doesn't like Bobby because ... Well because Simon talks down to people and says exactly what he wants, when he wants plus he will say something with the exact reason to hurt or piss them off and never be sorry for it which is a ****ing cunty thing to do and to be honest, I'd rather not be friends with someone like that.
I always find myself thinking back to our wedding day& wishing that the guestlist and peoples involvement could have been dramatically ****ing different. M would for sure would have nothing to do with it, T would **** not have been there at all and most wouldn't have been involved. I would love to have done more recently, because most people wouldn't have had the roles they had and some should think themselves god damn ****ing lucky they were there at all, because they sure as **** haven't been "there" since 2008.
Oh well, at High Barnet now. Nearly home"
Morning
"Having an up and down day
Days like today are a bastard, I just wish I could either be up or be down and not feeling like I am on a fecking rollacoaster. When I woke up I was feelnig ok and not so bad but by the time I got to work i was feelnig like crap and my heart was racing and I felt dizzy and it's been coming and going since I started. I know how silly this sounds but not being able to sit in "my" seat and sit in a seat facing teh "wrong" direction really changes my mood for the worst. Having to seach around for a mouse that has a working roller and registers when I use the left or right buttons also doesn't help me feel relaxed enough to work without feeling full of anxiety.
I know how absured this sounds, but for someone who (possibly) has Asperger's Syndrome where control issues are major sky high problems, this effects me really negatively. Here is an example, I have a VERY specific order that the programmes and web pages I have to open at work and if something crashes or I need to restart something, for example when Pinterest makes ****** Internet Explorer start going haywire, I have to shut everything down and reopen them all, in the right order or I get flustered and get angry because I'm not able to do my job as quickly as I would want to.
There is good news though, Bobby has had a tax rebate which means he can pay off some of his debts and hopefully get himself a new laptop... Mainly so he doesn't have to keep borrowing mine and clearing all my saved passwords for sites and such hahaha. I don't always want him using my lappy because he has ended up buggering up my old computer and the laptop he had before even though I have helped him clear it up as much as possible but he always ends up back in the same place as before and I worry that he is gonna end up doing that to mine which would make me go absolutely spare. I've sent him a lil shopping list for some lappys from Laptops Direct, which is where Charlotte & I got ours from, also told him to get an external so if everything dies at some point, he will have a back up.
I seriously can NOT wait to get up to Scotland and get the **** out of London for a bit, I wish it could be longer but Charlotte has her pattern making course starting which is gonna be so awesome for her but after that we are looking to may be stay in a London or just outside of, Hotel for a few nights. I don't wanna spend too much but to get away for a few days would be ace
Hopefully she won't be ****ing working at all but hope springs ****ing eternal, eh?I should so go out and get some food but I can't be arsed... ERGH! EFFORT! I finally get paid tomorrow, hopefully we won't spend much this week so I'll hopefully be able to keep as much as possible in my account for Scotland (taking a possible hotel / B&B booking into account ahaha). Been looking on KGB Deals, Groupon and Wowcher to see if we can find anything, have still to check Last Minute.com too to see if there is anything there. I do wish we could go to another country but neither Charlotte and I have a passport any more and to get an emergency one costs a bomb and sitting in the fecking office all day until it's been processed and can't be arsed with that."
Evening
"A completely unknown fact about me
I have such trouble letting people go who I have fallen out with that I have pretty regular daydreams that we end up in a situation where they need my help there at the very moment like if they had got in to a fight or had been attacked and I am the only one that would or could help. ****ing pathetic, eh? Got no idea where it has come from but it' s a pretty much stable occurrence over the last year and a half, if not a lot longer.
I wish there was a way to get rid of my problems with dependence, attachments and anger. If I'm not in the right place... And even when I am, someone can say or do something that makes me so ****ing angry that all I would like to do to them is smash them in the ****ing head. Like full on punch to the side of the head, not even a slap, full on boxer punch to the head, because that is what I "feel" that they deserve. I am fully aware that this is not what can or should happen, but my ****ing brain thinks it is.
What's scary is that as much as I don't know what goes on in Charlotte's head, she doesn't even know the half of what my ****ed up head is thinking. The worse of a day I am having, the more these thoughts linger & get worse, I do think I calm down quicker & tend to get over it better now but it still effects me which none of it should. I just need to ****ing get my assessments started at the Tavistock centre in Swiss Cottage and I'll be so much happier. So I've been told Heather (Charlotte's sister) went there and its the best place in Europe for these kinds of problems, along with lots of others.
I just want to feel ****ing "normal", I don't want to have all this anger and resentment. I want to be a better and more rounded person that others can reply on. I hate the ****ing image that I have with people because they have this preconceived notion of who and what I am, but if anyone really gave me the ****ing chance, they would see I'm so much more than that. After the evening we spent at Alistair's and he said he never thought he could have that kind of conversation with me (it was about partners and sex and such), I was and am really upset that if he is thinking that, then what the hell else are people thinking.
I just want to be happy again, I can't even remember the last time I was properly happy for a decent amount of time. We had fun on our holiday & it felt good to be away, but with knowing we had to come back, it was such a ****ing drag.
I don't know how it is so easy for some people to just be happy all the time, I've never been one for being fake & if someone ever thought that of me, I would be really upset and offended plus I'm not very good at hiding my feeling either so being fake is not something that comes easy.
Even after the talks Charlotte & I had the other day before Summer Rites and after, I still feel resentful towards her going to theirs. I do still wish we had not got close to them because this whole business would never have happened if we had not have been friends.
I don't think I'll ever be over this, I've damaged myself, I've hurt others permanently and lost friendships, if I ever stop hurting, it won't be for years yet. It took a good ****ing 4 years before I was able to talk to my "ex" friends again and even then it was only one of them, the rest I either haven't spoken to or have only once.
My eyes hurt a lot, I just want to go home & get into bed and not get out of it until we need to leave to go to Scotland next Thursday.I've said it before and I'll say it again, I ****ing hate the late shifts! Starting at 12 and finishing at 8 sucks so badly. We have bad people calling all the time, but there is just something about the ****ing arseholes that call after 4pm that just make me want to bang my head off the ****ing table until my head caves in.
I have told those close to me about my (possible) AS but hardly anyone has replied... At all, a few said that they hope I'm ok and it answers questions but most either didn't ****ing say anything or just took the piss as per. I may act like a ****ing child, but after news like that, should you really be taking the piss? There are so many people that I think back to when we were "friends" and I can hardly think of ****ing anything they did for me. I took Simon in when he had now where to go, I lied for one person to save their relationship, I also stayed with that some person when a family death occurred and tried to keep them occupied while they had sometime off work. I've always wanted my friends to know that I will always be there for them, but it seems like it was never wanted, which was obviously the same the other way round because none of them seem to care enough to ask me how I am or what's happening with the AS and such. Truth be told, I know I'm not going to get a stag do invite from Simon and will more than likely not be involved in Simon's wedding, which, if it I don't get an invite to be part of either, that will 100% be it for me and he will seriously be forgotten about. I know he doesn't like Bobby because ... Well because Simon talks down to people and says exactly what he wants, when he wants plus he will say something with the exact reason to hurt or piss them off and never be sorry for it which is a ****ing cunty thing to do and to be honest, I'd rather not be friends with someone like that.
I always find myself thinking back to our wedding day& wishing that the guestlist and peoples involvement could have been dramatically ****ing different. M would for sure would have nothing to do with it, T would **** not have been there at all and most wouldn't have been involved. I would love to have done more recently, because most people wouldn't have had the roles they had and some should think themselves god damn ****ing lucky they were there at all, because they sure as **** haven't been "there" since 2008.
Oh well, at High Barnet now. Nearly home"
