Faking a Personality

I am glad you are venting & letting it all out here Kari. You don't have a therapist to talk to & receive advice, compassion & understanding so let your blog be your personal journal & your AC friends provide you with support when you need it.

You are a very intelligent, insightful & self aware young woman so I truly believe you have a good future despite all the hurdles. Things take time, so go easy on yourself. We all mistakes, lots of mistakes, so also do not judge yourself harshly or worry about making mistakes. And try to never try for perfection. We should try to do our best, & on some days that will be nearly perfect, but other days not so much! Perfection is inconsistent with being human so no one can ever achieve contentment or happiness if perfection is their daily goal. (That's a sure path to misery actually.)

It is beyond unfortunate that your Mom says such derogatory things & calls you names. That is immature & abusive. She is wrong for behaving that way, & wrong about you when she says insulting things. She may not mean them at all, & she may regret them later. But that does not make it okay or eliminate the effect it has on you. All these things are about her & whatever 'issues' she has going on, not about you. Parents are people too & sometimes they have their own 'stuff' that prevents them from being the loving, mature role model & support their kids need them to be. And it is confusing (& damaging) for children to endure less than ideal (or worse) parenting.

You are NOT worthless. I think that deep down you already know that, but it is hard to feel strong & capable, or even feel good about yourself when one's parents & home life is demoralizing.

You are right that you will mess yourself up trying to be someone other than YOU. You don't need to lie, or develop fake personalities to survive & even thrive in your life. You are young, & still learning & growing. You can learn the life skills you need to cope & manage, while discovering & remaining true to your authentic self.

I feel like I am just affirming the things you already know.

Ah yes. Personality engineer. twisting the right knobs for those pesky social situations, turning the right gears for those perplexing micro-expressions which seem to sooth the rather erratic expectations of NT's. The stupefying fearlessness of the outside world.

What a superb idea, a lot of us would love this ability. There's a lot of hurt in your words, and this I am certain is saddening for all of us who consume it which just shows how unalone you are in this situation. I know sympathy won't help you in your life but it's all some of us have to give.

Kari, Sully recommended this book to a parent & I think it might be a useful resource to people of any age. There is an entire series of books covering related topics which also look worthwhile. Here it is in case you haven't seen it.
What To Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide To Overcoming Anxiety