When I was a fourteen-year-old unknowing Aspie and already suffering the pain of loneliness and emotional abuse at the hands of parents who weren't there when I needed them and who invalidated my every act, choice, goal, feeling when they were.. I had found a partial escape in reading and modelling - I'd collect bits and bobs and make spaceships, strong warriors, castles - I was an avid fiction and fantasy fan.. anything to escape the bitter, agonising reality I endured daily..
.. Bullying and ostracism by students and teachers alike, daily name-calling and expressions of disgust.. my growing awareness of peer groups and girls - things I had no concept of how to avoid, change, be a part of..
One day, while modifying a figurine, the craft knife slipped and went deep into the second finger on my right hand - lodged in the knuckle. At first it stuck, I couldn't pull it out.. then as I moved the finger a little it came free - along with a fair amount of blood.. along with a feeling of release - the ever-present emotional pain ebbing with the rapid flow..!
The.. taste.. of that experience stayed vividly with me, ever-after the solution to my unknowable, unanswerable, unshareable problem - the pain that built, year upon year, exacerbated by a second abusive relationship following the first.
It was a way of life for me - the method by which I released pent-up frustration, anxiety, loneliness, pain. I hid it as I knew others would criticize, control even that act.. my act - my control.. all I knew I had with which to say "I am, here and now, ME!"
I am who I am - I am ME!
It's always been about validating the overwhelming pain I feel inside from, I now know, a lifetime of loneliness and emotional abuse:
- From my parents, who invalidated my interests and choices - never encouraged me and derided my every effort to achieve anything.
- From my wife of 23 years, who shouted, insulted, shoved, controlled and manipulated me, withheld all affection, controlled the finances and my time.. we've been divorced for 5 years now and she still treats me similarly - like I'm worthless dirt - though she's been quite restrained now she's with her new partner.. till now.
I thought I was gradually coming to terms with losing everything I worked for all my adult life, starting to see myself, for the first time, as an attractive, intelligent and interesting, worthwhile person, regaining independence, strength and belief in myself.. actually liking myself for all of who I am - it's been a hard few years working at it, by myself with no reinforcement from any others at all, but.. doing it - postively and effortfully being me!
Lately though, problems between my kids and their mother have caused her to start lashing out at me with the old intensity, that BLAST of utter contempt.
I'm getting the flashbacks again - hearing her hysterical screaming in my head out of nowhere, feeling her hate-filled face pushed into mine, foul and fuming breath on my face, her voice low and menacing insulting, threatening, making me feel weak and useless, ashamed, nothing..
The nightmares, so vivid, so hated.. cloying, forced, subjugated, desperate to get away, shame, fear.. I wake up sweating and shaking.
I don't sleep anymore, don't can't won't not worth it - I keep AC on for company, to escape the suffocation, the abject, burning shame of it.
The best way I've found to deal with self harm so far, of all the techniques I've tried over the last few years, is to tell someone I care about - never had someone like that before - someone who understands, whose view matters to me and whom I don't want to disappoint by having failed to restrain the urge.
I haven't harmed for almost two years - the longest I ever managed before that was a few weeks!
I had someone I could tell when I felt the need to cut so then, for her, because of my feelings for her, I didn't want to - I wanted to be strong, wanted to support her, help her, be there when she needed me.. I wanted to be the capable man I know I can be but have never had the chance to be!
She's gone now though, maybe never really was there.. just my wishful thinking, I guess..
I feel like cutting again now like I haven't for so long - I don't really want to, don't want any more scars or ruined clothes or knowing I have, again, especially after all this time.. but it's like a tickle in your nose and it's hard not to sneeze - a reflex almost, knowing what works, what eases the pain.. after all this time it's still there..
I care about you, my AC - I'm saying it here so you, who care, know.
Mumbokadzi yangu, rudo yangu.
Ndinokuda makanaka Ngirozi yangu!
Ndiri kufunga, Ngirozi yangu.. haunofunga kuini, haunotaurakuini.. ndirikufunga haurikuda, haurikukuraara, Ngirozi yangu..
Ndiri kutaura sarai svakanaka, rudo yangu..
Sarai svakanaka rudo yangu.
(Saying goodbye to a woman I love)
Xx
.. Bullying and ostracism by students and teachers alike, daily name-calling and expressions of disgust.. my growing awareness of peer groups and girls - things I had no concept of how to avoid, change, be a part of..
One day, while modifying a figurine, the craft knife slipped and went deep into the second finger on my right hand - lodged in the knuckle. At first it stuck, I couldn't pull it out.. then as I moved the finger a little it came free - along with a fair amount of blood.. along with a feeling of release - the ever-present emotional pain ebbing with the rapid flow..!
The.. taste.. of that experience stayed vividly with me, ever-after the solution to my unknowable, unanswerable, unshareable problem - the pain that built, year upon year, exacerbated by a second abusive relationship following the first.
It was a way of life for me - the method by which I released pent-up frustration, anxiety, loneliness, pain. I hid it as I knew others would criticize, control even that act.. my act - my control.. all I knew I had with which to say "I am, here and now, ME!"
I am who I am - I am ME!
It's always been about validating the overwhelming pain I feel inside from, I now know, a lifetime of loneliness and emotional abuse:
- From my parents, who invalidated my interests and choices - never encouraged me and derided my every effort to achieve anything.
- From my wife of 23 years, who shouted, insulted, shoved, controlled and manipulated me, withheld all affection, controlled the finances and my time.. we've been divorced for 5 years now and she still treats me similarly - like I'm worthless dirt - though she's been quite restrained now she's with her new partner.. till now.
I thought I was gradually coming to terms with losing everything I worked for all my adult life, starting to see myself, for the first time, as an attractive, intelligent and interesting, worthwhile person, regaining independence, strength and belief in myself.. actually liking myself for all of who I am - it's been a hard few years working at it, by myself with no reinforcement from any others at all, but.. doing it - postively and effortfully being me!
Lately though, problems between my kids and their mother have caused her to start lashing out at me with the old intensity, that BLAST of utter contempt.
I'm getting the flashbacks again - hearing her hysterical screaming in my head out of nowhere, feeling her hate-filled face pushed into mine, foul and fuming breath on my face, her voice low and menacing insulting, threatening, making me feel weak and useless, ashamed, nothing..
The nightmares, so vivid, so hated.. cloying, forced, subjugated, desperate to get away, shame, fear.. I wake up sweating and shaking.
I don't sleep anymore, don't can't won't not worth it - I keep AC on for company, to escape the suffocation, the abject, burning shame of it.
The best way I've found to deal with self harm so far, of all the techniques I've tried over the last few years, is to tell someone I care about - never had someone like that before - someone who understands, whose view matters to me and whom I don't want to disappoint by having failed to restrain the urge.
I haven't harmed for almost two years - the longest I ever managed before that was a few weeks!
I had someone I could tell when I felt the need to cut so then, for her, because of my feelings for her, I didn't want to - I wanted to be strong, wanted to support her, help her, be there when she needed me.. I wanted to be the capable man I know I can be but have never had the chance to be!
She's gone now though, maybe never really was there.. just my wishful thinking, I guess..
I feel like cutting again now like I haven't for so long - I don't really want to, don't want any more scars or ruined clothes or knowing I have, again, especially after all this time.. but it's like a tickle in your nose and it's hard not to sneeze - a reflex almost, knowing what works, what eases the pain.. after all this time it's still there..
I care about you, my AC - I'm saying it here so you, who care, know.
Mumbokadzi yangu, rudo yangu.
Ndinokuda makanaka Ngirozi yangu!
Ndiri kufunga, Ngirozi yangu.. haunofunga kuini, haunotaurakuini.. ndirikufunga haurikuda, haurikukuraara, Ngirozi yangu..
Ndiri kutaura sarai svakanaka, rudo yangu..
Sarai svakanaka rudo yangu.
(Saying goodbye to a woman I love)
Xx
