Charlotte has come back from being in Wales for the Monmouthshire fare and I have had a lot of pent up anger towards her because of her inability to know how to handle me when she is away. I know this sounds like I'm just going to have a ***** about, but I'm not, we have spoken about it now & she knows that this has upset me & hopefully it won't happen again. While she was away she started several conversations that were basically "hi!" Then no reply for absolutely ages, then I'd ask her how she was and what has happened which lead to her replying "eating now" or no reply at all. The fact that she started trying to talk to me & then didn't reply when I did made me so ****ing angry that I gave up trying to talk to her at all while she was away.
We have also spoken in greater detail about her and such. I just don't know where to start, I have so many different feelings about it all. I mean I've hurt her un-measurably but she also searched through my laptop to find these diary entries that I had written about how I was feeling when we first stopped talking and such. From what I have been told, I know she is hurting still but apparently not from much else apart from me accusing her of lying about the things she confided in me about. She can't believe I would use that against her after she trusted me with that information, but what she doesn't understand is that in those heightened times, I just wanted to say anything that would hurt her and make myself feel better about this whole ****ing ****** situation which I know is not the right thing to do and I'm not excusing it, but it happened. I know I've caused a ****ing massive upheaval between Charlotte, Bobby myself & them & I absolutely hate myself for it. I have no regrets bigger than what has happened & if I could just wiped the last 2 years odd and traded not being friends with them for not causing Charlotte & everyone else pain & feeling like I do every single day, I would give it up in an instant. I know that if none of this had of happened & I hadn't pushed to get some serious help from the hospital & therapy then I possibly may never have known that I could have Asperger's but until I can start getting help, I can't think past wishing none of it had ever had happened. Right now, I literally have no happy memories of our time as friends, everything is ****ing tarred by what has happened and I hate it.
I don't think people understand the guilt I feel for ruining this & making our lives much harder. I now inadvertently make Charlotte feel like **** whenever she goes there or does things with them or even talks to her on FB, I even can't help having reactions when Charlotte or Bobby "like" something she has posted on FB, how rubbish is that? They can't even converse with their friend without it upsetting or getting to me, I mean seriously, that ****ing sucks to feel like that AND not only that, in the back of my mind, I know that its a "tough ****, it's your fault anyways".
Charlotte has said she doesn't think she can get over it & move on without being able to tell me exactly how she feels, in person but as she is still not in the right place to do that, nothing will ever move forward. I know that it would be a majorly difficult & more than likely ****ing hardcore day to actually meet up & talk this out, but if I can help her to close off this whole chapter & for me to have her know that I'm not really a bad person & I never meant to hurt the two people who I love so so so ****ing dearly then it would be worth it. Nothing will ever repair what has happened and what has been said, a little piece of me wants us to be able to be friends again, but I can't risk getting myself hurt like this again. I really believe I actually couldn't take it but if we can a least resolve the bad feelings, that would be a massive goal achieved. If it did ever happen **** knows where it would happen, we would have to be in neutral territory so we are both comfortable but not in public because it would get heated & if either of us wanted to just ****ing let go and scream (if? That's an if? More like when) then we would need to be able to do that without having to hold back because sometimes the only thing that will help is just to ****ing let go and just go crazy. I know I would be letting myself in for a hard time if it happened, but even though I am scared of it, I think it would be worth it in the long run. I have been thinking on and off to write to her but I don't want to do it too early & not get a good reaction, but also thinking about it, making the first move may not be a good idea either, but waiting for that is going to be as much of a killer as waiting for help / my assessments. Just like everything, I've got no idea what to do or where to go from here.
I hate that a metaphorical carrot has been dangled in front of me with talk of a possible meeting between us because there is no telling if it would ever happen, when it would, how it would and the result of it. It's all ****ing "if's" and living for that just does no one any ****ing good.
I can't tell you how many times I have seen a piece of art, heard some music, seen a film, seen some clothes or jewellery and though of either of them and then just feeling down and ****** because I can't share that with them.
I really want to take Charlotte away for a holiday and or something for a night or so for her birthday. I really want to spoil her but we can't go abroad as we don't have passports & she can't fly anywhere which means she has to drive... Which sucks.
Today is such a beyond gorgeous day, I just wish I could just go and sit in a park all day &... Just ****ing forget everything for a while. I'd absolutely love to just take a blanket and a cushion & fall asleep in the sun.
I've been really really emotional lately, like even little things at random times upset me & make me cry out of the blue. It has happened more and more since my therapist Michaela told me she thought I have Asperger's. I don't know if it's a shift in my head in thought patterns or just the knowledge that if I have AS, I will have it till the day I die & I will never be rid of it, its something that I can only work around & it can only be dealt with. That's what is good & bad about my situation me & my life, on one hand I now have a name for why I think & act differently & why I see things from total different directions but I (possibly) have something I can only ever manage but can never get rid of. AS is not an excuse for anything, I know that and I won't ever use it as such but with my utter need to be accepted from as far back as I can remember, having someone know I'm not a bad person & would never want someone mad at me, let alone what has happened over the last year and a half is probably my only goal in life... To be known as a good person that never wanted to harm or hurt anyone ever.
Well, as I have been writting this over the whole day so far, Bobby & Charlotte have asked me to try and book off sometime so we can go back up to Scotland to be there for Bobby's sister Karen's 30th. Char & I are possibly going to stay in a B&B too so we get sometime to ourselves too. The thought of going up there to see those ****ing absolute nutbags fills me with such anticipation of the love we get when we go up there, it scares me that I would be so beyond upset if I didn't get the holiday accepted... But I can't think like that because Charlotte & I need it so god damn much, it just has to happen.
We have also spoken in greater detail about her and such. I just don't know where to start, I have so many different feelings about it all. I mean I've hurt her un-measurably but she also searched through my laptop to find these diary entries that I had written about how I was feeling when we first stopped talking and such. From what I have been told, I know she is hurting still but apparently not from much else apart from me accusing her of lying about the things she confided in me about. She can't believe I would use that against her after she trusted me with that information, but what she doesn't understand is that in those heightened times, I just wanted to say anything that would hurt her and make myself feel better about this whole ****ing ****** situation which I know is not the right thing to do and I'm not excusing it, but it happened. I know I've caused a ****ing massive upheaval between Charlotte, Bobby myself & them & I absolutely hate myself for it. I have no regrets bigger than what has happened & if I could just wiped the last 2 years odd and traded not being friends with them for not causing Charlotte & everyone else pain & feeling like I do every single day, I would give it up in an instant. I know that if none of this had of happened & I hadn't pushed to get some serious help from the hospital & therapy then I possibly may never have known that I could have Asperger's but until I can start getting help, I can't think past wishing none of it had ever had happened. Right now, I literally have no happy memories of our time as friends, everything is ****ing tarred by what has happened and I hate it.
I don't think people understand the guilt I feel for ruining this & making our lives much harder. I now inadvertently make Charlotte feel like **** whenever she goes there or does things with them or even talks to her on FB, I even can't help having reactions when Charlotte or Bobby "like" something she has posted on FB, how rubbish is that? They can't even converse with their friend without it upsetting or getting to me, I mean seriously, that ****ing sucks to feel like that AND not only that, in the back of my mind, I know that its a "tough ****, it's your fault anyways".
Charlotte has said she doesn't think she can get over it & move on without being able to tell me exactly how she feels, in person but as she is still not in the right place to do that, nothing will ever move forward. I know that it would be a majorly difficult & more than likely ****ing hardcore day to actually meet up & talk this out, but if I can help her to close off this whole chapter & for me to have her know that I'm not really a bad person & I never meant to hurt the two people who I love so so so ****ing dearly then it would be worth it. Nothing will ever repair what has happened and what has been said, a little piece of me wants us to be able to be friends again, but I can't risk getting myself hurt like this again. I really believe I actually couldn't take it but if we can a least resolve the bad feelings, that would be a massive goal achieved. If it did ever happen **** knows where it would happen, we would have to be in neutral territory so we are both comfortable but not in public because it would get heated & if either of us wanted to just ****ing let go and scream (if? That's an if? More like when) then we would need to be able to do that without having to hold back because sometimes the only thing that will help is just to ****ing let go and just go crazy. I know I would be letting myself in for a hard time if it happened, but even though I am scared of it, I think it would be worth it in the long run. I have been thinking on and off to write to her but I don't want to do it too early & not get a good reaction, but also thinking about it, making the first move may not be a good idea either, but waiting for that is going to be as much of a killer as waiting for help / my assessments. Just like everything, I've got no idea what to do or where to go from here.
I hate that a metaphorical carrot has been dangled in front of me with talk of a possible meeting between us because there is no telling if it would ever happen, when it would, how it would and the result of it. It's all ****ing "if's" and living for that just does no one any ****ing good.
I can't tell you how many times I have seen a piece of art, heard some music, seen a film, seen some clothes or jewellery and though of either of them and then just feeling down and ****** because I can't share that with them.
I really want to take Charlotte away for a holiday and or something for a night or so for her birthday. I really want to spoil her but we can't go abroad as we don't have passports & she can't fly anywhere which means she has to drive... Which sucks.
Today is such a beyond gorgeous day, I just wish I could just go and sit in a park all day &... Just ****ing forget everything for a while. I'd absolutely love to just take a blanket and a cushion & fall asleep in the sun.
I've been really really emotional lately, like even little things at random times upset me & make me cry out of the blue. It has happened more and more since my therapist Michaela told me she thought I have Asperger's. I don't know if it's a shift in my head in thought patterns or just the knowledge that if I have AS, I will have it till the day I die & I will never be rid of it, its something that I can only work around & it can only be dealt with. That's what is good & bad about my situation me & my life, on one hand I now have a name for why I think & act differently & why I see things from total different directions but I (possibly) have something I can only ever manage but can never get rid of. AS is not an excuse for anything, I know that and I won't ever use it as such but with my utter need to be accepted from as far back as I can remember, having someone know I'm not a bad person & would never want someone mad at me, let alone what has happened over the last year and a half is probably my only goal in life... To be known as a good person that never wanted to harm or hurt anyone ever.
Well, as I have been writting this over the whole day so far, Bobby & Charlotte have asked me to try and book off sometime so we can go back up to Scotland to be there for Bobby's sister Karen's 30th. Char & I are possibly going to stay in a B&B too so we get sometime to ourselves too. The thought of going up there to see those ****ing absolute nutbags fills me with such anticipation of the love we get when we go up there, it scares me that I would be so beyond upset if I didn't get the holiday accepted... But I can't think like that because Charlotte & I need it so god damn much, it just has to happen.
