I know clearly what my dreams are. It is just that I need some time to settle in my thoughts, before articulating them in words.
Definitely, it's not my parents'. My parents want me to be a doctor, or someone who do some form of medicine. Given that I have already depression since I was 17, and I can't handle high-stress, high-stakes work with egoistic people, like some patients are, how can I objectively save lives?
But, growing up with my parents' influence, I realised the value of life is not determined by the money one earns, but by the good things one does to the people around them. Like, say, bringing new babies.
Indeed, my parents talk about one of their friends, a gynaecologist. She still lives in a small apartment she bought 30 years ago, but she's a medical doctor, and has a track record of bringing babies safely to life. So when one baby's hands are long, her trademark expression is, 'this baby is suitable to be a gynae!'
So, like them, I also hope to do things that bring smiles and cheers to people around me. Even though, to their disappointment, that I cannot learn to save other people's lives, I can still perhaps bring smiles to other people, through what I do.
My society is a different thing altogether.
Besides being rather conformist, as mentioned in earlier blog posts, my country is the 3rd richest country as ranked by average national wealth. This means my country is a generally affluent country with lots of prosperity around the country. My country has a lot of people (90,000) who are so rich, they have a net wealth of $1 million, they can buy anything they want, and take them for granted. Hence, there is also a pursuit of money in my country.
Since Singapore is generally rich, many people, including me, are inspired to work hard to be rich, and they also do their best to work smart to get hold of some wealth. However, some people are just less able to obtain wealth. There is also not much of a social safety net in Singapore, in case one falls out of the economic race. So most of us Singaporeans have to give up a lot to try to be rich - like time for friendship, energy for meaningful interaction with one's spouse and children, and even our dreams to be someone else we want to be, like say, being a singer or poet.
Hence, I am torn between the dual and seemingly incompatible goals - my family's apparent unrealistic demands of me to really 'save lives', and my society's generally chase for more money for individuals, in a group setting. I cannot share my dream without saying a few things about my own limitations of self-change.
Now, I see different.
I just want to bring positive changes to the world, to improve our living environment and solve our pertinent issues that we face, through what I bring to the work table. I hope to serve this purpose, through myself being a full-time academic, specialising in cities, be it Geography, Architecture or Sociology, so that I can keep on asking relevant questions on cities and our living environment, since more than half of the global population lives in cities, according to the United Nations Population Fund.
However, it is well-known that academics do experience unemployment - mainly because what they studied often do not correlate to the job experience and skills needed in the workplace. About 33,000 PhD holders are unemployed, especially in humanities - my main area of interest.
So even the stubborn, uncompromising personality in me has to look at the objective facts, and decide to myself, can I withstand both debt and unemployment? What about looking through all the various professions, and see which one I can do?
Initially, my major in college was the most obvious disciple closest to my heart - Psychology. I thought there is demand in Psychologists, given that psychological issues are the most common issue of the future, as what psychologists say on television shows. It was the only health-related major I know that I can do reasonably well. But after doing Psychology midway through a term, I grew uncomfortable with my fellow classmates - they are mostly leading an opulent lifestyle of flashy clothes, parties, drinks and clubbing (which still run my mind, till this day), and yet they manage to get great grades, enough for progression to whatever course they wanted. As for me, I couldn't get either the grades (I was still recovering from the after-effects of depression, namely, reduced energy levels) or the 'social status' to hook up with more rich friends, possibly due to my family's deliberate choice of a subdued lifestyle, as they wanted to 'serve other people' as Chinese physicians (some alternative medicine thingy).
Since off-campus distractions took a toll on me, my parents did their best to bring me to another course, through coercing me to do up an application letter to an upcoming course in another college. Reluctantly, because of the lure of my family agreeing to finance my studies in accounting if I just enrolled, I did it. If not, I'd be unemployed for 2 years, since at that point of time, I have no desire to do anything other than to read books and write papers on them.
There was a choice in college - I could do Mathematics, Economics, Management, Banking or Accounting. Taking on the advice of one of my elder sisters, a certified financial planner herself, 'a CPA is a powerful thing that has real bite, unlike my profession', I took accounting. Without her advice, and with the guaranteed funding on my studies, I'd choose Economics because of its potential to help build logical arguments for urban planning.
I did all the useful modules I could in the first two years. I just don't like them. They help me better conform to the job requirements of the job market, but I simply did very badly. I got an average of second lower, or B, in all my subjects. My parents even made discouraging remarks like, if you just spend all your time studying, you'd get an A... I'm left speechless.
I even failed Business Law, one of the main prerequisites of my CPA course. My parents are worried, and they wanted me to re-do that Business Law paper. Imagine - you got to do 4 essay questions for a 3-hour unseen paper, with only a statute book with no case law. It is not my personality, too, to write nonsense or irrelevant stuff relating to the question. I struggled with the paper, and subsequently failed it.
Much as I wanted to show my parents the way out - it's not the end of the world - Brian Mulroney, the ex-Canadian Prime Minister, and Tunku Abdul Rahman, the ex-Malaysian Prime Minister, both failed law or law modules. However, they may feel that I am not working hard enough for my law modules, or that I just need one final push to a degree. Well, yes, they pay for my degrees, and most likely I'd need to pay for my accreditation courses in business law some day.
I'd like to remind them that I'm diagnosed out of the healthcare industry, I'm priced out to do psychology, and the boring business law thing that I cannot really understand, despite asking tons of questions, really freak me out. I wonder what can I do for employment - accept a worse life outcome? Quit accounting altogether? Well, I may give myself 10 years. If there's no major life breakdown on the way like what I experienced when I was 17, I think I can continue on my career.
And honestly speaking, I will reject marriage at the moment. To form a family, you need to have a steady stream of income, no? The thing is, my sisters have stable jobs, as a financial adviser and a medical doctor. And they, after all, are females (not to sound sexist, but my society is heavily patriarchal and patrimonial, as the society is properly flowing from males, and females have to be submissive to men.) There is a high chance that, if I do marry, given my conditions, I will be 'weaker' than the female. I'd be seen as a *****, as the family is dependant on the males, after all. The societal standing of me having a family would most likely be worse than me not having a family. I know my limits, and I am really having to live with it, at least, at the moment. Why should I breed a generation of my younger one(s) with a weak father, and hence, name-calling - and that I'll make them miserable for just being a father? I really love children, but I can't have a real family! Sigh.
Given that my society values degrees so much, and I was conditioned to do a degree right from the very beginning I am slightly self-conscious of myself, I just don't know what to do.
How can I get both a job, while still staying sane in whatever I do?
Definitely, it's not my parents'. My parents want me to be a doctor, or someone who do some form of medicine. Given that I have already depression since I was 17, and I can't handle high-stress, high-stakes work with egoistic people, like some patients are, how can I objectively save lives?
But, growing up with my parents' influence, I realised the value of life is not determined by the money one earns, but by the good things one does to the people around them. Like, say, bringing new babies.
Indeed, my parents talk about one of their friends, a gynaecologist. She still lives in a small apartment she bought 30 years ago, but she's a medical doctor, and has a track record of bringing babies safely to life. So when one baby's hands are long, her trademark expression is, 'this baby is suitable to be a gynae!'
So, like them, I also hope to do things that bring smiles and cheers to people around me. Even though, to their disappointment, that I cannot learn to save other people's lives, I can still perhaps bring smiles to other people, through what I do.
My society is a different thing altogether.
Besides being rather conformist, as mentioned in earlier blog posts, my country is the 3rd richest country as ranked by average national wealth. This means my country is a generally affluent country with lots of prosperity around the country. My country has a lot of people (90,000) who are so rich, they have a net wealth of $1 million, they can buy anything they want, and take them for granted. Hence, there is also a pursuit of money in my country.
Since Singapore is generally rich, many people, including me, are inspired to work hard to be rich, and they also do their best to work smart to get hold of some wealth. However, some people are just less able to obtain wealth. There is also not much of a social safety net in Singapore, in case one falls out of the economic race. So most of us Singaporeans have to give up a lot to try to be rich - like time for friendship, energy for meaningful interaction with one's spouse and children, and even our dreams to be someone else we want to be, like say, being a singer or poet.
Hence, I am torn between the dual and seemingly incompatible goals - my family's apparent unrealistic demands of me to really 'save lives', and my society's generally chase for more money for individuals, in a group setting. I cannot share my dream without saying a few things about my own limitations of self-change.
Now, I see different.
I just want to bring positive changes to the world, to improve our living environment and solve our pertinent issues that we face, through what I bring to the work table. I hope to serve this purpose, through myself being a full-time academic, specialising in cities, be it Geography, Architecture or Sociology, so that I can keep on asking relevant questions on cities and our living environment, since more than half of the global population lives in cities, according to the United Nations Population Fund.
However, it is well-known that academics do experience unemployment - mainly because what they studied often do not correlate to the job experience and skills needed in the workplace. About 33,000 PhD holders are unemployed, especially in humanities - my main area of interest.
So even the stubborn, uncompromising personality in me has to look at the objective facts, and decide to myself, can I withstand both debt and unemployment? What about looking through all the various professions, and see which one I can do?
Initially, my major in college was the most obvious disciple closest to my heart - Psychology. I thought there is demand in Psychologists, given that psychological issues are the most common issue of the future, as what psychologists say on television shows. It was the only health-related major I know that I can do reasonably well. But after doing Psychology midway through a term, I grew uncomfortable with my fellow classmates - they are mostly leading an opulent lifestyle of flashy clothes, parties, drinks and clubbing (which still run my mind, till this day), and yet they manage to get great grades, enough for progression to whatever course they wanted. As for me, I couldn't get either the grades (I was still recovering from the after-effects of depression, namely, reduced energy levels) or the 'social status' to hook up with more rich friends, possibly due to my family's deliberate choice of a subdued lifestyle, as they wanted to 'serve other people' as Chinese physicians (some alternative medicine thingy).
Since off-campus distractions took a toll on me, my parents did their best to bring me to another course, through coercing me to do up an application letter to an upcoming course in another college. Reluctantly, because of the lure of my family agreeing to finance my studies in accounting if I just enrolled, I did it. If not, I'd be unemployed for 2 years, since at that point of time, I have no desire to do anything other than to read books and write papers on them.
There was a choice in college - I could do Mathematics, Economics, Management, Banking or Accounting. Taking on the advice of one of my elder sisters, a certified financial planner herself, 'a CPA is a powerful thing that has real bite, unlike my profession', I took accounting. Without her advice, and with the guaranteed funding on my studies, I'd choose Economics because of its potential to help build logical arguments for urban planning.
I did all the useful modules I could in the first two years. I just don't like them. They help me better conform to the job requirements of the job market, but I simply did very badly. I got an average of second lower, or B, in all my subjects. My parents even made discouraging remarks like, if you just spend all your time studying, you'd get an A... I'm left speechless.
I even failed Business Law, one of the main prerequisites of my CPA course. My parents are worried, and they wanted me to re-do that Business Law paper. Imagine - you got to do 4 essay questions for a 3-hour unseen paper, with only a statute book with no case law. It is not my personality, too, to write nonsense or irrelevant stuff relating to the question. I struggled with the paper, and subsequently failed it.
Much as I wanted to show my parents the way out - it's not the end of the world - Brian Mulroney, the ex-Canadian Prime Minister, and Tunku Abdul Rahman, the ex-Malaysian Prime Minister, both failed law or law modules. However, they may feel that I am not working hard enough for my law modules, or that I just need one final push to a degree. Well, yes, they pay for my degrees, and most likely I'd need to pay for my accreditation courses in business law some day.
I'd like to remind them that I'm diagnosed out of the healthcare industry, I'm priced out to do psychology, and the boring business law thing that I cannot really understand, despite asking tons of questions, really freak me out. I wonder what can I do for employment - accept a worse life outcome? Quit accounting altogether? Well, I may give myself 10 years. If there's no major life breakdown on the way like what I experienced when I was 17, I think I can continue on my career.
And honestly speaking, I will reject marriage at the moment. To form a family, you need to have a steady stream of income, no? The thing is, my sisters have stable jobs, as a financial adviser and a medical doctor. And they, after all, are females (not to sound sexist, but my society is heavily patriarchal and patrimonial, as the society is properly flowing from males, and females have to be submissive to men.) There is a high chance that, if I do marry, given my conditions, I will be 'weaker' than the female. I'd be seen as a *****, as the family is dependant on the males, after all. The societal standing of me having a family would most likely be worse than me not having a family. I know my limits, and I am really having to live with it, at least, at the moment. Why should I breed a generation of my younger one(s) with a weak father, and hence, name-calling - and that I'll make them miserable for just being a father? I really love children, but I can't have a real family! Sigh.
Given that my society values degrees so much, and I was conditioned to do a degree right from the very beginning I am slightly self-conscious of myself, I just don't know what to do.
How can I get both a job, while still staying sane in whatever I do?
