I've wanted to write some stuff down for a while but I've just got no idea how making it interesting or keep it so it makes sense.
Whenever I try and write something like this, I just end up going on a tangent and don't always get my point across.
I live with such fear, stress, anxiety & anger every day and it drains me, it's not because I choose to be this way, these are generally my first reactions to most things. I know this isn't normal, but doesn't mean I can stop it. I've now been told I don't have Aspergers syndrome but I do have major processing problems that slow everything down, my learning speed, understanding of things and everything else that comes with that.
After a talk with a friend who is going through assessments for other mental health problems, they suggested that I look up ERD & BPD. I feel both of these conditions describe my day in and day out. I sent links to Charlotte to read and she found this really spot on to what she sees.
I don't know why, but having something like BPD scares me more than Aspergers. I have no idea why, it might be because Borderline Personality Disorder sounds kinda scary in itself, films and tv probably haven't helped out a light heart on that either. I've been referred to another department at the Tavistock, as they still think they can help me with my problems which is good, at least I don't need to wait to go somewhere else.
I wish I just understood things and people more, I feel like I'm the only one that can see the things I do, feels I way I do and it's everyone else that is wrong. I know it's childish but I feel that no one is doing anything I want in the way I want which just ****s everything up. Hardly anyone understands this or can be bothered with it.
My confidence has taken such a brutal beating over the last few years, I know this, plus the stress of being the only one with any money coming in, with no prospects of ever leaving John and Christine's any time soon, unless we win the lottery or are left something by someone.
I just wish Charlotte could see that being there is just killing me, as nice as it is, I don't want to come home every day and have to talk about how my days was with my wife's parents every single day. I want to come home, change and sit in my own front room and just chill out and entirely, go into the bedroom and go to bed, not go into the bedroom, stay there all night, eat, sleep, get up the next day, repeat. I totally appreciate that if it were not for her parents we wouldn't have somewhere to live but the want and need for our own place away from everyone else, even for just a few hours and actually having to interact with others does weigh me down. I know that Charlotte does want to get our own place too but she has no real drive to do it. She does these design jobs take her days to complete and she gets like between ?20-?50 for them which is a complete and utter ****ing bump, I know she takes pride in her work and won't let anything go without her being happy about it..... but working for days on ****ing end on one design and getting such **** money drives me ****ing mad.
I wish I could tie things in together better and make things make more sense but I need a want to say so much but it never comes out in stages, things just pour out and while I am typing I think of other things and if I don't start putting it down there and then I forget it and being I still have no idea on how to use punctuation properly, I have no confidence in the way I put things down and if it makes sense. Nothing is totally coherent and with no confidence in what I am saying or how I say it, I find even this ****ing hard.
I've sheltered myself away from people so much, I feel like I don't know how to be fully sociable any more. I miss people and friends so mcuh, but hardly anyone ever bothers to get in contact or to make any plans with me.
I crave to be alone with Charlotte all the time and it hurts her to be away from me... As 90% of the time (apart from work) she is leaving me which is made worse by the fact that I hate her going to see my ex-friends / jealousy she is with them.
Whenever I try and write something like this, I just end up going on a tangent and don't always get my point across.
I live with such fear, stress, anxiety & anger every day and it drains me, it's not because I choose to be this way, these are generally my first reactions to most things. I know this isn't normal, but doesn't mean I can stop it. I've now been told I don't have Aspergers syndrome but I do have major processing problems that slow everything down, my learning speed, understanding of things and everything else that comes with that.
After a talk with a friend who is going through assessments for other mental health problems, they suggested that I look up ERD & BPD. I feel both of these conditions describe my day in and day out. I sent links to Charlotte to read and she found this really spot on to what she sees.
I don't know why, but having something like BPD scares me more than Aspergers. I have no idea why, it might be because Borderline Personality Disorder sounds kinda scary in itself, films and tv probably haven't helped out a light heart on that either. I've been referred to another department at the Tavistock, as they still think they can help me with my problems which is good, at least I don't need to wait to go somewhere else.
I wish I just understood things and people more, I feel like I'm the only one that can see the things I do, feels I way I do and it's everyone else that is wrong. I know it's childish but I feel that no one is doing anything I want in the way I want which just ****s everything up. Hardly anyone understands this or can be bothered with it.
My confidence has taken such a brutal beating over the last few years, I know this, plus the stress of being the only one with any money coming in, with no prospects of ever leaving John and Christine's any time soon, unless we win the lottery or are left something by someone.
I just wish Charlotte could see that being there is just killing me, as nice as it is, I don't want to come home every day and have to talk about how my days was with my wife's parents every single day. I want to come home, change and sit in my own front room and just chill out and entirely, go into the bedroom and go to bed, not go into the bedroom, stay there all night, eat, sleep, get up the next day, repeat. I totally appreciate that if it were not for her parents we wouldn't have somewhere to live but the want and need for our own place away from everyone else, even for just a few hours and actually having to interact with others does weigh me down. I know that Charlotte does want to get our own place too but she has no real drive to do it. She does these design jobs take her days to complete and she gets like between ?20-?50 for them which is a complete and utter ****ing bump, I know she takes pride in her work and won't let anything go without her being happy about it..... but working for days on ****ing end on one design and getting such **** money drives me ****ing mad.
I wish I could tie things in together better and make things make more sense but I need a want to say so much but it never comes out in stages, things just pour out and while I am typing I think of other things and if I don't start putting it down there and then I forget it and being I still have no idea on how to use punctuation properly, I have no confidence in the way I put things down and if it makes sense. Nothing is totally coherent and with no confidence in what I am saying or how I say it, I find even this ****ing hard.
I've sheltered myself away from people so much, I feel like I don't know how to be fully sociable any more. I miss people and friends so mcuh, but hardly anyone ever bothers to get in contact or to make any plans with me.
I crave to be alone with Charlotte all the time and it hurts her to be away from me... As 90% of the time (apart from work) she is leaving me which is made worse by the fact that I hate her going to see my ex-friends / jealousy she is with them.
