I feel like I meet the criteria for a Asperger's diagnosis, I certainly have enough of the characteristics. Like many adults with AS who are "functional" an official dx doesn't really provide me with any benefits. There are no programs to help people like me, and I don't want, or qualify for, any type of disability. It is also possible that if I were to get a dx I might be deemed un-insurable at some point in the future, or that information may be leaked to my employer, or future employers. I work for a health care facility, that can access my medical record easily, and people have big mouths. So no I can't get an "official" diagnosis from someone who may not even know what they are doing.
I suppose what's really frustrating to me is that with the other issues I have dealt with (still deal with) I have been able to come up with a plan, of how to handle it. This Asperger's thing is just not like any of them, there is no course of action, no treatment, no program. I have had to deal with a lot in my life, alcoholism, being gay, abuse, and depression. If I begin living with the idea that I do have Asperger's then what does that mean for me? I am not a bystander in my life, I am responsible for my own happiness, and peace of mind. I make choices that affect how I live.
While I realize that there is no comparing it to any of the other issues I listed, I still feel the need to address it somehow. The whole reason I am here is because my aspie traits are causing problems in my life, While I know I can't change them, I can choose to do somethings different. I can create better strategies, After my last meltdown over not being able to find a restaurant I decided I need to carry the GPS in my car, and get phone numbers from the people I associate with. Simple things.
I know these traits are a part of who I am, and some of them are the very reason I have done as well as I have. My primary interest in mechanical things has been my employment for 25 years. My geekness at knowing all sorts of things is one of the reasons I can socialize at all, since I can usually find a common interest to have an intelligent conversation with someone. But other like my noise sensitivity, and my inability to understand nonverbal cues like body language, facial expressions, and voice inflection causes all sorts of problems in my social and personal life. I am willing to try doing things differently, but I need to figure out what that is.
As a teen I had read about autism, and thought maybe I had something like that, but I was too functional, and Asperger's was not yet a dx. A few years ago I saw a news story on a boy with AS, and I instantly identified with him, but wasn't ready to deal with it. Then recently after several meltdowns this year, I started researching AS and took all the online tests, which all place me thoroughly in the AS category, I read these forums and others and I can relate to so many of the issues. I keep thinking "that's me, that's something I've felt, or done".
One of the first things that I began to wonder was if I had some unseen motive for wanting to be an aspie, I don't often understand motives in others, or even myself, so i had to really look good. I decided I do not have any alterior motive. I am not attention seeking, since I don't really plan on telling people, I'm not looking for an "excuse" for all my traits, and I don't believe that there is one great unifying thing that explains all my problems in life.
I think I may have developed some denial, much like I did when i was getting sober. It's sort of a backlash response, that after examining the evidence and drawing a conclusion, I decide I don't like the conclusion, so I try to dismiss it. I think that may be a normal part of how i come to accept something. I'm going to give it some time to sink in. As I write this I can say I am pretty sure I am an aspie, but I keep going through periods of doubt. I think a lot of that has to do with my age and the fact that I do have a lot of coping and fitting in, seeming normal skills.
I am trying to just keep an open mind, and right now I am trying to operate under the assumption that I am an aspie. I do believe I will eventually come to that conclusion and accept it as fact, but I am giving myself time to deal with it.
I suppose what's really frustrating to me is that with the other issues I have dealt with (still deal with) I have been able to come up with a plan, of how to handle it. This Asperger's thing is just not like any of them, there is no course of action, no treatment, no program. I have had to deal with a lot in my life, alcoholism, being gay, abuse, and depression. If I begin living with the idea that I do have Asperger's then what does that mean for me? I am not a bystander in my life, I am responsible for my own happiness, and peace of mind. I make choices that affect how I live.
While I realize that there is no comparing it to any of the other issues I listed, I still feel the need to address it somehow. The whole reason I am here is because my aspie traits are causing problems in my life, While I know I can't change them, I can choose to do somethings different. I can create better strategies, After my last meltdown over not being able to find a restaurant I decided I need to carry the GPS in my car, and get phone numbers from the people I associate with. Simple things.
I know these traits are a part of who I am, and some of them are the very reason I have done as well as I have. My primary interest in mechanical things has been my employment for 25 years. My geekness at knowing all sorts of things is one of the reasons I can socialize at all, since I can usually find a common interest to have an intelligent conversation with someone. But other like my noise sensitivity, and my inability to understand nonverbal cues like body language, facial expressions, and voice inflection causes all sorts of problems in my social and personal life. I am willing to try doing things differently, but I need to figure out what that is.
As a teen I had read about autism, and thought maybe I had something like that, but I was too functional, and Asperger's was not yet a dx. A few years ago I saw a news story on a boy with AS, and I instantly identified with him, but wasn't ready to deal with it. Then recently after several meltdowns this year, I started researching AS and took all the online tests, which all place me thoroughly in the AS category, I read these forums and others and I can relate to so many of the issues. I keep thinking "that's me, that's something I've felt, or done".
One of the first things that I began to wonder was if I had some unseen motive for wanting to be an aspie, I don't often understand motives in others, or even myself, so i had to really look good. I decided I do not have any alterior motive. I am not attention seeking, since I don't really plan on telling people, I'm not looking for an "excuse" for all my traits, and I don't believe that there is one great unifying thing that explains all my problems in life.
I think I may have developed some denial, much like I did when i was getting sober. It's sort of a backlash response, that after examining the evidence and drawing a conclusion, I decide I don't like the conclusion, so I try to dismiss it. I think that may be a normal part of how i come to accept something. I'm going to give it some time to sink in. As I write this I can say I am pretty sure I am an aspie, but I keep going through periods of doubt. I think a lot of that has to do with my age and the fact that I do have a lot of coping and fitting in, seeming normal skills.
I am trying to just keep an open mind, and right now I am trying to operate under the assumption that I am an aspie. I do believe I will eventually come to that conclusion and accept it as fact, but I am giving myself time to deal with it.
