1-31-24
Today I decided to take the bus to church instead of my usual ride from a church member. I recently found that there was a bus that would drop me off right in front of the church if I took a bus instead of the trolley. I don’t have a car and I find the fast pace of driving to be scary.
I left my house at 3pm even though church isn’t til 7pm because I had extreme anxiety and restlessness. I had already been staring at the wall waiting since 12 noon.
When I got to the bus stop I felt disoriented and hurried about trying to find the bus stop location. Finally I found it and within 5 minutes the bus arrived. I had my bus card in my sleeve and I dinged it. Then I found a seat on the outside where no one was sitting on the inside. I hate sitting so close to people that they touch me. I worried about if the other passengers were mad I was holding two seats for the whole trip.
There were so many body odors of different kinds both good, and bad, and homeless. I felt like I would vomit but gladly I didn’t. I held my breath so long I felt light headed and tried to breath through my mouth after that. There was so much chatter too and my ears were tired and I got a pounding headache.
I felt people looking at me but I realized I had forgotten to use my face to emote. So I made a smile and looked down so I’d just seem shy instead of rude or emotionless. Then I went back to my blank face. I noticed my blank face in my peripheral vision more because I was told that my autism test result said flat emotions. I analyzed myself and it seemed true enough on the outside. I think I just forget to use my face like an avatar that I have a hard enough time controlling the hands and feet let alone the face too.
I felt my shoulders tense as I looked at my phone and out the window to analyze every stop from Google Maps and memorize the stores near each stop. It felt like a test. I was on the edge of my seat. My eyes began to hurt from all the looking. But I was scared of the unknown. Scared of a new bus route that I could get lost on and suddenly I felt small like a child and held back tears. The sun poured in the windows blinding me and I felt people looking at me and it all was beginning to be too much so I used my grit. My Momma taught me grit. It’s like gravel in your teeth. You crunch even if your teeth break.
I noticed my stop was three stops ahead so I moved to the front of the bus. I pulled the cord and realized I had to exit at the back of the bus so moving forward had been in vain. I couldn’t get Google Maps to show me step by step directions to my church and I didn’t see it. Then I realized I had got off a stop too early. I climbed the hill to the next street ahead and saw a man with a case of beer sitting on a stool drinking what looked like his 2nd one in the pack. I decided to walk past quickly. I saw another man and he tried to make eye contact. I walked quickly past but then he called out to me and introduced himself as Martin. I told him my name and that I was going to church and invited him to come. But I explained that I was 3 hours early so he would have to come back later. Then we parted ways and I saw the bus stop I should have gotten off on across the street from the church. I walked into the church parking lot and told the pastor I was sorry for being early and he let me sit inside. So now my eyes feel strained and I’m sitting in the quiet trying to recenter myself from all the gravel and gravity.
Today I decided to take the bus to church instead of my usual ride from a church member. I recently found that there was a bus that would drop me off right in front of the church if I took a bus instead of the trolley. I don’t have a car and I find the fast pace of driving to be scary.
I left my house at 3pm even though church isn’t til 7pm because I had extreme anxiety and restlessness. I had already been staring at the wall waiting since 12 noon.
When I got to the bus stop I felt disoriented and hurried about trying to find the bus stop location. Finally I found it and within 5 minutes the bus arrived. I had my bus card in my sleeve and I dinged it. Then I found a seat on the outside where no one was sitting on the inside. I hate sitting so close to people that they touch me. I worried about if the other passengers were mad I was holding two seats for the whole trip.
There were so many body odors of different kinds both good, and bad, and homeless. I felt like I would vomit but gladly I didn’t. I held my breath so long I felt light headed and tried to breath through my mouth after that. There was so much chatter too and my ears were tired and I got a pounding headache.
I felt people looking at me but I realized I had forgotten to use my face to emote. So I made a smile and looked down so I’d just seem shy instead of rude or emotionless. Then I went back to my blank face. I noticed my blank face in my peripheral vision more because I was told that my autism test result said flat emotions. I analyzed myself and it seemed true enough on the outside. I think I just forget to use my face like an avatar that I have a hard enough time controlling the hands and feet let alone the face too.
I felt my shoulders tense as I looked at my phone and out the window to analyze every stop from Google Maps and memorize the stores near each stop. It felt like a test. I was on the edge of my seat. My eyes began to hurt from all the looking. But I was scared of the unknown. Scared of a new bus route that I could get lost on and suddenly I felt small like a child and held back tears. The sun poured in the windows blinding me and I felt people looking at me and it all was beginning to be too much so I used my grit. My Momma taught me grit. It’s like gravel in your teeth. You crunch even if your teeth break.
I noticed my stop was three stops ahead so I moved to the front of the bus. I pulled the cord and realized I had to exit at the back of the bus so moving forward had been in vain. I couldn’t get Google Maps to show me step by step directions to my church and I didn’t see it. Then I realized I had got off a stop too early. I climbed the hill to the next street ahead and saw a man with a case of beer sitting on a stool drinking what looked like his 2nd one in the pack. I decided to walk past quickly. I saw another man and he tried to make eye contact. I walked quickly past but then he called out to me and introduced himself as Martin. I told him my name and that I was going to church and invited him to come. But I explained that I was 3 hours early so he would have to come back later. Then we parted ways and I saw the bus stop I should have gotten off on across the street from the church. I walked into the church parking lot and told the pastor I was sorry for being early and he let me sit inside. So now my eyes feel strained and I’m sitting in the quiet trying to recenter myself from all the gravel and gravity.
